Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

Husband & Paul-

Thank you for responding. I know that I need to stop thinking about the things I can't control. That's always been a problem for me, even outside of things with H.

I set some goals in my mind this morning, but didn't get them here online.

1- #1 again is take care of myself. I almost feel worse physically today than yesterday.

2- Deal positively with my co-workers. My mood has caused me to be a bit angry with some of them lately for the issues they keep bringing to me. Thought that would possibly bring up my PMA.

I know it's not a huge list, but that's about all I could muster for today.

I have to stop picturing some things in my mind. I had done a good job with Rob's Icky Bandaid analogy when thinking of OW. But for some reason, I feel like this thing is more physical than I had imagined. Don't know why, just gut feeling. Or, could be the discussion here on the board a week or so ago about my incorrect assumption that my H wouldn't be so sexually active with me if he were having an active PA with OW. H has tried to be intimate with me the past few nights. I denied him once and was intimate the other time.

I need to get myself well. Hopefully this weekend will bring a lot of rest. I need to tell my H that I need his help this weekend with D3. I just need rest. This time being sick has brought me down a lot more than it typcially would.

So, H did get home at a decent time last night. Not sure where he was. He had some coffee with him. I was awake, so I got up and said hello. He was looking for something to eat. I told him that he could have the stir fry that he'd taken out for me to eat, as I wasn't hungry for dinner. I walked out and then walked back in. I said....Thank you for taking that out for me, I just wasn't hungry. His said...Well, I don't care that you didn't eat it. I said, that may be, but I just wanted to say thank you because you didn't have to take anything out at all.

We were all awake bright and early this morning. D3 was playing and H was reading a book. I talked to H for a brief minute about a bill and then left. I told them both good-bye. D3 gave me a hug & kiss. H gave a mumbled good-bye.

Well, I need to get going. Not sure if I'll be on this weekend. I'll try.

Thank you all again! You're so wonderful!!

SueS

Hang in there, Sue. Those goals are great - it's more important to work on a few achievable things every day than to have a huge list that is impossible to get done.

I understand the nagging worries about a PA. I really hope for you that it's not the case. No matter how that part of your sitch turns out, though, never forget that IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. EA or PA, it's a sign of how confused and in pain your screwed-up H really is. You didn't cause it, and you don't need to "own" it. You are a fun, exciting, wonderful person and when the dust settles, you are going to come out of this GREAT. I really believe this!

Take care of yourself this weekend! HUGS!

Thanks Rob!

You have an amazing way of always helping me feel better about things.

You have a great weekend too.

SueS

Hey Sue,

Definately try and get some rest this wkend.. You need it.

My little one I think is getting sick again.. On top of which my mom was in the ER today.. and my H just let for Jersey for 3 days...UGH

I feel you..

tal

Hi Sue. Glad D3 is feeling better, now let's work on you feeling better.

Good Morning-

Well, our weekend actually went pretty well. Friday around 6:00 pm I finally called H and told him I needed his help. I told him I didn't feel well and needed him to help with D3 when he got home. He said he would. He was okay at first, but ended up just putting D3 in our room with me. She fussed, tossed, turned....etc. I finally just took care of her. H was in the living room watching movies the whole time.

On Sat., I got up with D3 and we were in the living room when H got up. He was dressed to go work out. He said that he had to go in to work and then go buy groceries. I had a hair appt. on Sat. and he said he'd be back before then. Then he told D3 that maybe when I got home, the 3 of us could go out to Chuckie Cheese. I was surprised. So, we ended up going there together. H was really good. We just hung out at home later and relaxed.

Sunday I didn't do much of anything. H got up and went to work out. D3 and I also left to run an errand. Got a call from H wondering where we were. Didn't do much else. I still wasn't feeling well and had started to lose my voice. H was good about telling D3 that I didn't feel well and kept her entertained. H asked me what days we were going to be gone for Thanksgiving and kind of pushed for me either to leave on Wed. or come back on Mon. I told him no. I don't have the time to take. He also told me that he thinks we'll go to Chicago to see his dad after the first of the year now too instead of in Dec.

This morning we were all up before I left. H was quiet. I got a quiet little Good-Bye before I left.

So, overall a good weekend. I know H was in contact with OW over the weekend. No snooping, just know it. I'm feeling like it's time for a talk. I don't know what to say, so if it comes from me, I'll wait until after Thanksgiving and get my thoughts together. We haven't had any type of R talk in 2 months. I feel like I have to know where this thing is at with him & OW. I feel like it's more involved than I had ever hoped, but then there are the times that I wonder where it can go from here. When, will either of them pull the trigger. I have no idea what is happening with her. If her H knows or what's going on with them. I was in denial too long and this is just hurting too much. It's not that I don't want to keep fighting or keep trying to improve me, I'm just tired of being in the dark. Maybe having some light on the sitch will make things feel worse, I don't know. I just know that this really hurts.

Goals:

1- Catch up here at work. I have a ton to do and with being out, will be buried next week.

2- Take care of me. I know this is a repeat, but it might be one I keep using. Again, not feeling well, kind of lost my voice...etc.

3- Smile as much as possible. Being sick and being in this sitch has made that difficult today. I'll just keep looking up at D3's picture and thinking of Husband when he says....It's going to be a great day.

Have a great day.

SueS

this...



and...



TICKS ME OFF!!

Why would he push you to be gone LONGER!??? That makes me so mad. And I have been there done there that being sick and ending up with the kids anyway. One time I left and napped at my mom's.

I think it might be time for a talk. Maybe a bit of a 'putting my foot down' talk? Saying that talking with OW is inappropriate, and he should know this since he hides it from you. One of the many books I read talked about 'family friends', someone who is friends with both spouses. The book said the friend is only a 'friend' if they are a 'friend of the marriage', meaning supportive of your marriage, friends to both of you. This woman isn't a friend of your marriage.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

Sue,

Echoing lwb...

Sorry honey... You do need to talk.

(((hugs))

Tal

I just don't follow this. Obviously OW isn't a 'friend of the marriage' - why would you act based on the assumption that she was?

Sue, I know how bad it hurts, but you can't gear what you do around controlling H's actions. If he chooses to be in contact with OW - he will be. It's just that simple. Putting your foot down will not make him drop her if he's not ready to do that. Be careful about any ultimatums you make - unless you are really ready for a 'last resort' kind of scenario (which I wouldn't recommend for you right now.)

That doesn't mean that you are powerless, however! You have ownership of your own actions and emotions. Work on making yourself the happy, fun, energetic, desirable, interesting person that I know you can be. (Obviously, getting well is the first step!)

Emotionally, I think it would help you a lot to detach some more. So much of how YOU feel is still governed by what HE does. It seems counter-intuitive at first, but you can make your relationship better by being less dependent upon it. That's your goal.

Please note, I always emphasize that the goal here is loving detachment. Becoming less dependent does not mean caring less. It means caring in a different way. A good metaphor for this comes from the book Passionate Marriage (a really tough read, but I got a lot out of it.) Imagine that you and H are standing with your feet about 4 feet apart, and that you both lean in towards each other and hug, then put all your weight into it. This is a codependent relationship - you are holding each other up, but the pair of you together is still weak. If one of you starts to fall, the whole structure collapses. That's your old R (and mine too for that matter!)

Now imagine that you and H are each standing solidly on your own two feet, nose to nose. Each of you is strong and supporting your own weight. And now you hug. The hug doesn't take away from your own independent balance. Instead, you have the pleasure of choosing to hug, rather than being forced to hug by the position you have put yourself into. If one of you feels weak, the other is in a spot to offer support without compromising your own ability to stand.

Whew! I hope that makes some kind of sense - this is what happens when I have a touch of insomnia and post long rambles in the middle of the night...

Sue -

Send an email to me (address is in my profile).