Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done an xh, his FF, Thanksgiving, MIL, and one psuedo-R

I've not had much luck with anything for the teeth...ice, Tylenol, spoons to chew on... lol I will try those. These don't aren't nearly as bad as the four front teeth that came in simulatenously. Yikes. He screamed off and on for two weeks.



I don't. I question why they would bother. I also question if that means they think I'm incapable. Or what the ulterior motive is.

See the problem? And why I would want to work on it?

Hmm.
well, maybe there's a lesson to be learned somehow, in how to say "no" to your husband without being unfriendly.

you mentioned you're not religious, so you presumably dont believe in the whole "abstinence before marriage" thing but if you WERE that way... how would you handle it?

How would you handle a boyfriend who Really Wants It... while at the same time, you want to tell him, "i love you, but not until we're married" ?

If you're serious about your boundary of "no nookie for mr. 'im not ready'"... then perhaps thinking about that sort of thing would help you in ideas of how to stick to it.

Yeah those teething caplets saved my sanity. Quiet them down pretty fast. Helps them sleep. Worked wonders for both of our kids.

You are too suspicious of others. :P Did you have had bad experiences? Also something to think about. Do you believe you aren't worthwhile of others doing services for you? Sometimes one can feel unworthy and thus reject services from others. I know my W is very much like that. She doesn't feel good about herself so she doesn't think she's worth the effort by others.... Not saying you have the same problem....

I think this is only a small part of it. No, I think it's that I don't trust their sincerity.



Oh...I think I know where this comes from...



No, nothing horrible or traumatic in my past. At least, nothing more than anyone else goes through in school.

Nope, I'd bet this is because of my dad. I think some of his suspicion rubbed off on me. Thanks for pointing it out. I thought I had relaxed some over the years...guess I need to let go more, huh?

Sometimes action speaks louder than words, even to yourself.

Kiddo and I stayed the night at xh's last night. The original plan was for him to pick up the baby at my place, but he asked me to come by since he was low on gas. Then he just asked if we'd both stay. He still wants some alone time with the baby, so we may reschedule for later this week.

We talked some more. xh seems really angry with his mother. He said she was 'crazy'. (Not literally, he just sounded frustrated.) It sounds so odd, in contrast to what I remember him talking about her when we first started dating. How hard she worked, raising three little kids, escaping from an abusive husband, etc.

Anyway, apparently, MIL thinks that I am "b!tchier" than I used to be. xh said he thinks this is because I refused to talk about our R with her. (He and I both agreed that it's no one else's business.) I found this hurtful, and told him so. (After all, I made an extra effort to take the baby to see all of his family when I was there a couple of months ago.) He told me not to worry about it, and that he is on my side.

We only hung out for a bit, since it was late, and I was tired. xh also talked to me a bit when I laid down with the baby. There's been more of incidental touching lately...he had his hand on my leg while we chatted. It's like he's forgetting to remove it lately. Anyway, he told me he was thinking earlier about some of the good memories...how happy he had been, how much he liked being married. (Guess the "there as always something missing" fog may have thinned, a little.) I told him I missed it, too.

His cell phone text ringtone went off. (JD, who else?) It was funny. He didn't jump up and run. He even seemed bewildered for a moment, and said, "Wow, I don't want to run and check it. Somehow, you seem more important right now." (Note to self: not going to fall into score keeping with JD. Just mentioning because this is the most 'open' he's seemed in a very, very long time.)

Anyway.

Positives about me I like:

I'm less hung up about whether or not xh called. I don't impulsively check my phone 100 times, after I've walked the dog, or been in the shower. I do look, but it doesn't feel so necessary.

I also genuinely worry less about saying the wrong word. If we have a minor fight...so what. It's something to learn from.

Positives in xh I like:

xh is much less critical. I'm not sure when it stopped, but I suddenly realized, he's no longer asking "What'd you do that for?" It used to have this undercurrent of judgment to it. I haven't heard that in months.

Wow that is a lot of positives!
1. He loves being with his son, even wants alone time. That means he's really wanting to be a father.
2. He's being very supportive of you. Being on your side vs his mother is no small thing. I've always felt stuck between a rock and a hard place between my W and my parents. Him sticking up for you is a major step.
3. Him not jumping to check phone from the "competition" and feels you are more important. That is really really great. My W jumps and check the phone from people she has never even met in person in the middle of a conversation with me and then starts texting back. Grrrrr.....

Sounds like you guys are really making good progress lately. Happy for ya.

Yes, he's always wanted alone time with DS...I have never doubted his sincerity as a father. I try very hard to accommodate him, as his schedule is erratic and more set than mine. I don't mind...it's as much for the kiddo as anything else.

As far as progress...well, I expect he'll probably pull back some, again. I've been thinking back on what happened the last time I busted it. We went from having a really great time together--to poof, he pulled back so hard and fast, I thought he was gone for good. Then he popped up again a couple of days later, acting like good old pre-crazy xh. lol Whatever. I don't have that crazy sense of impending doom or need to have it immediately resolved anymore. Just taking day by day.

So...xh called me a little bit ago. What is it with car accidents lately? One of the other students in his art class was in a car accident and died. He was shook up. Said he was thinking about selling his motorcycle again. I told him he should think about it a bit, so he didn't do something impulsively he might later regret. I mostly just listened to him.

MIL should hit Phoenix sometime today. She is supposed to stay with him for a couple of weeks (I think?) before heading to Mexico for awhile. xh is already feeling anxiety, and I can see some of his old patterns starting to pop back up again. He has been talking to me about it, and so far I have just been validating his feelings. But, I think if he directly asks my advice, I may offer some DB techniques. Or phrase it, "If you were talking to me, what would you say?"

He seems really worked up about it. Kept talking about how he was going to feel invaded, how he wasn't ready, he wasn't done working on himself, and this would just interfere. That he likes being able to come and go as he pleases without anyone harassing him. I asked him if he was afraid she is going to bully him, and he said yes.

I never really thought of MIL as a bully. She is pushy and headstrong...but a bully, no. Then I thought, maybe xh feels bullied because he has trouble saying 'no', because he's more afraid of the other person's reaction. Then it dawned on me, that sometimes I feel bullied because I can't say 'no'. Kind of a light bulb train of thought. I think I will share this with xh later...he will probably find my line of thinking interesting.

(Oh, and on the positive side, we've both been better at saying no, in general, when appropriate.)

On the way to work, I gave him a quick call to offer to go with him to the funeral on Friday. I thought he might want some company. I told him it was okay to tell me no, if he'd rather me not for whatever reason, but I wanted to offer anyway. He seemed flattered that I thought of it.

I did have a bit of crazymaking moment earlier. xh left quickly from my place this morning, like he usually does lately, saying he wanted to get some studying in before class. Then I remembered one of the texts I saw from JD a couple of weeks back...and it occurred to me, maybe he was in a hurry so he could meet her...

So. Instead of letting it run away with me, I just called him. No answer. I left a message: "Hey, had a weird thought and was having some anxiety so I wanted to ask. TTYL."

He called me back a couple of hours later. And I asked. The trick to this is, I was non accusatory. I told him I was pretty sure it was just my imagination running away with me.

xh was honest. He said she did sometimes, but he really was just studying before class most days. He even told me about what times she usually is there, and how often. I didn't get angry; didn't even get upset. I thanked him for his honesty. (The point of all of this is, I suppose, learning to confront fears and emotional topics head-on...and being open to the answer, whatever it is. It helps the other person be more honest in the long run.) We agreed that is was juts my mind taking something that was there, and blowing it way out of proportion.

All this lead into a minor R talk. No yelling or anything. Got the usual: "We're both single, we need to move on, get our lives together, blah blah blah." (All normal, typical rhetoric.) I did tell him that it hurts my feelings when he tells me to go "get a boyfriend." (I love how he says it...like I can just go to Target and get one off the shelf!) I said I am choosing not to, at the moment.

I did tell him that, from my point of view, I found it frustrating that he talks about wanting a family and married life, because, well, he had all those things. xh said he knew that, but wasn't in the right frame of mind at the time. He said he still wasn't ready...then asked if I thought he was. I said, "Do you think you are? You are doing great...you've made a lot of progress."

It also just occurred to me...another positive...xh was really sweet last night. Kept saying how I go way out of my way to accommodate him and his crazy schedule. (I actually do it just to be nice. Not trying to prove anything.) So he offered to just come over to my place later, and for me to be able to spend some time at home. (I've been saying a lot lately, that I'm just not home enough.) I did notice he asked me a couple of times later if I had enjoyed that. Note to self: I think he's looking to feel more appreciation for the nice things he does. So I just sent him a text thanking him for it.

just checking in on you for a bit.. sounds like you're doing Really Good And so's the "ex".
I hope that you keeping the positive connection strong between you, will continue to work well for you, without the regressions he's gone through in the past

Gah.. you're lucky.. actually invited over to stay n stuff.
sigh.