I have posted in bits and pieces about my sitch, but I wanted to start a thread b/c I feel the need to express things in a more ordered way and receive (I hope) some constructive advice from the other DBers.
Long story short, in early August 2007, I received the ILYBINILWY talk. I did all the wrong things (cried, pleaded, yelled), but I was truly in the dark as to the causes and depths of H's unhappiness (my lack of love in acts of service, especially things related to homemaking; his frustration with being underemployed and my role in that (he has had to defer his plans for me); and my controlling behavior (having to "overhelp" people, really taking over for them). I found the DR book and the Relationship Rescue book, and I read voraciously. The RR book especially helped me piece together MY contribution to the situation, and the DR book helped me stop destructive pursuing behaviors.
There have been up and down periods since then, with my H taking no steps to end things or go anywhere but also with him not going back on the INILWY speech. In the midst of all of this turmoil, I also suspect an EA, but he denies this in a way that really seems truthful, so....
In good news, at the beginning of October, he came off the fence to say he wants to work on things. We have gone out together, spent more quality time together as a family (three young children), and made plans for the future. We have even started to ML again. However, this past month also has included several moments of his general alien behavior. For no apparent reason, he becomes distant, irritable, etc... I have become obsessive about "signs": if he wears the ring or not one day, how he kisses me back when we say goodbye in the morning, if he leaves the cell phone out or not. I realize that this is not healthy, but I am having a very difficult time stopping this (and this surprises me b/c I gave up the snooping fairly easily and have not looked back).
My overall sense is that he has swept everything under the rug, and from time to time, he notices the big bulge but goes on. I do not believe this is a good approach, but I am reluctant to force the issue b/c things are ok. However, I am not satisfied with ok; I want exceptional, and I feel that the only way to get there is by laying it all out on the table. Are there any people who disagree? Is it possible for him to just get over this on his own???
I can identify with your worries about H just sweeping this under the rug--I feel my H has done much the same. Based on what you wrote though, I think your day-to-day efforts are the best way to go (versus putting it all out there on the table at once and potentially causing a big blow up). They seem to be improving the overall situation. Backslides and dips in the road are normal--we're all experiencing them often.
When it comes down to it, he has to come to terms with everything on his own, on his own schedule and to his own satisfaction. There isn't much you can do beyond putting in your effort to make things good and taking care of yourself when he's not available for you.
FWIW, I'm not satisfied with OK either, but it's a heck of a lot better than the purgatory I was in a year ago. And the potential is there for exceptional...we just have to take it a step at a time and try not to get ahead of ourselves.
Illuminata, I think an exceptional M is a worthy goal, but long-term. In the early stages of Piecing, your're going to have to be realistic and accepting of imperfection and small steps towards your ultimate goal.
For me, Piecing has partly been about an increased acceptance of the strengths and imperfections of my W and M, and being more patient, and less judgmental. This is a difficult lesson to learn.
I understand the dilemma of fear of backsliding. When things initially start to get better, there is a sense of groundlessness, that there is not yet stability in the M. It's important to maintain GAL activities and self-care. I continued my daily writing practice and dance lessons, as a means of keeping healthy boundaries and a sense of balance in my life.
I think it's premature to lay it all out on the table at this time. Your M is wobbly and just starting to stabilize. Focus on continuing positive connections and building enough of a rapport to address conflict.
What issues do you want to address at this time?
No, I don't think he can resolve his issues on his own. Your patience and positive influence will fertilize the ground, allowing him to grow.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thank you so much for the reality check. I am one of those impatient sorts who thinks that because things are improving, they should be "there" already.
Yesterday, I had a really flat conversation on the phone with H during the day, and I felt a bit nervous, but when I came home, we had a lot of really animated conversation, which goes to show me that I cannot predict everything and acting "as if" really works. These chats (never R chats) happen as he follows me around, and I never follow him around (per DB instructions), but he always follows me from room to room or comes into the kitchen when I am cooking to talk. These are some of the little things that I try to hold onto (ah, for one passionate "ILY").
We are also planning a big lifechange, a major move. Has anyone else planned a move or another big change in the midst of the piecing process? In part, it is positive because we are planning a shared future and we are dreaming together, but I am nervous too b/c of the "groundlessness" that CL mentions.
I was really disappointed last night because I was in an amorous mood, and the H was so exhausted that he fell asleep before his head hit the pillow. All that grooming and pretty underwear gone to waste:) I really need to work on being ok with these things and not assuming that they mean something. That is, pre-bomb, I would not have given a second thought to no ML on a day when I clearly showed interest, but now, everything seems to mean something. I really need to work on letting go of the hypervigilance b/c it is not healthy.
This morning, H started the car for me and put on my fav radio station. He is such an acts of service guy, so I know that this is his way of being loving (but I love physical touch and words of affirmation). I, however, am attempting to add acts of service to my linguistic repertoire, and I hope that I start to "feel" it soon.
He is such an acts of service guy, so I know that this is his way of being loving
This doesn't necessarily mean that it's his way of being loved. Many acts of service people DO them because they need to hear the Words of Affirmation they bring.
Thanks Aud for the kind words. I have a smile on my face this morning though, so my patience paid off:)
Ellie, I think that he is both a acts of service and a words of affirmation person. He was always crazed when I did not "do" things (clean, make phone calls, etc...), and I really believe that this means love to him b/c of his family background. However, I also believe that he likes to hear words of encouragement, thanks, and especially respect. I am working hard to do these things.
I was also heartened last night by the fact that there is something that my husband really wants to do, but when the opportunity came up, he waited to speak with me first so that we could decide together. That meant a great deal to me b/c at times during this process, I have felt that my feelings are at the very bottom of the priority list.
I know that people discourage doing status checks, but it has been some time (month and a half) since I have checked in with my H about where he is at R-wise. I am pretty sure that I should just go with the signs and not get caught up in hearing the words, but it would be nice to hear that he has decided that he is committed to making this work (when we started to emerge from crisis mode in early October, he said that he truly wanted to work on the marriage; is this the same as what I want to hear in different words???). I don't expect to hear ILY at this stage (having been a victim of the ILYBINILWY talk), so I think that I would only be disappointed to ask about that.
