Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? new here. Feel like dying

Forget it. After re-reading it, it's too "me" focused.
A sore spot for h. He's always telling me how selfish I am, and how it's always about what Emily wants.

OK let's try again.

Anyone want to write this for me?

Lady B -

Do not reply via letter, it is a trap.

Give him a call and politely tell him that based upon everything that is going on in your lives, now is not the time to plan a move to TN. Your children need stability.

He is just testing you.

He will respect you if you politely say "No thank you."

Remember... Guys love a chase, make him pursue you. If you play hard to get, it most likely will work.

Fish

Wow. I bombed big time last night.
My d4 had a "feast" dinner at her school for the parents. Both h and I went. I dropped of s16mo at h's parents house (where h now lives). So, after the dinner, we all went back there. I didn't stay long, just didn't want to. Before we left, I gave h the letter (slightly revised from the one I posted. So, when we were leaving, d4 asks me, "why are we leaving daddy here?"
Oh God. I haven't told her anything at this point. I calmly told her, "daddy's going to stay with nana and papa."
She said, "Forever and ever?"
By this time I'm bawling. I replied, "Honey, I don't know."
Then, she starts saying she misses him and she doesn't want him to stay with nana and papa forever and ever but she thinks he will.

So, we get home and everyone gets ready for bed. D4 calls daddy to say good-night, and tells him to come home. He says "OK. I'll be right there."
She says, "YES! Mommy we did it!!"
Oh, my heart was breaking.

So, he comes over. Puts her to bed and comes in the living room to talk to me. He's MAD about the letter. VERY MAD. Says this is a BS response, and I don't take responsibility. He says that all he wants is for me to do what he says! He said he shouldn't have sent me the e-mail about Tennessee, he should have sent one that says, "DO what I say!" He says that's all I want, just do what I say.
What kind of marriage is that? I told him that everything in marriage is negotiable. He says, "oh now you're a marriage expert?"

Anyway, on and on, we fought, fought ,fought.
Finally, I took the suggestion that I read from a someone elses posts. I put a sock in it. We were actually able to talk some. He says he wants to come home, but I have to show him that I've changed. Things softened a lot, and I went to bed. I cried when I got in bed though, because I feel like I'm losing myself.

If I just do everything he says, I'd be nothing more than a Stepford wife. Can I lose myself like that?

He came to bed a little while later, and we made love. Afterward he asked me. "Do you want me to come home?" I said, "yes." He said "then tell me that. Tell me." So, I did. He said he also wants to come home, but has to know that I'll do the things he wants me to do. I had no reply, and pretended to be asleep.

Where do I go from here? Be a Stepford wife, and save my marriage, and give the kids back their daddy, or be true to myself? I have ideas, and thoughts, and input...

in a very infuriating way he wants to be validated, men want to be the providers and the protectors of the family, to be appreciated. I agree with all that, a good man should receive appreciation from his wife, your H is demanding it from you and doesn't understand that's not the way to do it.

You mentioned he wanted to go to a psychiatrist with you, he prob would agree to go to a therapist, perhaps a marriage councelor. Find one, make an appt and tell him that you want things to be better this time around, that you want to work with him, and that it would help you if both of you talk to a C.

Go get the book "Love and Respect", it should guide you to see what you should find in your M, your H sure needs a lesson or two in those aspects.

I actually been reading "love and respect". It's certainly helped me see whereI haven't been respectful. In fact there is a "love and respect" seminar coming to our town in Feb. I'd like for us to go to that.
We've been seeing a MC for awhile. He refuses to go anymore, but wants me to continue to go weekly. After all, he doesn't think he needs to change, but that I need serious help.

He has SERIOUS changes to make, but I can't make him see that. There's no way he'd hear that from me.

Okay, ladybug... I was hoping to find a 'short' bit on marriagebuilders... but maybe you should just spend a few hours, on the larger picture "basic concepts" summary, and see what you think about their view on marriage.

It really will be a few hours of reading, so make sure to set aside time for yourself.
(you'll probably want to re-read some of it, to absorb and understand it. It's a lot to take in)




http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html


A summary of the summary:

• Feelings about someone are based on how they treat you
• (a way to identify the way that each of you want to really be treated, uniquely, and individually)
• The importance of "undivided attention" time
• The "policy of joint agreement". This one is rather radical: it's a potential way to handle all "big decisions" between you both.
• "radical honesty", is crucial to build, and maintain, true trust and intimacy in a relationship.

You could take some, or all, of these concepts, and see if he will agree that BOTH of you will follow them.



A closing comment, inreply to something you said:


Are you making that statement based on, "the things he's asking you to do, are wrong", or are you making it based on, "I cant give him EVERYTHING he wants... I should always hold back and only give him 90% or less, any time he asks me for anything"

your complaint about "losing yourself", makes me wonder about that.




That's what you may have INTERPRETED what he said... but I have difficulty believing that is literally what he said.
Do you really recall, word for word, what he said?
If you repeated it back to him, do you think he would agree, "that's what I said"?



that's not a true statement. Some things are not negotiable.
For the things that are... you might go check out that "policy of joint agreement"

I wonder if you are the type of person, where "everything is negotiable", when it's something you dont want... but it "has to be this way", when it's about doing something that YOU WANT?

I think that people who are like that, probably have never been honest with themselves, that that is how they act.
Maybe you should think about your attitude, the last time there was something that he really wanted, and you really didnt want it.
How often did he get what he wanted? 100%?

Oftentimes, people like that, maybe give up 10% of what they want, still keeping 90% of what they want for themselves, yet claim the other person "got what they wanted", or "won", somehow.

That is word for word what he said to me. It's not my interpretation.

I guess when I said I'd lose myself, I feel like I can't have or express my opinion on anything. I'm not making a tally, like I'll only give him 90% or something like that. It's just that I'd like to be able to give input and make decisions as well.

He told me last night that he'd never ask me to do anything illegal or immoral, but I should do everything he asks of me.
I'm beginning to feel that this isn't the way I want to live. I can't believe he's asking me to live this way.
I mean, we'd definately not have arguments, but I'd also not be living.

What is his basis on asking this of you? biblical? or "thats the way my parents were"?

Oh, that's definately how his parents are. But, I don't know if that's his basis.
He said that I make poor choices, and bad decisions. I honestly don't know what he's referring to (marrying him? )
If he makes all the decisions and tells me what to do, then there'd be nothing to fight about, right?

If this is the #1 problem between the two of you... then I'd say it is crucially important for you to find out WHY he has this expectation.

For example, if he expects it because, "thats how the bible says a marriage should be"... then there are definate responses you can make to that.

[the exact response, depends on just how much he's actually read of it (sounds like not much), and what he thinks the bible calls HIM to do, in addition to what it says a wife should do]



well, how about you ask him what he means? some specific examples of that?