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UGH: Journaling...as the saga continues.

H called me at work this morning. First words out of his mouth were asking me if I had given his father a list of psychologists for h to talk to. I had not given FIL a list. I told H that i have not spoken to anyone in his family since the weekends fiasco.

H asked how his father would find out what my work insurance would cover. Finally....a lightbulb went on...his sister as well as his brother in law both work where I work. So....I know I will still get the blame for the initial contact to his family about his suicide threat (or manipulation...whatever it was) but I was not involved in this. I did tell H he should ask his dad where he got the info and he can verify it was not from me....

We politely hung up. He was not angry and did not raise his voice. I told the truth....the end.

H then called back asking if he had received a summons in the mail from the magistrate. H had some sort of traffic violation (driving with a brakelight out) and has been waiting for his summons. Not sure if the violation is the truth or if it was something else...but whatever.

I told H that I had not received it but if I do I will let him know ASAP. H said he doesn't neet to get arrested on top of all the other stuff going on.

So....who knows what this all means. Everyone agrees H needs help except H ....and he is the one that needs to want help before it will work. I am staying out of it. Focus is definately on the kids and the dog (who is feeling much better and seems to be recovering...).

Just hoping I get no spew from this. I feel so stupid I called my in-laws when I thought H was going to hurt himself. In my wildest dreams I never thought he could have been playing me.

Oh well. Still standing....but I feel like I am barefoot standing on glass.

Mopsey

Awww, sorry .

Hope you have a good weekend lovey.

It is exhausting all the back and forth isn't it?

Journaling:

I am really starting to wonder if my h is in MLC or if he just a lying manipulator. Not sure what is what. He acted like all was well and good with life in front of his family and was constantly here and crying to me. Finally, his family has had the blinders pulled off. Not sure what happened with the list of psychologists FIL gave H. I am sure nothing happened. H will be self medicating his problems with MOW.

H came by today. I really tried to be pleasant as possible without him feeling like I was kissing his a**. I am done with that. Time to change things up a little. SIL said that the family was going to change things up as well. Before they totally ignored his behavior. Gave him a free place to live and let him be. Not sure how they are going to change things, but....we shall see.

Obviously what we all were doing was not working. I am not saying I am not going to remain standing, but I am going to take more of the focus off H and let him feel me pulling back a little. Not a game, just self preservation.

So with H back in the tunnel, and I am assuming back to MOW, he asked what we were doing for thanksgiving. I told him I bought stuff to make dinner, but if his family was doing something I would drop the kids off to spend it with them. H said that he didn't want me to spend it alone. I told him it was ok. He then said no it is not. We dropped the subject when d12 came in the room. To be continued.

I did not mention anything about H coming to have thanksgiving with us. I think that would be too upsetting to s15. I also feel like H has his family when it is convenient for him only. You can't have it both ways is what i am trying to get at and lately he has been. So ....we shall see what happens between now and Thursday.

I hate the fact that my kids are missing out on quality family time because of all of this. I have the fact that H gets angry and runs to MOW. I hate the fact that he won't grow up and get some help. I honestly think he never will at this point. I really do. I thought the past 6 weeks he was making a little progress, but now i feel like he was totally manipulating me...perhaps so that I would help him with s15.

As he was told by his sister, he will not get s15 back until he shows him that he is someone he can respect. Not someone who cheats on his wife and leaves his family.

Anyway, gotta run. Have a house full of teenagers. Nothing beats that.

Snodderly, if you are out there, I hope that all is well with your dad and that you have a blessed holiday. I have been thinking of you.

Lissie.. you are so right. The back and forth is exhausting. I admire your strength. I think we came on the boards within a few months of each other and I see you getting stronger and stronger....and here I am still hanging on. Sometimes I think that shows how weak I am. Still waiting for someone who obviously has no interest in returning. Has found something better and will not get the help he needs to turn back home.

Thanks for letting me journal. It is so much easier to handle when you can get it out this way.

Oh well. Still standing....but I feel like I am barefoot standing on glass.

Mopsey

Mopsey,
It's a one step forward, two steps backward w/the mlcer. The mlcer tends to wear a mask of being fine to others, but when it comes to us, in some instances, they pull out the "poor me" mask. If his family is starting to see him as being a bit off the scale, then good for them. It's time they realized that their son is having a crisis and needs some professional care.

Yep, it's time to change things a bit. If something doesn't work, try something different and it appears that all of you are starting to get on the same page. Once life becomes a bit more difficult for him, he'll have to settle down and start to focus on himself. He's had it very easy thus far and if his family begins to change things up, it just might jump start him in the tunnel to begin moving forward. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Mopsey, as for Thanksgiving, you do what you and children would like to do. Don't change your plans for your h. It's now time for him to understand that life doesn't revolve around him. When he begins to sense that you are moving forward, he's going to play the "dance" with you. That will be the time you will need to remain strong and not get sucked back into his little drama. They all do it and I don't think they even realize that they are doing it.

Mopsey, just wanted to share w/you that my father is slowly recovering, but he's got a long way to go. Reminds me of the mlcer's yellow brick road, i.e. everything has to happen on their time. My family and I are having to practice that old "patience" routine w/my father's health, but one thing is for sure, he's still got a sound mine!

I do hope that you and your family have a blessed and happy Thanksgiving, in spite of it all.

Snodderly...so great to hear from you. I was starting to worry. I am so glad that your father is recovering. I pray for you and your family each day.

Journaling:

Well my 2 yr old H got himself into a snit tonight. We did not see him all day. He had told d12 he had to help a friend but I have a feeling we all know who he was with.

Anyway, this evening when d12 and I got home from the store there was a message on the answering machine from SIL in california (H's brother who he is mad at because bil won't take H's crap). Anyway, I called her back and we had a lovely talk. Most of it I was down in the basement as I didn't want the kids to overhear anything.

Most of our talk was about the family and also about the kids and how this is effecting them. About 3/4 of the way during our conversation my cell started to die so I went up to my bedroom and put it on the charger while we talked. I closed the door so d12 couldn't hear us....The talk did not insult h, didn't even really talk too much about him other than I did tell her I was standing, it was, as I said, mostly about the family and kids.

Well I guess H walked in while I was on the phone. D12 must have been confused and told him I was talking to bil. When I came out, h was at the back door and said "how's my brother." I responded that I didn't know i was talking to his wife not him. H said "I am out of here." I asked why. H replies "I am not going to stay where I am not wanted."

Ugh..d12 said he stood outside my door listening for a few minutes. I replayed the conversation in my head and there really wasn't any jabs at H, just the cold hard truth as to how this situation is hurting everyone.

So, he and d12 tm back and forth. I showered and had a missed call from H. I shut my phone off. Not dealing with it tonight. A 180 for me. Before I would have jumped to return the call.

So, once again another step back. Not sure how my in-laws are handling things right now. All our actions just seem to push him to his MOW drug. I feel like there is a boulder at the exit to this tunnel and H is trapped inside forever. I just don't think he will ever come through this. He is too busy enjoying being the martyr.

So the kids and I will have Thanksgiving with our without family. I will just be greatful I have them.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Mopsey

Still standing....but I feel like I am barefoot standing on glass

UGH!! H just got me by calling d12. When I got on the phone he asked if I would like to bring the kids to his sister's for thanksgiving. I told him I would love to drop the kids off but I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable with me being there.

He then says he will just tell everyone that we aren't going to be there. He doesn't want the kids to be apart from me on the holiday. I assured him it was no big deal.

Then the semi-spew. He started in on how s15 hates his family and never calls them, blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc. I told him how dare he lay this on s15. If he is going to turn this all negatively on s15 then yes we will be there. I would never keep s15 from his family and he loves his family too much to be angry at them for h's actions.

We ended the conversation with me sleeping on it. God, H's thinking is so distorted. He just doesn't get it. He wants s15 back...well be the man he respects again and he will be back. COme back and take care of your family and stop running after a married ho and then s15 can look up to you. He won't with things like this.

Anyway, H made it seem like mil thinks s15 hates her. I don't believe this for a second. I actually called H's SIL in calif. after we got off the phone and ended up talking to his brother (oh....lets just throw gas on the fire....).

BIL has been so there for s15. He was going to see what he can do and what he thinks we should do for thanksgiving. If we don't show up H will look like poor poor H....his family wouldn't come for thanksgiving. They must hate us. If we do show up....awkward..

S15 is all for going by the way. He loves his uncles (h's bil's). They are in to sports and games like s15 and it would be great for him.

Don't know where this is going to lead me or what we will do for thanksgiving, but for now.....
Still standing....but I feel like I am barefoot standing on glass

Mopsey

I am starting to stress a little about what to do for Thanksgiving. I don't know how I feel about spending it with H and his family. The situation could certainly be uncomfortable....but will not going hurt my standing or my children. I have offered several times to just drop the kids off to spend it with their family and H won't accept this. He says he does not want to take the kids from me on thanksgiving. He is only listening to what he want to hear.

I don't know which way to turn but h will be at the house with d12 when I get home probably waiting for an answer. Wow...we were at such a peak a few weeks ago....now such a valley.

This stinks.

Mopsey
Still standing....but I feel like I am barefoot standing on glass

mopsey, most of the time when I dread doing something and I go anyway it turns out that I am glad I went, and I ended up having a nice time. What is it that you don't think you would like about spending the holiday with H's family?

WCW
I think it is the awkwardness of the situation. H is their brother/son and he has left me, has a married OW, his son isn't speaking to him, they have ignored the situation and us for over a year until the events of last weekend......I just don't know what to do.

H was not here when I got home. D12 said he left for a meeting. Part of me knows I should swallow my pride and take the kids. THey would love to be with H's family.

I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. Go and H is moping because S15 ignores him and will be so happy to be with his family (H says that s15 deliberately ignores his family because he hates H...not true just a typical teenager). Stay home and H is the martyr...poor poor h...his family won't be with him for thanksgiving.

UGH!!!

Mopsey

Still standing....but I feel like I am barefoot standing on glass

Awkward - sure. Tough to do - sure. This could be the best time to keep contact now that you have just had contact with his family. Keep that contact going so that H can't play the game between everyone.

The kids would like to go, make it a happy memorable holiday.

When my H's kids were younger some stayed with us and sometimes stayed with their mom. We all spent many holidays together, graduation, birthdays, weddings, etc. It's awkward if you let it be that way, it's not if you don't. I remember H's xw, xmil, xsil all came to my house and did all the cooking in my kitchen for oldest son's graduation party. Worked for me! I didn't have to worry about them talking about my cooking!

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents.