The thing is that YOU are not the one destroying the M by saying No. The S that runs around and has sex on the side is the one that is destroying it. Besides, what do you have that has taken all these years to build? Better take a good long look at it and make sure you've got what it takes for the long haul. If a man is "allowed" to have sex on the side and his W does nothing about it....then you can expect it to happen again and again in the future. And the very idea that man got mad at his W for telling his lover that they had sex! That takes the cake.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi....I am trying to send a PM to you but it won't let me....don't want to hijack this thread but I like what you have said. Here is a copy of my PM to you... I love what you had posted to YO YO. Would you mind looking at my threads? I really am thinking I am a doormat, but not sure. Problem is we are legally divorced and I found myself pregnant. Now, we are supposedly trying to work this out and R, but he seems to want his cake and eat it too.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well, I'm afraid you won't like my reponse to your stitch b/c I am going to sound much like some of your friends that you say are negative. I went over the thread rather fast, so I may have missed some things, but I think what you said in the beginning here still sums up where you exh is:
Quote:
He does think its unreasonable of me to ask him to not have contact with her as we are just in the 'friends' stage and seeing if we can work together for this child. Yet, he calls me, comes over, and wants to be a part of my life without the commitment.
You see, sweetie, IMHO, you two may have been legally D, but you never lived it. Nothing I saw in the thread even implied that the two of you were D. He may have lived in a different house, but that doesn't mean anything. He still had all the benefits of M life plus the benefits of a single life. I saw where you said you tried to go dark, but then in just a few days, it was right back like it had been. That is not going dark.
I also wonder if this is all for the baby's sake. How do you really feel about him? Do you really want him back? Is it a matter of "winning" him from the OW? Can you ever trust him again?
Are you still being intimate with him? That is the thing I don't get. If you D the man, why on earth were you still having sex with him? Plus, if you were legally D at the time you got pregnant, does he have any legal claims on your child? I guess it depends on the state you live in, I don't know about that part. I hear you say in your post that he refers to how you can't keep him from his child....yada, yada,.......but what about how he feels about you? Would he want to come back to you if you weren't pregnant?
If this OW is a teacher where the children are enrolled in school, then she will always be lurking around in the shadows. Is there any other school where they can attend?
I think he has not made a hard enough statement or impact toward the decision of R......if indeed that is his intentions. Read Dr. James Dobson's Tough Love. They must be forced into making a decision of who they want to spend their lives with and know they can't have both women! As Dr. Dobson points out, as long as he can have both, in some fashion or manner, he will continue to work it out so he can do that.
This man has not had to do without his wife or the OW! I'm sorry sweetie, but I would have a very hard time believing him. I think he would have to prove himself to me before I could live with him in a M. I would not be intimate with him. How is he going to miss anything he has not had to do without? He has not had to do without you......even though you are Divorced!!! Don't you see that? He comes and goes as he pleases. He runs back and forth between you and the OW.
Who is keeping the step-daughter? Does she live with you or her mother? Surely, you are not having to raise his daughter.
Anway, I believe this man has used you terribly. Listen to your friends. I know you want to come here and have people validate you and tell you everything is going to be fine and just hang in there and keep doing what you are doing.....but I believe in drawing the line in the sand and when they cross over....that's it. Then, if they want to go through a period of really proving themselves....that's another story. But when I say a period....I am talking a lot longer than a week or two.
Sorry if I did not say what you wanted to hear. I hope you will get lots of "attitude" and spunk and stop letting him use you. Get a life, sweetie. One that does not include seeing him everywhere you go (i.e. the ball games). A life that certainly does not include seeing OW. That's all I've head about is you going to the kid's activities. What do you do for you?
Take care. You are going through so much while being pregnant. It's not fair to you. He is so selfish thinking only of himself at a time like this. Remember how you felt when he left for his hunting trip? Maybe that was a hint. You need to stay away from him. If he wants schedule visits with the kids (you know, like real divorced people have), then do it.....but stay away from him and see just how badly he wants you......or if you still want him back. Neither of you have had a chance to find out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How can there be respect in a relationship if you know you can screw around with another person and your mate just patiently waits for you to get through and return home?
Sandi2,
Wow just Wow
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I tried to send another PM but it won't let me. Forgive me for hijacking this.
Right now I am so exhausted and sick to my stomach. I haven't slept at all and read Tough Love (again) last night. I think I am going to write the letter rather than confront him with this. That way I can stay on track and not let him fire back at me. We are having his whole family here for Thanksgiving. I will wait until after to do that. I don't want to upset my kids once again and have worked my a** off preparing. It will be hard to fake it, but it will give me some time to prepare and ready myself for this as well. I thought once I was done with the letter I will post it here and see if you and others had any changes.
I was foolish through our entire separation and D. I thought that if I was the wife he wanted to come home to he would. He just used that and found he could have both lives.
I know I can do this on my own. I just have to have the guts to step up and stick with it. Knowing him he will give me his defensive, I didn't do anything, I am perfect texts. Then he will get angry with me, etc. This is where it gets hard.
I am going to work on the letter this morning and will post it in my thread in a bit. Thank you so much again. I need a kick in the pants from you and everyone.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
