Lisa, yes I do have mind-boggling doubts about the last two years or so of my marriage.
In late summer of '01 my H revealed to me for the first time, his concerns about depression. I was right here for him, did some assessments, talked about it, suggested therapy and medication...I was VERY concerned. It was the first time he'd seemed to be "the vulnerable one".
But within a couple of weeks (he took St. John's Wort for a while, but that was it for treatment), he seemed back to the "old H"...easy going, happy, joky, involved with work.
Little did I know that it was at this time that he "discovered" the chat room and it was this distraction that was bouying his spirits!
By Feb of '02 he was "in love" with EA #1. He sent me a lovely e-card for Valentine's day outlining all the things he loved about me!
In March he went to see her and made the EA a PA (of sorts).
In April he planned a small birthday party for me, I had NO CLUE what was going on.
By this time OW #1 was over (they were "just friends" at this point) and OW#2 was the big love of his life. In late May '02 he met with her and turned that into a PA as well. This was much more of a love affair than OW#1.
Yet a few weeks earlier, he and I went out and bought each other sapphire rings to celebrate our 10th anniversary!!!
I must say, though, that in retrospect, I could sense something was wrong. I'd sensed something "missing" in our R for quite a while, but this was even stronger.
Yet being trusting and naive, I NEVER thought it was an A!
Summer of '02 was odd, H was working more hours than ever and I began to feel like a work widow. Of course many of those overtime hours and late nights "working" at home, as well as some of the "business" trips, were anything but Work related!
So I grew more lonely, critical, demanding. I really didn't have a clue, but I was feeding him ammunition to justify what he was doing!
I can't get over the fact that my H, whom everyone respected as a genuine stand-up guy, could have pulled off such a massive deception and for so long.
It really has shaken my trust and my view of him. I feel myself gravitating back toward full trust, and then the memories flood back and my guard goes up.
I suppose the one great thing I have learned and KNOW deep inside, is that no matter what my H does (keeps to his word, stays honest, stays with our M, or cheats, lies, leaves)...I WILL SURVIVE...and more than that, I will THRIVE!
I've found meditation practise to help a lot with this. "The power of NOW" by Echart Tolle was a life-saver for me in the early days of bomb #2.
H got up before me (as usual), didn't say a word about my note. In fact he left it posted to the bathroom mirror .
He seemed a bit preoccupied, but he was dealing with some severance package stuff, dealt with some bills, cut our cell phone service to the minimum (I don't really need a lot of monthly minutes ). Very nice to see this stuff being done.
So I got right to work when I got up, did a bunch of prep for class, got 1/3 through creating my final exam.
Right now he's with our C for a private session to assess his Depression. I imagine that was playing on his mind some today too.
So I'll likely not be around the bb tonight. Unless he falls asleep real early or something. But for sure I don't want him to feel that this place is taking over our time togther.
SB - my H, who has been pretty good about me being on the board (although I do it mostly when he's not here) does seem to be a little disconcerted by the fact that I am still on - like we're okay now, so why would I be on the board?
Shiny, I am on at home!!!!!!!!! I will check in later- you have all kinds of stuff going on here! I thought I was up to date! think I should tell my H I get on this board? He would probably spy on me... I am so excited!!!!! Pathetic but excited! shay
Shiny, Ok I read your very interesting saga and I have to say that I can relate so much to your H coming up with the stuff that's wrong with you that may or may not be true but definitely blown out of porportion? Shocker: this aries girl is also high stress tolerance, a bit of a perfectionist, and very opinionated. Maybe we can use some improvement there but why wasnt this an issue 2 years ago when you wanted to go to MC?????????? My H always talked about how the last 7 years were not good- sex issues, I hated his gifts , I didnt care about his job , I made fun of him and on and on and on...I think you and I have room for improvement but the enormous spin they put on it is just not accurate. My H accused me of not going to watch his triathelons- he told me not too!! let the kids sleep in he said. Anyway, this is your thread so I got very defensive and tried to prove he was wrong- this got me further in the hole. I think you are doing a great job. I think your H has esteem issues and the job cut cannot help. Have you read 5 love languages? My H likes to be appreciated. And physical affection is number one. I wonder what yours is? Sounds like he is a gift giver and needs appreciation. Not sure. Dont know what to ask for the D I mean B-day? Ideas? Trip to Vegas? Let me know your decision! going to bed, Shay
Before posting today's update, I'll post what I typed up in Word last night. So remember..this is yesterday's news.
This afternoon, H was on line looking up some severance package/investment info. I came in to deposit some recyclables and caught the B***F** Inn website on the screen. I pretended not to see. He’d mentioned that as a possible birthday gift. It’s am Inn just across the border in the U.S. Not sure how I feel about it.
With imminent War, the border, what would we do all day? Are we there yet? I don’t think so. I’d almost rather have some time away by myself. A Spa or something. That would be grand. Maybe I’ll research it a bit on-line. Something with meditation. I’d just like to get away from all of this for a while. And with working all summer and taking on an extra course next fall, I’m feeling a little weary.
H dropped off a couple of my jackets at the drycleaner, then had his private assessment with our C. I asked a few questions. He said she just asked about his family history, his own history with depression. Mentioned a support group he may join.
We made chicken fingers, pesto, roasted red peppers for dinner. It was going nicely until one of those moments hit me…the plot of “That 70’s show” was, you guessed it, cheating. I was getting full anyway, and contemplating not finishing what I’d piled onto my plate. H noticed I’d stopped eating and asked what was wrong. I mentioned the latter. He pressed and said “I guess you’ll tell me what’s bothering you when you’re ready”. But not in an especially nice manner.
So I said “Excuse me if I’m a little sensitive to this theme right now”. He said “I’m sorry for ruining your day”. I said “What, by turning on one of our favourite shows?” Then…(Get the 2X4’s out ) I said “You almost ruined my life, but you didn’t ruin my evening”. H said something about changing the channel, or him doing it any time something related came on. I said that that was dumb or not feasible, I mean I HAVE to deal with this, right? I can’t bury my head in the sand and hope it goes away. Run from every reference I hear or see? It’s everywhere for crying out loud!
How does he expect I would feel? Perhaps, hope against hope, that it won’t trigger bad feelings for me? So soon?
I cleared up the dishes, he just sat there. Looking stunned, hurt. Now I feel like the bad guy, he’s the one who needs assurances and comforting. Is he??????
How would that even go? I’m sorry you asked and I told you the truth, but now you’re unhappy so what can I do for you????
In the back room I brought it up for clarification. DOES he REALLY want us to share everything all the time? He said yes, because he didn’t know what I was bothered by: maybe it was that he hadn’t vacuumed the carpet, that he hadn’t asked enough ?’s of M at work, the income tax fiasco etc. etc.
I said, no, actually I thought he’d done a lot today and I was happy about that.
He said he needs to know what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it because I have a history of keeping this stuff to myself and letting it build up.…I said “And you don’t?” Just a slight tap, this time please, I recanted it immediately and apologized…although truth be told H is perhaps more guilty of that than I am….just look what he was covering up and for so many years!!!
I made an analogy: I said that some of those issues were viable, worthy of discussion, but this reaction I had at dinner…this wasn’t about anything specific, just the general horror creeping back in (at least until I asked what was in that package he sent her: two photos and a handkerchief with his cologne ). So it’s like a scab healing over which itches every now and again. Is it really good to pick at it each time????
H thought about it for a bit and somewhat to my amazement said Yes, he still wants to know when stuff like that is eating at me. I asked “Why?!” He was silent. I asked “Aren’t you torturing yourself enough?” He kept his eyes averted and said “No”.
What???? What does that mean? That he hates himself so much he WANTS to suffer more, or that he really doesn’t bother himself with it all that much and needs me to poke and prod him every now and again. Yikes! Neither one is good!
So I just sat there for a bit, digesting that, and then said in a neutral tone “Well, I need some water and a more comfortable perch”. (My neck is sore again). And I went into the living room. H sat in the back, in the dark without the T.V. on for an hour, while I flicked channels down the hall. And you know what?….I actually felt pretty good. Nice to have the room to myself. Nice to be able to flick the channels, watch some of American Idol. (H hates it, I don’t mind catching some of it).
I went into the back room at 10:00 asked if he wanted to watch Six Feet Under. (I highly recommend this show, it’s a gem) He came into the living room and was dozing off by 10:15. I watched the show, watched a lengthy promo, flicked the channels. He was snoring softly, but when I sat up to put my runners on, as per usual, he woke up. I turned the lamp off and asked if he wanted the T.V. off too. He acted like he hadn’t been asleep, actually said so. I said okay, but you usually don’t snore when you’re awake, and slid the remote over to him. (Please read the calm, neutral, tone of voice here, factual, not emotional or sarcastic).
I went to the bathroom, he got up and had a glass of water. I came in here to journal and he turned the T.V. up louder out there.
He walked past this room on his way to the back room where I joined him for a few minutes. Hope he took note that I am journaling and not bbing right now.
Although, why should it matter?? He was asleep! What is it about me that puts him to sleep like that? Is it just an escape from the misery that is being H. It’s not like this is exactly new behaviour. Now of course he’s awake out there. While I’m in here.
I think I just might try to get to sleep earlier yet for a change. Read for awhile. Pray that sleep comes easily. Had an interesting dream this morning, may just post it later for my fellow dream watchers.
So I did get to sleep early, classes went great, had lunch with some girlfriends, had my SIL cut my hair (not bad, but I'm always itching to style it myself when I get home, will resist until tomorrow ).
H cleaned the rest of the house while I was out . So nice to come home to that "clean carpet" smell. He also made plans to try making Calzones for dinner .
I picked up a few ingredients and some vino, he's out getting the rest right now.
YES I did thank him, more than once, hugged and kissed him for cleaning the house. Must reinforce the behaviours we want, right? And I really did appreciate his efforts .
Okay, now I check on erinr, and whoever I can get to before it's Calzone time...
Say hi to Mr. Shinybear for me, and quit giving him so much grief. He's making you dinner and brought you wine. No picking fights tonite, okay? BTW - I think your H was trying to make a point last night about the importance of honesty in the R. And no, that doesn't mean picking at scabs - but what my H and I have learned is that when we're trying to "protect the other person" we're usually trying to protect ourselves, and that when we get little concerns out in the open, they don't fester into bigger concerns. Scary, I know, but we are learning to do it.
, I made fun of him and on and on and on...I think you and I have room for improvement but the enormous spin they put on it is just not accurate. My H accused me of not going to watch his triathelons- he told me not too!! let the kids sleep in he said. Anyway, this is your thread 
so I got very defensive and tried to prove he was wrong- this got me further in the hole. I think you are doing a great job. I think your H has esteem issues and the job cut cannot help. Have you read 5 love languages? My H likes to be appreciated. And physical affection is number one. I wonder what yours is? Sounds like he is a gift giver and needs appreciation. Not sure. Dont know what to ask for the D I mean B-day? Ideas? Trip to Vegas? Let me know your decision!
Just a slight tap, this time please, I recanted it immediately and apologized…although truth be told H is perhaps more guilty of that than I am….just look what he was covering up and for so many years!!! 
). So it’s like a scab healing over which itches every now and again. Is it really good to pick at it each time???? 