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The man's perspective definitely helps!!! Thank you! I never really know what he's thinking/feeling.

I'm being really good about not saying anything to him about how I'm feeling right now b/c I know it will pass and I don't want to make a big deal about it. I know he doesn't want to be reminded of the whole sitch all the time, so I just act like everything's great & wonderful. He has no idea that I still think about everything, not all the time, but enough. For him, it's past.

RHW,

I am so sorry you are feeling a bit low. You know I know what it's like. I will try to email you later tonight( - it's that awful dinner time time here).

You need to over write these bad dates with new good memories. H and I have put quite a bit of effort into doing that. I would be lying if I said that has stopped the hurt but it does help dampen it, that he is obviously putting energy into trying to rectify what happened and to work together. When you H gets home you will see the difference.

((((((HUGS))))))))

Saffie

I know I sound so negative these past few days. I've realized when H just called a few minutes ago that the trust is not truly back. Part of me thinks/knows he won't cheat again, but I always wonder. He had to go off base to get something from someone's house for their Tday dinner (it's already tomorrow over there) and some girl is driving him. I just start wondering, you know?

Ok, guys, if I ever get on here belly aching again, just remind me to look back at this post.

I feel really good today about my whole sitch (although it still sucks that I have until May before H is home for good). I'm really, really tired

Last night, we got on the web cam and I have to tell you guys that I have the most awesome H!! He now has started calling me "My Kelly" again and it just sends little butterflies in my stomach when he does. Also, the way he was looking at me is . . . well, I don't think I can explain it. I just KNOW he loves me so much and that is so awesome!

Yesterday, I took the boys to the nature center. We live in this small podunk town that has no zoo or anything much for kids to do. But, the nature center is kind of cool. S7 especially loves animals and they have all sorts of snakes, lizards, spiders & other "different" kinds of things. We actually have S7's bday party there every year. They got to pet a skunk yesterday and the bearded dragons and a python. Even S almost 2 did!

I'm just reminding myself how blessed we are. I guess H's year away has been a good thing for our M in some ways, I just wish it was over NOW!

When I hold little S almost 2's hand, he's just so sweet. His hands are still so itty bitty, but he acts like such a little man already.

My only concern right now is that H is really good friends w/ a couple over there -- both of them are there right now. The guy is a real jerk, drinks way too much, etc. and last night the girl was sobbing on my H's shoulder about him. Well, the guy is actually leaving a few months before her and I just hope my H doesn't get sucked into some sort of, well, ANYTHING w/ her if she comes knocking for comfort from him!

I finally just sent H the website for the B&B where I got us a reservation while he's home this next month. I couldn't wait any longer for him to get the info I sent him in the mail about it. He is SOOOO excited about it.

WTF Red ? You know me from other posts over in SSM that I mean this in the best way. You talk in one sentence how you KNOW he loves you so much...trust in that Red ! Let this other bullsh!t go as best you can...I've been there. I'm going on what 8, 9 years since my x-wife cheated on me...it hasn't gone away yet! Might not ever fully go away. Try your best not to dwell on these negative feelings....please ! You've got a good thing going here..don't let these thoughts undermine what you've worked so hard to achieve...now show us that smile

Butterflies huh ? Cool !

I know, you're right, I need to just go w/ the flow and know that he loves me and that's enough, however, it's kind of like "well, he's done it before . . . " that's all.

Red,
Just out of curiosity...What do YOU think is the reason your husband didn't follow through with the divorce? I think I got a pretty good idea...just want to hear what you got

Well, first I'll tell you what he said when I point blank asked him after the fact why he stayed -- he said "because I love you."

Ok, why do *I* think he didn't follow through? I guess I would have to say that he saw that the changes I made were for real and that I was serious about wanting to make our M a better one. I think he saw those months before he left that I was consistent and I didn't lash out in anger. I think he didn't want to D b/c of the boys. I actually got a bill from an L a few months after he left showing he had gone in and talked to a L friend of ours (long story) probably a week or 2 before things consistently were "ok" with us, so I'm assuming that maybe he got a dose of reality at that time too. And, yes, I think he stayed b/c he truly still loves me and appreciated/s that I stood by him and didn't just give up on him and/or our messed up M.

RHW, I'm finally back. It's so easy for those negative thoughts and worries to slip back in. We can "what if" things to death at times, the problem is that we build false expectations that way, both good and bad.

PMA sure can be elusive sometimes, especially with the separation, holidays, and fatigue wearing on you (3 small boys + holiday = tired I bet.) For me, it's also too easy to reflect on my part of how we got here. While I think it is important to remember & learn from that, we shouldn't dwell on it. Take a minute to think about all of the awesome things you have accomplished. Start with the boys, and work back. No false modesty.

Anyway, I just wanted to say chin up, eyes forward, not back, no fear. NO down on red time allowed. You caught the problem in time, and put the fix in. I proud of you for that, everyone here is.

How do we know the fix is in?



You can't fake butterflies, just like he can't fake that look.

That was a wonderful wake up call! Thanks!!