Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy More complicated than I imagined...

MCC,

I think you and I are on the same freq.

Please E-Mail Me at Manuelm1@ comcast.net. I wil e-mail ya in the morning.

H

I like your response to 'helping her' with her computer issues. You aren't her 'pc support guy', you're her husband, or not. If not, then you surely aren't her support guy. She has forfeited that luxury.

Poster 'husband' is right, "Getting respect is NOT being a jerk. Just because you are not a "nice guy" does not mean you are a jerk. You are a man that respects himself. You can not expect others to respect you if you don't respect yourself. "

Once again, go to makingherhappy.com and join Davids free mail list.

the hard part is dealing with the "NO OM CONTACT UNTIL WE ARE SPLIT UP". You see, what I have learned is this: If they are 'saying' I wanna divorce! I wanna divorce! then OM contact can't be 'stopped' , just 'restricted' to 'not in my house'.

If they are saying 'I dunno, I dunno, OM makes me 'feel better' , then you are in the toughest place to be , no mans land. You can choose 'tough love' where you say 'end it now', or you can sit and wait for her to 'decide'. However, DB'ing aside (which in these situations I don't believe DB'ing helps, it's much more complicated, and all the DB books have maybe one or two pages out of 200 that address this issue)

I will say that from my observations, when they are in the 'I need om for support' mode, then you need to 'man up' and say , 'uh, I am your man, take me or leave me'. It's difficult, but often the correct choice.

If, in fact, you are like me (which you can read my whole sitch by clicking on the bottom link in my posts)
where my W wanted a divorce, while still living with me, and carrying on with OM, then you're in the toughest spot.

Why? Because you are dealing with an irrational woman.

Not because she is a woman, because she is an alien.

So, what do you do? You start by setting boundaries. If she 'needs' om, then you let her know that OM contact will not happen around YOU, or the kids.

Simply put, you are making OM a negative. If she needs OM, he has restrictions on when he can 'be there'. Kinda like a 12 year old curfew.

I told my W that if she 'needed' OM, she was not allowed to talk to him in MY house which was our CHILDRENS house when either the kids, or I were around.

That was our boundary, remember in her mind we were getting divorced.

On night I came home and she was on her cell phone, and it was obvious she was talking to OM. I told her right then to end the call NOW, or leave the house and talk. She was pretty upset, and hung up the call. I told her I didn't care how she pursues her affair, but the kids and I do not need to be part of it.

I said "adultery should be hidden from the family so the kids don't get hurt by her choices"

Needless to say, I got some huffing and puffing. But what was interesting was that the calling stgopped, they were relegated to early morning, or late at night. How odd for two people who were 'in love'. I remember when my W and I were dating we would call all the time to hear each other breathe. Now that's love, or at least infatuation.

Thanks Frank. Yesterday was definitely an occassion for manning up. And hell, it felt good. While she was slamming things in the house waiting for me to ask her what was wrong, or if there was anything I could do, I felt justified in not really caring. Sure, I picked up on her angst/turmoil but what does she expect from me? She took that job away.

I ended up hijacking my own thread due to the developments from last night so if you get a chance, can you take a look at post #1262418 (maybe 8 posts back)? It's a question regarding your C's insight, DB'ing and David Cunningham's suggestions. Since you have been through this I thought you might be able to offer some insight.

Thanks again!

Well last night was a downer, a big one. Found out (confirmed) W is up to old antics of pushing for a R with someone new online. I know this guy and he has insisted he is not interested but he has not had the b@lls to make her stop.

She has told him that she is ready to move on, to start dating, to go and "get some". She is in a "drought" and feeling randy. Wonderful.

She said she might even break down and get some from me...

Man oh man. I thought things were going pretty well. It's as if she's leading a double life. The one when she's 'here' in the real world seems almost perfect. So close to feeling like husband and wife. Then she gets online and goes alien on me.

She was sick all day yesterday and, as I would normally, I helped a bit more with things around the house and with the kids and even with her - just helping to provide comfort. That comfort part is what really kills me. She asked me to work upstairs again and I did. She asked me to pick her up a snack when I was running out to the store, and I did. She asked me drop off and pick up the kids, and I did. These aren't things that I considered out of the ordinary and they didn't seem to be counter-productive to what I've been trying to do. She's sick, she asked and I helped.

She has also been sleeping in the bed again, until last night anyway.

So our discussion last night ended with me telling her that I allowed myself to feel we were getting closer again. That I was suckered into making her life comfortable again. I told her that I would appreciate it if everytime she asks me to do something she end the request with "...and I still want a D"

"M, can you pick up some potato chips? I still want a D"
"M, couldn't you work from upstairs today? Oh, I still want that D"
"M, can you help me with the computer? Yeah, I still want a D"

Apparently I'm too thick headed to remember that she is manipulative and will do just about anything to make sure the next 2 years here work in her favor, and hers alone.

I have all of next week off (we were supposed to go to NC but cancelled it due to her father's health). So I have 9 days ahead of me where I'm going to need full-time GAL.

To say I'm crushed may be an overstatement but I am definitely disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself and once again in my wife's childish behavior. Since everything seems to be starting all over again, I'm taking what I've learned over the past 2 and half months and letting that direct my actions. I am not a door mat. I am not her friend. I am a good, loving, supportive man and father. I cannot add "husband" to that list because that job has been suspended.

Continuing from above (the "disappointment" posting), I guess this one can be categorized as the "anger" posting.

I have to distance myself from her. I feel so damn angry (towards both of us). I look at her and all I see is ugliness - physical, emotional, moral, everything about her is so unattractive right now.

She used to be such a beautiful person. Not sure if anyone's familiar with the "Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde but similarly, it's as if all of her 'sins' and misdeeds have suddenly caught up to her and they are evident in everything she does and says. The mask is off, that's all. I am no longer looking at her as someone I love but instead as someone who has hurt me. I hate this feeling.

I've learned some lessons here about detaching. My happiness is still far too intertwined with my marriage and my love for this woman. And, damn it, I still allow her to have that power over me. The power to affect me in this way.

One thing's for sure. She is making it easier and easier for me to turn my back on this.

MCC,

I really want to respond but can't right now.Stay strong dude, give her space for yourself. Go do something. I respond when I get off work

H

Ok MCC,

Sorry it took so long. But was busy doing my thing and wrestling with my demons a little after work.




Ok how did you "find out"?? I hope it was not snooping. Yes if she is YOU CAN NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. So why snoop. How it make you feel?? "Well last night was a downer, a big one."

How were you feeling before?? "Yesterday was definitely an occassion for manning up. And hell, it felt good"

This is not about her big guy it's about YOU.
If you were snooping STOP. It only affects your PMA which inurn affects the way you will react to the W.




Ok she is somewhere else right now. Dude I am not an expert. I have been doing this since April 12th. My W was a "alien for the first 4 months... She would not look at me. I don't think she would have woke me up if the house caught on fire. We went away on our anniversary with our son and she slept in another room did I do?? I just did not let her behavior affect me. I even cooked some Snails (Yuck) for dinner (her favor ate and ate some. (barf).
I gave her a card and a necklace. What did she do in return you might ask? NOTHING and ya know what? that was fine with me because I was not expecting anything. That was 4 months ago. I know you have heard this before but ya need to let go big guy.
You said "she" 3 times in that last statement. You seem to be concentrating on "she" you need to concentrate on "YOU"




This is great. I see no worries here. she was physically sick. Yes you can help her in this area. It's the mental area that she needs to get help herself.
Part of not being a "nice guy" does not mean becoming a jerk.
you did well here.



Ok I don't know if you are joking or not here. I don't know how I feel about this if you are not. There are two ways of going about our sitches that I have found. there is the straight out attack. Remarks, demands, statements like above
and there is a patch up and repair method. (this is my own opinion by the way) I have tried both.

I am now in the patch up and repair mode. I need to get my marriage back to a place that It can be worked on. It is like a car with a hole in the tire. You can do nothing about it and keep putting air in and cussing when it goes flat or you can patch it until you can get back home and fix it in the right environment.



Ok my turn YOU BONE HEAD. There are you happy? Why are you putting yourself down? Does your wife need help with this also?
let her live in her little box. you need to start living outside this box. Have a good time. Do things with the kids. trust me sooner or latter she is going to start peeking out side to see what she is missing.




Dude, I was stuck for six weeks at home with a hernia operation. don't tell me you can't handle 1.
Get out big guy. go places. see things. What really works well is if W does not want to go and you take the kids out for some fun take pictures. Let the W see what she is missing.



Ok now the above you have nobody to blame but yourself. NOBODY can make you feel anyway you don't ALOW yourself to feel. This takes allot of work. I can send ya some stuff on this or you can get the e book (I can't figure out how to forward it)

Hey ya got my E-mail USE IT. Vent to me. I have my bad days. But not as many anymore.

Stay strong buddy. I hope this did not sound like a lecture it was not meant to be. it is how I looked at the situation.

Your partner in crime

H

Ok MCC,

Sorry it took so long. But was busy doing my thing and wrestling with my demons a little after work.




Ok how did you "find out"?? I hope it was not snooping. Yes if she is YOU CAN NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. So why snoop. How it make you feel?? "Well last night was a downer, a big one."

How were you feeling before?? "Yesterday was definitely an occassion for manning up. And hell, it felt good"

This is not about her big guy it's about YOU.
If you were snooping STOP. It only affects your PMA which inurn affects the way you will react to the W.




Ok she is somewhere else right now. Dude I am not an expert. I have been doing this since April 12th. My W was a "alien for the first 4 months... She would not look at me. I don't think she would have woke me up if the house caught on fire. We went away on our anniversary with our son and she slept in another room did I do?? I just did not let her behavior affect me. I even cooked some Snails (Yuck) for dinner (her favor ate and ate some. (barf).
I gave her a card and a necklace. What did she do in return you might ask? NOTHING and ya know what? that was fine with me because I was not expecting anything. That was 4 months ago. I know you have heard this before but ya need to let go big guy.
You said "she" 3 times in that last statement. You seem to be concentrating on "she" you need to concentrate on "YOU"




This is great. I see no worries here. she was physically sick. Yes you can help her in this area. It's the mental area that she needs to get help herself.
Part of not being a "nice guy" does not mean becoming a jerk.
you did well here.




You have progressed farther than I have in 7 months.
way to go...




Ok I don't know if you are joking or not here. I don't know how I feel about this if you are not. There are two ways of going about our sitches that I have found. there is the straight out attack. Remarks, demands, statements like above
and there is a patch up and repair method. (this is my own opinion by the way) I have tried both.

I am now in the patch up and repair mode. I need to get my marriage back to a place that It can be worked on. It is like a car with a hole in the tire. You can do nothing about it and keep putting air in and cussing when it goes flat or you can patch it until you can get back home and fix it in the right environment.



Ok my turn YOU BONE HEAD. There are you happy? Why are you putting yourself down? Does your wife need help with this also?
let her live in her little box. you need to start living outside this box. Have a good time. Do things with the kids. trust me sooner or latter she is going to start peeking out side to see what she is missing.




Dude, I was stuck for six weeks at home with a hernia operation. don't tell me you can't handle 1.
Get out big guy. go places. see things. What really works well is if W does not want to go and you take the kids out for some fun take pictures. Let the W see what she is missing.



Ok now the above you have nobody to blame but yourself. NOBODY can make you feel anyway you don't ALOW yourself to feel. This takes allot of work. I can send ya some stuff on this or you can get the e book (I can't figure out how to forward it)

Hey ya got my E-mail USE IT. Vent to me. I have my bad days. But not as many anymore.

Stay strong buddy. I hope this did not sound like a lecture it was not meant to be. it is how I looked at the situation.

Your partner in crime

H

No husband, not at all like a lecture but instead a straight-forward reminder. No punches pulled, it's what I needed.

Sucks going back and reading my post. Feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up and, quite frankly, losing my ability to think clearly - although I think I did pretty well during discussion with wife, mostly...

Just so you know, my asking her to add "oh yeah, I'm still going for the D" to every comment was, in fact, something I did say to her last night. It was my way of blaming her for MY lapse. It was a sarcastic comment of course but did neither of us any good.

Thanks husband for the smack in the head!!!

I feel this too. I think its detachment, and kind of like us coming out of our fog, seeing the person in front of us is not who we married (and wondering if they'll ever return).

I know what you mean about feeling 'suckered' that things were better, then being shocked. I had this happen a few times this summer. Its awful, almost worse in a way. I am so sorry!!!!