Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Please give some advice on sex

It is not just about the sex, I need to feel desired and loved sexually. I have told her this, but she doesn't believe me.


Why isnt it just about the sex?
Isnt sex in and of itself a legitimate need?

You say "I need to feel desired and loved sexually."

How have you proved this to her?

If you havent, why would she believe you?

Here are a couple of quotes how women have had it proved to them.






If you W has any of the above 'issues', it is her problem and not your job to fix. If you love her, get out of her way, stop trying to fix it for her, and give her the opportunity and choice to fix it herself. She'll get a lot more satisfaction from doing it herself.



You dont know me, but Im really really really anti-adultery. REALLY. I quote this, because it shows its about her perspective. HER perspective. You dont have control over that, no matter how many of her requests and hoops you jump thru.


Let me break it down a little a further.

You need water. When you get kinda thirsty, you can ask for a glass of water. If its not given to you, you WILL go get water for yourself-- somehow-- someway. At some point nothing will get in the way of you obtaining that water that you need. That is an actionable demonstration that you need water.

What actionable demonstrations in the past 15 years has your W seen that you "need to feel desired and loved sexually?"

Zero.

Personally, I would keep it simple and straight forward and say "I require sex." Takes away the 'hidden agenda' hook they like to hang their hat on, and passively aggressively punish you with, for not being brutally direct and straight forward.

Before you say that though, determine,

Do you require sex? If not, dont bother saying it. You dont prove anything with words.
She'll just smile at you, pat you on the head, and continue with what she was doing.

GP told me that he told an LD GF "I am a grown man and I will have sex.". Personally, I like that better than "I will not stay in a sexless relationship" or "I require sex."

How'd that work out for him?

Hairdog

Haven't had a chance to read everything yet, but as I'm going along, RedHeadedWife is spot on. Less likely abuse and more likely just a hang-up, like many women have. The "raunchy" thing is probably her hang-up.

Yes, I'm curious too how it worked out. I do like the gentler phrasing. I think if it's not said right, it becomes one of those phrases that ring in your ears for years and you can't forgive them for because it is so hurtful. It it is said like an ultimatum, that has a real underlying of being insulting, like "oh, and if I won't give it to you, you're ready to go find it somewhere else? Nice, I've been reduced to a cavity for your pleasure. All the other aspects to our relationship mean nothing." SOO, careful not to say something that will just HURT. BUT, if you ARE ready to move on, you need to say so, not because that is ALL that matters, but because it is VERY important to your sense of self and if you don't have it, you really would be willing to lose ALL THE OTHER THINGS YOU LOVE about the relationship with her in hopes of finding that missing ingredient that you need to be happy. Emphasize how much YOU DO NOT WANT TO LOOK ELSEWHERE. Your main desire is to find this in the loving relationship you have with HER.

Does this help?

Well, I hear tell that he's currently in a sexual relationship with a quite attractive, very nice woman who showed her appreciation for the weight-training advice he has given her by putting him in a vise grip with her thighs right as he orgasmed this afternoon.....so, I'm thinking it worked out pretty well for him. Seriously, the thing that was clear to me when he told me about it was that the important thing was that he said it to himself, not that he said it to his GF. Obviously, they did break up but she's the one who is still semi-stalking him. He actually has another XGF who is still semi-stalking him because he told himself/her something like "I am a grown man and I will not be spoken to in a disrespectful manner." I feel safe being in a relationship with him because I believe that he will just say something like that and leave me if I don't believe him rather than hang around and torture me endlessly in some manner.

Hi Ready to Move On,

Just dropping by to see how things are going. I have thought about your W and I know that when I was growing up that parents sometime taught their daughters that sex was not right before M and went to the point of making it seem dirty. They were trying to keep their D's "pure" but ended up giving them hang-ups about the entire experience. It was one of the reasons I had a lot of problems with not being able to enjoy some of the sexual experience that my H wanted to try.....even though we were M, I thought it was not proper! Also, I was never big on him just grabbing any part of my body. For him to just walk in and grab a hold of .....whatever did not turn me on at all. In fact, it usually made me mad. She may be the type of girl that you have to set the mood for her. Talk sweetly and ease into a loving mood. Go slowly and gently with her. Even if she was never abused, she could have seen something violent that was sex related when she was very young.....she may not even remember it herself, but it is there in her subconscious mind that is effecting her.

Again, I want to enourage you not to wait for her to start the love making b/c if she is like I think she is.....it isn't going to happen. Would she kiss you first when you were dating or did she wait for you to start the kiss? I don't think I ever kissed my H first before we married! That was just the way I was.....I thought it was improper for me to do that. It was part of being a "nice" girl and not looking too forward. However, after M, I maintained that type of attitude.....I know it sounds crazy, but it was just the way it was. I was to prim and proper for my own good. My H would have loved it if I could have gotten a little "wild" in bed, but it was just something that I found very hard to do. So, the teaching and upbring attitudes about sex can have life long effects on us.

I hope you will get her help.

Thank you for all the great advice, and genuine interest.
Nothing has changed, and I don't expect it to. Sandi2 you must know my wife as you described her exactly. However, she usually started the kissing while dating as I was too shy to ever do that.
I feel very emasculated in that I have to ask for any type of sexual anything, and frequenty get turned down, and made to feel like a pervert.

I have to agree w/ Sandi on the way your W may have been brought up. Not sure how old she is, but I'm almost 36 and my parents were the same way. Sex was not a subject that was spoken of; I don't EVER remember getting *the talk* at all from my mom and they would go as far as fast forwarding through sex scenes if we were watching a movie together and that continued even when I was an adult. They were literally embarrassed about it in front of me.

I have made myself into a different person than my mom, who is the nicest, sweetest woman, but VERY naive, etc. I have no doubt though from recent talks that she wishes she could have been different about sex, etc. w/ my dad.

Have you maybe gotten any sorts of books for her to read or anything that may help her to be not so self-conscious when it comes to sex? I don't know if that would help or not if that is even what her *issue* is.

holy crap! i get the same thing! if i don't initiate, i'll get it once a month--assuming that everything is cleared away: no arguments, kids are good, etc. i sometimes tell her that she needs to be kept like veal--in a box so nothing from the outside world affects her in a negative way! they don't understand that we also need to feel desired and to hear that they love us, and that it's not all about sex. that's the thing: they think it's all about sex, as if wanting sex is filthy! my wife will give me oral and allow me to give it to her depending upon the time of the month. in other words, 6-12 days after her period is the time for me to have mind-blowing sex (no pun intended). i can get her so worked up that it sometimes only leads to oral and hand manipulation. but once that window of opportunity passes, my month is over. i can't even talk or try to have sex with her. i have tried everything and still can't win.
i think it's time for us to start doing things we want without them, without trying to gain rewards, showing them that we can be without them. let them see how it is. maybe that's the solution: showing independence like it was in the beginning when you and she/ my wife and i didn't know when we were going to see or speak to each other again, waiting for that phone call, being appreciated and respected. maybe showing independence will lead to them wanting us, and doing more for us. maybe then we will stop being taken advantage of, because that's what it comes down to: being taken advantage of.

as for your wife not giving you oral sex, i don't know what to say. if she has never done it to you anywhere in your relationship, then i don't see her ever doing it, because she is now set in her ways, and odds are she isn't going to change, because i don't think they want to, because they always feel that they are never incorrect.