I am about done dissecting the sitch. I get to wrapped up into it when I do. I think a lot of this has to do with the awful statement I told her during our last fight before we were separated. She believed I took all of the car keys on purpose and I said, "I should have never married you IF you didn't believe in me." Of course she only hears the first part. Nothing I can do to take it back. This was probably the straw that broke the WAW's back. Here I am saying I am about done dissecting and I suppose that is just more of the same. I am trying. Worst case, I want to see my 5D equal amount of time with the financial resources to show her a good life. And I agree, I don't see a reason to file first. It will not give me anymore time with 5D, only grounds, which is silly because a D is exactly what I don't want.
A question. For those of you that have given papers to spouses, what made you reconsider and try again? Just curious.
Positive for me today...no calls and got all my laundry done. Also planned a lot of simple fun plans for 5D this weekend. I hope she enjoys. Late turkey day with relatives, outside x-mas lights, movie, games, make cookies, make soup, roast marshmallows, watch deer, church, paint, trying to think up some more fun things. It's not hard...just quality time together. Other ideas welcome.
Well, I tried to contact lawyers Friday after Thanksgiving with no success. These papers I got in mail Wednesday say that if I do not do anything before the 27th then her lawyer will file fault grounds, which she has no grounds, on her behave. The attorney I talked with last week says that even if I file and win fault grounds against her, it will not make a difference in getting fair child custody, etc. Obviously, signing unacceptable papers is out. So, in some way I feel I need to do something in between. Perhaps, contact her by phone or write a letter stipulating the items I disagree upon. If she truly wants this divorce more than anything in the whole world, then I think she will not listen and continue her plot of destroying our family with no regard to 5D or my own feelings. If I do nothing, it probably can be perceived as indifference and that can't be good either. Seems like I have no reasonable choices.
Despite the negative that has to shine through unintentionally, I have hope. The simple long stares, the lingering at drop-offs, and the happiness in my own and my 5D lives are apparent to WAW. I know my wifes financier and my WAW spent a good deal of time talking last night. I imagine this could either be really bad or if she has 2nd thoughts, maybe beneficial. When I see WAW in a few hours to bring 5D, I'll know. I will see it in her face and actions. Nothing is certain but death and taxes. So, I have continue to have hope. As the song says, "search your soul, search your heart, and when you find me there you will search no more." I am confident.
WAW brought 5D to house yesterday at noon as planned. Brought xmas lights I bought last year to decorate outside as I asked. She got a jacket out of the car for 5D simple hug to her and 5D went toward the house. She mentioned something about 5D and then said she needed to go and smiled. Not sure if it was directed at me...She was there maybe 5 minutes. Didn't really get out of arm reach of her car.
Since, my WAW calls 5D every night I have her, I dialed WAW last night and gave the phone to 5D as we sat by the fire roasting marshmallows. I overheard WAW say it made her night but of course I didn't get to talk.
With Tuesday approaching, I am really scared. I cannot sign papers for one I don't want this over and two I cannot accept the terms. But I also know I cannot really approach the topic with my WAW because if she is steadfast in her decision, then she will just say better get a good lawyer because she has her aunt to finance a fight. Sux, she is unhappy and thus wants her cake and ice cream too.
I woke this morning early feeling sad and helpless. I sure would like to do something to bring us back together. LRT seems to be showing her that I am happier without her which only vaildates her decision. Leaving her alone is getting harder.
Any suggestions would be appreciated. 5D and I are having a great time with lots of plans to continue but I sure would like to do something to change the course of events that seemed to be planned by WAW. Acknowledging papers seems to be bad. Any other contact is pursuing...seems like more sit and wait...am I wrong with that logic?
Well, hopefully I didn't make things worse last night. My cell phone died and WAW wanted to contacted 5D and left several voice mails the last of which said she was documenting it. I texted what happened back and then called her. I validate her by saying I understood why she thinks I am sick but I was not that sick/hateful with regards to this incident. Things basically turned into us, not sure helpful.
- I mentioned basically my post her on sick and said I get it, I understand. I spoke about the large sum of money I spent on making Zucchini Chowder missing hers and how I did same thing I used to gripe at her about. And several other points - Asked her to consider helping find a LRC/LMFT for 5D. Said I've done a lot of research I think this is in the best interest of 5D. She at first was apprehensive but at end of conversation relented because I emphasized how she is being torn apart. - She said I still don't get it and says that I tried to be perfect and so smart...I can use this later to illustrate my new life because of my failures in our marriage. - She believes she asked for counseling, told people things that I didn't, tell things to 5D that I don't, basically little I say...I'd say this was to be expected. - She brought up papers and if I was signing them. I asked how could I sign them with things that are just not true...such as not having lawyer. - Mentioned missing items in papers, she asked what, division of assets not agreed as she thinks, briefly mentioned unacceptable child custody...serious discussion would have been just as good as talking into a dial tone. I did ask if I was so bad then how come we are doing a 4 day equal rotation now. She said it was hard, but nothing concrete. Perhaps this hard is just her missing 5D and her own unhappiness. - Also, mentioned that 5D I was going to provide a stable life for 5D and that if she cannot pick-up 5D then I would be. This contradicts her continued plan of letting her mother babysit all the time when she works. - She wants me to discuss missing or points of discussion with her and her lawyer before wednesday. Like I am going to do that by myself. I offered restraunt, over dining room table, divorce mediation that I would pay for. She didn't seem to thrilled with that. - Doesn't seem she will file fault...in my state she cannot file no-fault...but she can sue for a divorce...I don't understand this but I'll get my answer this afternoon. - I think she is doing this because of how I hollered and yelled at her those last two Saturday's. She will not forgive me now. - I mispoke once, and she got angry...I tried to correct by saying I said it but didn't mean it I meant this...she did not believe me...It illustates how she doesn't believe in me now.
Everything to me points that she cannot wait for this to be done. And at the same time she doesn't see a day ahead in any of our lifes. I also think I am not good at DB/DR and I certainly didn't show much in this post. I did a lot more listening and validating. She talked more. She is so angry and she is programming herself to eliminate anything good, just like we all read about.
I have hope because she relented to the counseling with 5D and that I want us all to go for 5D benefit. But she is not going for me. We will talk tonight because she wants to schedule this attorney meeting. Perhaps, we can have a worthwhile discussion. I will hope and pray.
Silly of me probably, but I mentioned DVD's and retreat because issues of keeping things nice in papers, less money spent, etc...came up by her... She said what good would that do? I took it to be she doesn't want to try, perhaps theres a very hidden positive of curiousity in her anger.
She called 5D last night. WAW said something to prompt 5D into saying, "My Daddy is not being ugly." A bit later she told 5D it's getting close to her bedtime where my 5D said, "Daddy said we have lots of time." She said this because we were done with dinner, bath, and HW and had lots of time to play. When WAW called back to set-up meeting time for legal stuff, I told her basically that was not right to lower me in the eyes of 5D. She swore she didn't mention me but I know otherwise.
WAW called back as expected to discuss legal stuff. WAW conceded on meeting at a restraunt as opposed to meeting with lawyers or something else. So, I have a dinner date to discuss my doom I guess. I better be prepared. I better hope and pray for the best.
5D woke this morning missing her mommy. I called WAW saying someone wants to talk with you and handed phone to 5D. Sure do wish she would see how this is destroying our 5D.
Can't wait til payday. I really need some support and will be getting phone consultations, etc... I really feel as if nothing will stop this in her mind. She does not want to believe my changes and is only thinking of herself. I know my only choice is to do whatever it takes to do what is best for 5D.
Still have hope and prayers. Perhaps, restraunt meeting will be positive.
Thanks all. Any suggestions would really be appreciated. I have no idea what to do. I do have a meeting with attorney prior to restraunt meeting. Other advice greatly appreciated.
Any LBS's met with spouse to discuss legal stuff? What helped you? I feel like I have to get aggrevated in order to be strong and confident yet still be nice, considerate, etc... Hard to be reasonable with the WAW. What do you do when you know topics will get her aggrevated such as child custody? Leave?
Two days ago, I did get to validate her feelings when I hollered and yelled during our last argument. She said she cannot be married to that man anymore. I said good. I said that man does not exist anymore. She started mentioning things that she wanted me to do in the past and I was able to say I am doing that such as church, counseling, what else, etc... you are unable to see it because I am not there.
Wednesday approaches with attorney visit at 2pm followed by dinner meeting to discuss legal issues with WAW. I think all I can say is lets do what is best for 5D. I wish I could offer more space and time. She needs to see the life she has choosen without intrusion. She has not seen it clearly yet.
Sure could use some input from those that have sat at the restraunt with a WAW to discuss this stuff.
