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Well, maybe you could drive all the way out there and leave it on her car? Maybe a quick call is the best idea.



That's the whole idea, you are supposed to distance yourself But I do think your last suggestion is the best, just a quick call and then no mention of dinner. She can ask if she is that interested, you have already suggested it. Don't pursue further.

Oh, and I do think you are db'ing in showing her that you are still a thoughtful person by thinking of her on her bday.

Thanks all for the validation. It feels like the right thing to do, but I can't ever be sure these days.

PM - I have distanced myself as much as I think humanly possible. I only talk to her if she calls me (with the exception of last Thursday) and I haven't been picking up the calls right away. I'll usually call her back hours or even a day later. I haven't seen her in close to a month. So, in hind sight, I can see where asking her to dinner for her birthday would be like asking her out on a date. I got her some presents too, and now I'm debating on whether she'll get them or not. I think that I have to give her at least one because she knows that I got her at least one thing. This is so hard and confusing.

It is very hard and confusing. I come here alot to ask if I am doing the right thing. Eventually it will start to be more natural, this detaching and all. I would say you are doing a great job at detaching. We are in the same house and that is really difficult, so I try to practice some of the techniques before LRTing when in the same room as H.

It's hard to say about the presents too. Maybe just the one would be a thoughtful idea, but if she refuses it I guess, don't take it too hard, be prepared. Maybe save the other ones for if you two get to be on much better terms...Just my thoughts.

I appreciate your thoughts (and everyone else's) more than you can probably guess.

I feel like I'm doing a good job detaching, except for her birthday and I know that the holidays are going to be hard too. I want to send her family a card for Thanksgiving since I know that I won't be seeing them and they mean a lot to me. But I don't think that I can do that without her construing it the wrong way. I haven't seen or spoken to her parents since this began. It's like I've lost half of my family...

Just a quick thought...

I JUST heard from my MIL yesterday, she sent me an email. And it was one of the nicest things that has happened to me since this all began. They are still your "parents" regardless of what is happening between you and her. That's the way I look at it. My MIL was like my second mom, and I did tell her without mentioning all the details that I did not want the divorce because I love her son very much. (Because he had told them "WE" wanted a divorce, which was untrue). Maybe not good DB but I was not trying to get her to talk to him about this, just needed her to know my side. I also told her how much I loved her and FIL and that I knew they would always be there for me. That was all I said. I wouldn't suggest mentioning anything about the R, but I say send the card. What is happening to you and her, is not happening to them, they are just observers. Showing your true caring side, will SHOW her what a really great person you really are. That's my db take.

Ok, so that wasn't so quick, but you provoked some good thoughts.

Yeah, I like the b-card idea. That was actually my first thought when reading your initial concern over the b-day. I did the same thing when asking my WAW to watch dvd's, etc... Your spouse is not stupid. She heard you the first time, just like mine did. When they want to do something with us, they will let us know. If I continue to ask her, she will just feel pursued, pressured, etc... same situation I think. She knows it's her b-day and knows your offer on the table. If it were me, I wouldn't get my hopes up. It feels like a date to me. Perhaps, it will get her thinking of you, past morning routines, past dinners, etc... and that can't be all bad. Who knows? These spouse creatures are an odd group...lol.

Thanks PM. I've been twirling that around in my head for a while now. I wasn't sure how to contact them as I didn't want to show up unannounced for fear that my W would be there and things would be awkward. I also don't know their feelings on things as I don't know what my W has told them. I know that they've always treated me as a son up until this started. I came up with the Thanksgiving Day card idea when I was shopping last. I didn't even realize that they made such cards. I think that I will send it out. I'll just put something about how I hope that they have a nice thanksgiving and I hope that they are all doing well. I'll probably post something here looking for advice before I send it out.

Today is a rough day for me. It's my Ws birthday and I want nothing more than to celebrate it with her. I ended up letting the dogs sleep with me last night since I knew that I didn't want to wake up alone today. They are such good companions. I love them. That's another thing that I don't understand. I only have the dogs because my W pushed me so hard to get them. I used to think that she loved them more than me. It's been a month now since she's seen them or me. I can understand not seeing me, but why not the dogs. I talk to them about her and I can see them get sad. I don't know if it's just a mirror of my emotions, but I can see a change in them if I say her name. This may sound weird to some people, but they are very much a part of my support system. I don't know. Part of me is SO angry at her, but that part of me fights with the part that loves her so much. Maybe someday it will all make sense...

I understand bhopeful. I got two kittens after separation and I know how weird it feels. One is very sketish. I feel the day that cat will let me pet it, hold it, seeks my attention, is the day my WAW will do the same. Perhaps, things like that validate my WAW's statement that I am just sick in the head. LMAO.

I understand this. We got a dog last year...my wife had pushed for one for a while, I was never sure. Eventually I came around, and it's been great. So she's the one that wanted the dog, but now I'm the one that will keep her.

I've also felt at times she loves the dog more than me--even before this happened, she'd always tell the dog how much she loved her and give the dog hugs, I'd think why don't you try that with me more often? (yeah, I should have expressed this or initiated something myself, but that was in my emotionally closed hide my feelings state). Now, she still treats the dog the same and it feels even worse to see her give love to the animal and not me...sometimes I just wish I was the dog

Anyway, I am keeping the dog cause she likes me more and I can take better care of her due to work situations, plus I really like having her. I agree that it is great for support...these are hard times, and this little creature gives me unconditional love, that's a nice feeling even if it isn't human contact. She also sleeps in my bed, so at least I'm not totally alone at night.