Quote: Do take care of your husband, but don't put him first, but do take care of him, make time for him, show him you care about him and yourself.
I've done that for 14 years and the thanks I got was him making time for another woman...I don't believe he is truly sorry for doing that to me...he is simply sorry for doing that to his "family". I feel that if we didn't have kids...h would still not be home...and honestly part of me feels that if we didn't have kids....I would not have wanted him home after this.
h still plans to keep ow as a customer...that is rubbing salt in a wound that has not yet heald.
I am brought back to the place I was last nov upon discovering ow in the first place...
I like everything that is happening around here...I like the time we are spending together...I like the fact that if I ask h will go out with me...h does talk to me about work etc.
but I don't like the fact that h still holds feelings for ow..
yes he can say..my feelings for her are irrelevant...they obviously aren't that much because I came home to you didn't I.
but I don't want this woman around at all...I don't want her as a customer and I honestly want h to despise ow..I want him to see her as the filthy, selfish, inconsiderate little twit that she was is and will always be...h has said that he's dissapointed in himself...but still holds no ill toward her and I feel he should...she was not a victim...she knew what she was doing all along.
h talks in circles at times...
one day he will say to me...I am who I am...it's never enough for you...
and then another day he will tell me that he doesn't blame me for wanting to give up that I've pulled all the punches and if he were giving as much and getting as little return he probably would give up to...so wich is it..he's giving his all or he knows he isn't giving his all???
you can tell me it's not about ow...but I can tell you anyone who knowingly paricipates in a r with a married person is aiding a criminal act!
I like this paritcular ow was lonely and unfulfilled in my r. before I stayed home with kids men made advances at me...asked me out for lunch etc...I flatley refused...I may have been unhappy but I WAS MARRIED!!! end of story!!!
I am mad at h for deceiving me...
I know that h would not have ever walked out the door no matter how unhappy he was if not for ow. and that is fact. he could no longer lie to me...could no longer live with his guilt so he left to persue the route of his guilt, pitiful ow.
why do I know feel just as pitiful as ow??? why do I feel like less of a woman for accepting that h has done this?? why do I feel like I am worthless for accepting h's behaviour and helping him to justify it??
I want ow to no longer be a customer...no questions asked...no waiting to see if she sells her house so that he doesn't drop the rest of the street for no reason...just drop her a$$, we don't need what little money he makes from her and certainly the loss of the money is worth the comfort in our home having her gone.
I really wish that I did go to her door the other day when I was on her street...I really wish I did!!! but for h's sake I did not!
I'm actually glad she's sick...sadly and very un christianly I feel she deserves it!!!!
this really would be much easier to deal with had h just let her go upond disclosure last year and not deceived me and then left...that is what is making this so hard...I believed then that he wasn't talking to her...I believed then that we were working on things...I believed then that things were getting better..but they weren't h was just pretending...while all along still seeing ow...
is h still seeing ow now???
I have no way to know...
maybe he needs to throw something else out the window!
maybe he needs to stop thinking about getting rid of the apartment and just do it!
maybe he needs to stop thinking about asking me to put my rings back on and just do it!
maybe h is simply waiting to see if ow will go through with her divorce and then he will leave...if he does I feel sorry for him...she's sure to ruin his life!!! just look what she's done to her h!! she has multiple ea's and yet she's leaving her h all because he didn't give her a hug?? my h is in big trouble and frankly very ignorant if he thinks life would be better with ow.
wait and see...wait and see...patience...paitence...day by day...day by day....wait and see....wait and see....
keep making me wait and see and you'll be seing yourself alone!!!
LL..I have never meant to try and put down your feelings..my h had/has some kind of r with his ff..but I trust him now, and maybe too late, that it was a relationship of him helping her with all her problems..is she a leacher, a *itch,yes..but the fact remains he chose to be a friend to her, so I can't totaly hate her..it's not her fault he spent time with her..she did not even know how I was feeling.I have decided to forgive her for what?? I am not sure..I feel sad that her life is so mixed up that she latches on to whomever will be there, m or f, married or not..maybe I am at ease because she found a new man..if my h really wanted her for a lover, girlfriend whatever, why didn't they get together after he left?? I don't know that either..I know they are still friends..do I like it..not really..but if we make our m work, I will have to come to terms with that..going in knowing that and again have to decide if i can understand it..I will not ask him to give her up, or I might as well go to an attorney and start d.I will not take all the blame for my m falling apart, but I did have a part in it..why did my h stray to her..I thought I had done everyting right..been home, did everything..again I don't know..I do know I am ready to forgive and move on with MY life..I don't want to be bitter and angry all the time...
I wish there was an easy answer for you..c really may help you..I hear your anger, resentment and feel so sad that you do not seem to feel any peace in what you have accomplished to date. Again..I have never meant to hurt you...
sue don't take this as a backlash at you...but it is much easier to say what you would or will do than it is to do it...
while h was gone over the summer and seaking a d...
I came to terms with the r he had had....I accepted that so what he went off and "connected" with someone else...put it in the past...it means little in terms of what we have here and can have here...
thing is h isn't putting her in the past an h doesn't see it as simply he had a connection with someone and he can move on from there...h still has those feelings for her or at least he will not deny having them...
h keeps ow as a customer just as he keeps his apartment...they are a saftey much in the same way that while my h was gone and persuing a r with ow he was still being kind and supportive to me...may not have been spending time with me but he was still as my c put it...being half a h...as if wanting to keep me at arms length incase r with ow didn't work out...
is h not doing the same with ow right now....keeping her at arms length incase things don't work out here with me???
ow has to go...no if ands or buts about it...I've let h know my feelings...he understands them...yet he chooses to do as he sees fit with his own justifications...if h had discussed with me his intentions of keeping ow on this season and the things he knows of their plans to sell their home perhaps I would be more accepting of it..but once again I am in the dark...
the difference in our sits sue is that ow was never a secret to you...ow was in your home...you knew her...met her...spent time with her...
I never knew h was friends with ow till he was seen giving her a ride to her doc appointment...mere coincidence that a friend of my family was also going to that hospital and saw them in the elevator...my h and this strange woman...if my friend had not seen them h would still be hiding his friendship from me....
h lied to me about friendship with ow..yours did not...
if h had not lied perhaps I could accept it as simply a friendship..but because he hid it and the way he withdrew from me as that r progressed to the point of his leaving...I cannot accept her in any way shape or form.
LL, But maybe you should hit yourself in the head a few times to knock some sense into yourself!! Face it, OW will always be a part of your life, always. This is something you or H will never be able to forget! 23 years after my A, my W would question if I ever saw OW?? I would tell her I had no desire, because she was taking good care of me at home! Now that W has OG, he will always be a part of our lives, whether we get back together or not, probably not!
I'm sure you still have a place in your heart for your first boyfriend in high school, but you don't try to look him up every chance you get, do you? Accept it, OW will always be there, deal with it! Forget it! Taking care of yourself means physically AND mentally!!! Do NOT even think of hurting OW. Even if she were dead, she will ALWAYS be a part of your life, always, always, accept it!!!!!!
If your words in your posts are reflected in your actions, and I was your H, you would be chasing me away, I would want to get as far away from you as possible OW or not! You admit both H and W need improvements in a M, start yours NOW. Your moaning and groaning are forcing me to become a WAP! **
ALRT is much easier than trying to DB with that miserable, cheating, lying , bitch, and living in the same house as her trying to keep her happy, and looking the other way, while she is ripping my heart out, kicking it, stabbing it, and spitting on it while it rolls away on the ground! She has e-mailed me twice today wanting to talk! DELETE, DELETE I'm finially getting my pride back, instead of being a sniveling wimp, cooking, cleaning, walking on my tip toes, and wearing my little apron around while W is Fu***** her brains out with OG, and I'm supposed to look the other, and validate her feelings???????
Quote: I would tell her I had no desire, because she was taking good care of me at home!
my h does not give me such a reply!!! he simply says nothing at all!!! or says "my feelings for her are irrelevant" ya that's comforting...
oh and if my resentment is shown to h by my doing his laundry, folding and stuffing his damn bills, buying him a second set of sponge bob pj's cause he has been wearing the first pair everynight since I bought them for him...offering to do anything I can to help may the spring clean up of our house easier for him...making him his coffee (I don't drink it), rubbing his back, listening to him talk about his stress at work, cooking the meals that I know he likes, baking cookies for him, offering him whatever he wants, keeping my mouth shut 95% of the time about ow and any other nit picky thing that may bother me.
so I am pissed off that h is keeping ow as a customer dispite how it infuriates me...sue me ok!!
the alrt is much easier but you see I am not in a place to do that....my h is home and "working" on the m...I cannot go dark and all that stuff...now is the time when things should be being worked on...talked about...dealt with and gotten over...if I am left to put all the pieces together myself concerning h's affair...then I will be left to answer the questions myself and what I come up with is far far far more horrific than what may be the truth...
my mind tells me this was a full blown affair...bumpin uglies in the ow's kitchen while her h was at work the kids at school and me at home with son! them sitting and laughing at having been seen together and my foolishly letting him stay...having a good laugh that she still had him and that he left for her...having a good laugh that she's still his customer and who knows what else and he still gets to live in his house while his wife takes care of him.
I am not saying that h is not doing anything different than before...he is...he is doing things he stopped doing long before we were even married...things are better...much much much better...sad thing is it took for h to have an affair for it to happen...took for h to try to leave for it to happen...took for h to fall in love with another woman for it to happen.
when h can tell me that he is not in love with ow and that he loves me maybe I will feel better about it all..but right now h cannot say those words or maybe he just wont...I grow tired of waiting to hear them...I grow tired of being the only one to say it..I grow tired of being afraid to say it..
if I show him to much love will I push him away? if I leave him be and just do for me and the kids will I push him away??
I am at a loss....
I know I will never forget ow...she will always be a scar in this m..always...that I can live with...but having h miss her...long for her...have in love feelings toward her..I can't live with and I don't think anyone else can honestly say they would either unless of course they simply want a marriage of convenience.
h didn't simply have an affair...he may not have even been physical with her...at least that is what he says and part of me believes him...he had feelings for this woman before he married me...married me anyway...couldn't stay away from her...went to her....eventually got caught with her...left to be with her...came home...
this is not a run of the mill affair...this was a man "in love" who still is in love with her...
ever slowly he's comming my way and yes maybe when I get impatient and want ow to be gone for good...I push him away...but don't you think what he's done has pushed me away??
who's pushing who???
h has said to me in different breaths...
no matter what I do it's never enough.
or
I don't blame you for wanting to give up...you've pulled all the punches..if I had been doing as much as you and getting back as little as I've given, I'd probably want to quit too.
so wich is it??
am I the evil bitch who wont let it go?? or am I the loving wife who's doing what she can to fix the damage with a h who is doing half the work???
lostlove, your request that H drop OW as a customer is not at all unreasonable.
you've made the request
and H denied
Now, what are your boundaries? What is acceptable? If H's refusal in unacceptable, then you absolutely must decide what you're going to do about it.
Like TonyP, YOU must take 100% responsiblity for the care of your own self worth and pride. Get your pride back. You are SO worth it even if H doesn't validate that.
If H is so in love with the OW, he should be with her. Let her wash his friggin boxers and rub his back.
It's like this, if a stranger in the grocery store was mean to your child, you'd not hesitate one iota telling that stranger where to stick it. If you're non-confrontational, then you quickly remove your child and talk smack about crazy strangers, right?
Now, you are neglecting your own *inner* child by letting this *stranger* hurt her. Tell the stranger where to stick it. Remove your child from the weirdo's wrath, give her a hug and tell her you'll always love and take care of her. And DO IT.
Maybe it's time for H to face reality? YOUR reality!!!
Quote: am I the evil bitch who wont let it go?? or am I the loving wife who's doing what she can to fix the damage with a h who is doing half the work???
LL, You are BOTH!!!! You are not an EB, but you can't let go, and probably shouldn't. Did you understand what I said about your childhood sweethart? Of course your H is still going to have feelings for OW!! I still have feelings for my girlfriend 37 years ago! But nothing compares to the feelings I have for my W or did have until now!
Of course the ALRT is not for you, and I'm not suggesting it to you! It was easy for me because I have a nice set up at my shop, and told my W to give me her keys and company credit card, and I also used a few of your words on her. I actually blew up Thursday night, and told her how bad she was hurting me, and I just couldn't take it any more. I told her the OG is a sinner with no respect for his family or any one elses. I told her he was a born again A$$hole, and he should be helping with her bills and I was tired of supporting her A.
You are in much better shape than you think, but that's the problem, you are doing too much thinking. His A is much worse in your mind than in real life. I suggested a few pages in DR to read, did you get a chance???? Also read "How to thought stop". Your thoughts are causing damage to you and your M. Pull out DR and read it instead of venting on this BB. Better yet, read it three times before coming back and venting.
This may not be very satisfying, but the OW is probably jealous of you, because H is spending every night with you! Relax, and let her be the one to give H all the pressure, and he will get tired of her! If he is getting pressure from both of you, he might go elsewhere!!!!!!!!!!
The time to worry though is when H brings home flowers for his own bedroom!!! PMA, patience, and read and reread DR! Good luck,
I am hurt by the fact that h chooses to continue to offer his services to ow...
I am trying to not be bothered by it but I am...
I try to not let h know but he see's something is bothering me...
I try to say I don't want to talk about it and h inquires more...
did something happen??
no nothing happened, I am just having a hard time accepting the fact that you are keeping ow as a customer. h says nothing. I just want her to go away.
I am upset, I need reaurance...h says nothing...does nothing..just stands there telling me he's gotta chop some wood...showing me how to use the broom he bought so I can sweep the damn rocks of the lawn to help him with the clean up...I go to him for a hug...he obliges and hugs back...son breaks the hug...h off to chop wood...me back to sweeping the damn rocks off the lawn and then to give dd a bath...little girls and puddles...ugh!!
part of me understands the explenation h finally gave of why he's keeping the other customers from the street...there is a possibility ow will be selling her house..(she is after all ding her h not likely they will live together or that she'd afford the home on her own) so why drop them all if they'll be moving...ok that I understand...but why keep her??? his explenation for why her proposal was not with the rest??because he's not sure what they plan to do...will they keep him for half season...will they sell right away??? shouldn't matter as the opening letter he sends to all states that if any thing in the proposal needs changing based on budget or property just to let him know via e-mail, phone or other corospondance. so then why keep hers out....why give special treatment there?? just send the friggen thing and let them contact you if it needs changing...or better yet send them one that terminates services.
I can't force h to drop her as a customer...I know that...
instead I must take solice in the fact that my h did come home to me despite the fact that over the summer while knee deep in d talk from h ow said to me "do you really think he's going to come home?" YUP!! and he did...now why isn't that good enough for me?? cause I am a neurotic basket case and I project the lives of others onto my own...h was in all likley hood NOT physical with ow in a sexual manner...did he hug her? yes he admits to hugging her when she was down about her illness (pitty party, pitty party)
I know h is at a loss as how to make me feel secure with him..I am too...
I try to lay on the couch with him at night watching cnn and loose myself in his arms...sometimes I can stop the thoughts and other times I cannot but I keep it in hoping that he doesn't sense the tension in me...but other times I am able to get past it and fall asleep there....
this is hard hard hard crap to deal with and anyone who has walked this path knows it.
I want to put it all behind me and I don't know how...
what can h do?
write me an apologetic letter that I can read when I'm down about things so that I can go to it when I feel that way and not have to ask it of him again??
that might work...but if I have to ask he wont do it...and it wont mean as much if I ask.
send me flowers telling me once again that I'll always be his angel.
that might work but will it sustain through the rough patches...will it be enough to keep me from going down the road of seeking more reasurance from him??
h is doing a lot of great things...
last night perfect example...he was tired and surley would have prefered to sit on the couch but he came out with me to diner with some of my friends...that is a huge step for h and I recognize it as such and I thanked him many times during the evening....even stayed silent on the way down letting him air his frustrations over his computer trouble...and even listened attentively to the talk radio he chooses to listen to. and i offered several times to drive because I knew he was tired.
I know h is trying...h is giving...
I don't know how to get past this hurdle... on a day to day basis...I handle ow as past a mistake...over...he's home with me despite whatever he feels or felt for her.
hell when she had the nerve to say to me..."you must be a strong woman...it's hard enough to repair a m after an a but to know your h is in love with someone else" I said to her...well love is more important than "in love" and he obviously doesn't love you all that much cause he's here with me now isn't he...
I would feel better if ow was not a customer...I would feel better if that was h's choice not his leaving it up to her...but I suppose (as always) I should try to see it from his perspective as a business person...I don't like it...I'd like to think that if I were in his shoes I'd drop her in a second...drop the whole street move the business closer to home...but I am not him and I do not own a business so I cannot say.
I wish I didn't love my h...I wish I had just married him for money and looks (should I stop wistling at him while he's chopping wood?)...it would make everything so much easier to deal with.
I suppose my feelings about ow are my feelings and I have to deal with them on my own...but it sure would be nice if h could help me with it...since ow is a result of him.
I do appreciate everyones thoughts...even if I do go on a tangent at times....keep in mind I am just a kid...ya know!!
