Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Hi again ~ long time no see.

Zulu, this sounds like my wife's and my situation so I will tell you how I feel from your husband's perspective. You do sound much more receptive than my W, although that may be my bitterness talking. My wife has said the same things about the porn star aspect but I do not want anything more than what we used to have. (That's not really true as I'd love to have something other than purely traditional sex, but it is not my main focus). My wife claims she is "into it" but I get no feedback at all and there seems to be a very mechanical quality to the sex and an attitude of "let's get this over with" hanging in the air. No emotion, no connection.

It didn't used to be this way. When we used to make love we would feel very connected. Hell, I used to get such a chemical high from it that I could hardly walk afterwards. This changed some as our relationship struggled, changed dramatically when she went on AD's, and changed in a seemingly irreparable way when she had a hysterectomy.

If your husband does not feel that you are "into it" (and I will make no judgments as to whether you are, just how he feels), he will feel empty after sex. I have told my wife that I must be an idiot because I keep asking for something that makes me feel badly. It has gotten to the point with me that I am no longer initiating, or responding to her half-hearted initiations. I have told her what I need to feel something from her (and it is not anything radical, just a passionate kiss every now and then) and she is unwilling to make the effort. I am reaching the point that I believe I would be better off weaning myself from any attraction I have for her in order to maintain my sanity. I think I can stay married without love or affection in an almost corporate partnership but it certainly isn't my first choice.

Maybe your husband is raising the bar all the time or maybe he feels that you are trying to jump over the bar while leaving your emotions on the ground. I of course, am not in a position to have an opinion on that but I thought a perspective from the other side might be helpful.

Good luck.

From my hindsight is 20/20 perspective, I would say that many people who find themselves in the role of being the HD member of a relationship make the mistake of thinking that adding "excitement" or "heat" to a sexual relationship is what will increase the emotional connection or warm up a tepid or cold relationship. I think what works better is to differentiate in order to achieve "temperature" equilibrium and then try to warm/heat up together. That way you will be better able to deal with the non-sexual issues/roadblocks that are in your way first or determine that they are "unfixable" and move along. The reason I say this is that I have found that I dramatically underestimated the extent to which I was missing "warmth" in my relationship because I kept concentrating on adding "heat". However, I should note that I still believe that a life without hot monkey sex is a life not worth living.

Wow, thank you SOO much for all the insight. I have read quickly so far, but I will go back and read more carefully and really absorb all of your comments. Baltoman, you esp. have really shared some valuable input that I think I need to hear. Stick around, please!! ;-D

I just have a minute, but wanted to share a sitch from the last 5 days when husband was out of town. Two nights before he left town, I made a point to initiate because he had really been complaining about me working on house projects in the evening instead of being with him. (While at the same time, complaining that they are making the house a mess and not done, but I digress...) So, we had fairly quick, but fun sex, then he had to sleep for work the next day. (He really crashes in the evenings and acts like he can barely stay awake to help get the kids in bed, then miraculously gets energy to stay up and watch Star Trek in our room. Again, I digress...)

So, the next night, I do the same thing, snuggle up next to him and ask him where he is going on this trip (he leaves the next morning). He says Austin. Umhmm, instant tension. This is where the chick he met at a conference last year and carried on a short email relationship lives. I stiffened somewhat but did not say anything for several minutes. I think he said I love you. Then, I very matter of factly asked, "Has Pam ever emailed you again?" He said, "Uhhhhh, no, I told her at that time it would be better if she didn't contact me anymore." (not quite the overwhelmingly reassuring response I would have liked.) Then I said, "Have you contacted her since then?" He said no. I laid my head back down and we sat there for a few minutes. He said he loved me one more time. I said it back and then got up and went in the other room. He was nice the next day, despite my "rejection" of him, which is rare, but I guess that was his way of saying he was sorry. (Which are words I very rarely hear.)

So, he leaves for his trip. He just got a phone, so when he is sitting at a conference, he can text me throughout the day and on his drive. We had several positive, chatty interactions and sent a few silly pics back and forth, (him driving, the kids and I playing).

Then a few nights into his trip, I was so pooped, and getting really irritable with the kids, I sent a message that just said, "I'm tired and cranky." (I would love more support from him since I'm a stay at home mom, but he seems pretty inept at filling the listening, calming, "you're doing great" role, like a girlfriend would.) He surprised me however and said, "Put the kids to bed early and get some sleep, I love you."
I, (in my crankiness), said "You know bedtime is not that simple esp alone." (I know this seems harsh, and like I'm the one being negative, but he says so little about him being away and me doing everything with the kids that I think I really crave just hearing him tell me that he is sorry for my extra workload and that he can't be here to help me. Or that I'm a good mom, which I don't feel like he sincerely shows me very often. He says I want too many compliments.) He almost shocked me when he said, "Sorry, I wasn't trying to dismiss you. Just trying to help. Love you!" (Wow, now THAT'S what I'm talking about! That made me feel much better. I didn't keep what I sent him back, but have told him I appreciated what he said then.) I asked him when he would be home (he later said he felt it was b/c I wanted to throw the kids at him) and he said he'd be home by 9 and would help with bedtime (he didn't really, he was too tired.)

Ok, I pretty much shared all that to show the positive side of him, b/c he does have one. I know I am not perfect either. Since you all don't get to hear his side, I really want you to hear the good and the bad.

So, anyway, next he sent me a msg that said something like "why don't you send me a naked pic?" Now...I'm not against the idea, BUT...at the same time, when I'm home with two kids, picking up messes, breaking up fights, wearing my painting clothes and hardly get a chance (literally) to pee or shower by myself, I don't feel sexy at ALL. I'm not even thinking about it, really. And, to make matters worse, we had received news that an acquaintance had lost her daugher, 7 years old. We don't know the circumstances, but I had just hung out with her at a wedding reception a few months ago and she was so fun, I just was somewhat haunted by the news. I was actually searching Amazon.com for books on dealing with grieving the death of a child (a sensitive topic for me, since I unexpectedly lost my mom at 23 and our first child at 5 months gestation). That's when I received his message. So, not wanting to ignore his requests, I decided to do something that night.

I sent him a message saying the phone had to be charged and I'd talk more later.

That night, I (kinda forced myself, but in good spirit,) put on a black push up bra and pair of panties and sent two pics. I don't mention to him that the primary thing I am thinking of as I take the pics is that he is in Austin and I should be "thankful" he's not seeking out Pam and also that I've gained weight recently in my stomach, which he did not deny when I pointed it out. I know, typical "husband can't win" kind of situation, but a "ah, honey, no way, you look fabulous for a woman with 2 kids!!!"

He saw them the next morning and said he was asleep when I sent them. He said, "Me likey this one." It seems like he either verges on silly/immature or raunchy but doesn't have the passionate/romantic side down, which I think would be more likely to make me "hot and passionate."

Day before he comes home, I can't remember the specs, but I know I pointed out to him that I was majorly bleeding, which now that he's had a vasectomy and I don't need any bc, is pretty typical for me. It sucks and I pointed it out. (kind of wanted him to pick up on the fact that he wasn't getting any shots from there partly for this reason). He asked if I wanted to go see a dr and I said no, I think it's just normal for me to be very irregular and very heavy.

So, the next day he is on the highway driving home and we are chatting. I can't remember the deal, but I was tired and a bit distracted, kind of not wanting to talk (he said later I can't wait for him to come home when I need help with the kids, but when he is on his way, I am indifferent about seeing him.)
He says, "So how come you never sent me any naked pics?" I am shocked and feel like, "oh my god, here we go again." I said, "I thought I did." Things escalate QUICKLY. I explain all the reasons with why I didn't (just took a shower for the first time since he was gone, WITH our son in there with me), and why can't he just be happy with what I did?! He spit out ok, now you're just complaining and this is fing stupid, I'm getting off the phone!!! which I assumed was him hanging up and I did the same, CLICK! So he sent me this text message, which I somehow missed until after we talked the next day:
"I don't understand why you got so bent out of shape. I wasn't complaining, just asking a playful question. Thought you'd play along and send me something to think about on my drive home. Why can't you play along? It's not like I'm asking you to do something that you find morally wrong...you made a video before. I don't get it. Id be flattered if you asked me."


I didn't mean to go on forever. Sorry. Thanks so much for reading and sharing any advice for me!!!!!

Zu, honestly, girl, I don't mean get all in your stuff, but every time you post all this stuff, it just seems to me that you truly aren't even trying to work on things. It seems to me that you get upset, even pick arguments w/ him over things that truly don't matter. I could be totally way off, but that's just what I'm seeing. I think I've said this to you before, but it seems like you two just go round & round in circles.

I have learned from my whole sitch that a marriage takes A LOT of work. I understand being a stay at home mom, BTDT, but you cannot EXPECT him to respond/react in certain ways just b/c that's what you want to hear, etc.

I started a book the other day called "His Needs Her Needs w/ Children" or something along those lines. You may want to check it out. Basically what is says from what I have read so far is that we need to put our marriages first and then the children will benefit from that.

RHW:

Basically what is says from what I have read so far is that we need to put our marriages first and then the children will benefit from that. THe most common trait I see among LD women is that they for the most part can NOT do this. THeir are tons of women that get into MOM mode who find it hard if not impossible to get OUT of MOM mode. I would nominate this as the #1 problem in marriage today, women who can NOT move from Mom mode to Lover mode. And this has little to do with their men.

It has everything to do with their men if their men aren't men enough to say some things like "Our marriage is going to be in real trouble if you think that impressing the PTO with 150 cupcakes is more important than sharing a healthy sex life with me." If he isn't willing to clearly state things in this manner then clearly he has higher priorities than a healthy sex life too.

I agree w/ you Cemar (wow) but I do have to interject that there are some of us Wives that are willing to JUST DO IT and learn how to get from Mom Mode to Lover Mode b/c our M means enough to us to learn/figure it out.

I would have to then say, just as we say on these Boards that "love" is a choice, so is choosing to figure out how to go from mom mode to lover mode. It's a CHOICE if you can't/won't do this.

Well, THAT is exactly why I post ALLLL this stuff, because I desperately want an opinion based on not HIS side, not just MY side, but really, TELL ME what I'm doing wrong. Here's what I am having a really hard time with. I feel like we can't have a comfortable ordinary life, we have to be having extraordinary sex ALL the time, not some of the time, ALL of the time or it simply is not good enough. That is so counterproductive and makes me feel so inadequate and NOTHING squelches my desire like feeling that I'm really NOT sexy enough.

RHW: I truly appreciate your comments and thanks for being honest. If that's what you see, I'm glad you said so.

I hung a sign in our bedroom (I mentioned this once before) about "the best gift we can give our children is two parents who show love and commitment, patience with each other." Something along those lines. I believe 150% that if I make my marriage important, the children benefit. I told Joey just last night that I am willing to consider divorce if it seems there is truly too much damage between us, but I refuse to do it without trying as hard as we possibly can to save what we have, including a weekend at a "save your marriage" seminar. He just sold some artwork and we have more money than usual. I told him the kids would much rather have happy parents than a pile of plastic toys, he just kind of nodded.

I've made a positive email to him and he returned with one.

I will work on reducing ANY and ALL conflict, as I did before. I can tell we are at the starting gate at another round of at least TRYING, so I want to take advantage of that. I just don't want to feel like sex - of a certain level no less - is a duty and expectation.

Thanks, guys, I have to wake up son from his nap and get my daughter at preschool. I will try and read some of SSM this afternoon.

I really appreciate the input!

Zulu, don't get discouraged. We HD men do not need you ladies to be "on" all the time. You seem to have made many adjustments that many of us would be thrilled with. Just be willing to be there emotionally as well as physically often enough and most will notice. (notice not always. You seem to have a lot not your plate). Chances are your H is one of these.

"Once after a few days of tension, an argument began shortly after he got home from work and from out of nowhere, he asked, in a disgusted voice, "When's the last time you came when we were [censored]?""

How did you reply?

What do you do during sex to make sure you enjoy it? Do you ensure that you have at least one O almost everytime?

Your H seems to have major problems.

But regarding sex, why don't you put your focus on YOU during sex and make it great for you. That is probably the best thing for both of you. For, right now, it sounds to me like he is right -- you just aren't that into it/really present/enjoying it much at all.