Thank you for taking the time to read my thread and for providing your insight into my situation. I've actually communicated my feelings to my wife on quite a few occasions (usually resulting in the sex argument), but I don't think that she's ever really understood. She still seems to think that my issues are all about sex, and that they’re really not important. I’m hurting every day, but I’m forced to keep my feelings inside because she doesn’t want to hear them. I’m basically a “mini volcano” – every month or two I can’t stand it anymore and I blow up. I think my wife realizes there's a problem, but she doesn't see any urgency in fixing it. Sometimes it seems like the only way to make her understand the seriousness of the problem would be to tell her that I want a divorce. However, I don't want a divorce and I'm not the type to act like I do just to get her to change. With my luck she'd take me up on it. Thanks again for your input and please keep me in mind if you think of anything else that might help me get through to her.
Sooner, Maybe we should look at this as you and I are more alike, rather than just using me for your wife's perspective. I was the mini-volcano, holding in my feelings because my H didn't seem to want to talk about some of the things I wanted to talk about. He thought things were more or less okay, with some inkling that things weren't just quite right but that it wasn't serious. I take responsibility for that. But I needed to get him to realize that there was an imbalance in our marriage. I'm not a crier, so when I cry my H knows it's serious. I don't use tears to manipulate, so when I can't stop them he knows it's important. If you ever feel like crying about the situation, have you ever let you W see that? I don't know how your wife handles your tears or if she has ever had a chance to experience them. There was one time when my H and I had tried to make love and my body was just, well, dry. We stopped and he rolled over to go to sleep. Maybe it was allergies, but he was sniffing in a way that made me think he was crying or trying not to. I really felt for him. Male tears can be powerful if they're not being used manipulatively. So if you feel like crying sometimes, maybe go ahead? Just a thought.
I'm not a crier either, but I actually have cried in my wife's presence as a result of the intimacy issue. However, times I can remember have been during the sex argument, at which point she's usually so mad at me that I doubt she feels any sympathy. Crying at those times was probably due to the frustration that I feel when I can't seem to make her understand what I'm trying to say, combined with the fact that at a time when I'm hurting so bad she gets mad and becomes downright mean. That hurts a lot. However, I have laid in bed with tears rolling down my face just because I'm so lonely. Usually when that happens she's either asleep next to me (very soundly) or upstairs, having fallen asleep after reading stories to the girls. We take turns putting the girls to bed, and whenever it's her turn I pretty much know that she won't be in bed with me until 3 or 4 a.m. And of course she doesn't wake me up or cuddle up next to me when she finally does get in bed. I've kind of started to ramble here, but I'll make it a point not to hide my crying from her if it's genuine and might somehow convey how bad I'm hurting. Thanks again - I appreciate your suggestions.
I've certainly had my share of nighttime tears. Not lately, but enough that I remember wondering why I was so affected. Loneliness? Perhaps. But something more too: isolation. A profound sense that we were not sharing something important, something essential; that time was passing us by, leaving us with missed opportunities that could never, never again be experienced.
Am I being overly melodramatic? Who can say? All I know is how I felt...and still feel. My real question to myself now is, what would I have done if my eyes hadn't been opened by SSM?
