Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? new here. Feel like dying

Well, h has been staying the nights with me at home. He hasn't moved back home and still goes to get ready everyday at his parents house where he's staying.

He again asked me the other night about Tennessee. I told him that I couldn't make a decision about moving with the way our marriage currently is. He told me our marriage would be different because I'd respect him and we'd be happy.

He is completely failing to take responsibility in our marriage problems! He keeps asking if I've changed, but nothing from his end.
He showed his ugly self last night, when he yelled at me for turning on the light in the living room. I didn't see him sleeping, and apoligized and turned it off as soon as I saw him. But, he said some pretty hurtful things, very loudly in front of the kids. He then yelled at me for not cleaning the car, and "changing."
I'm thinking that I was never able to live up to his expectations before we seperated, I'm not able to do it now either. He wants a spot-less house (I work full-time and do 95% of the child-care stuff like cooking, baths, books, diapers, laundry, etc...) and he refuses to pitch in. He then gets mad when the car isn't spotless. And, I really do mean he wants everything SPOTLESS. I do all of our finances (and he refuses to help). I feel like I DO ABSOLUTELY everything and still get yelled at daily, because it's not good enough, or not done in a timely manner (laundry may sit for a couple days before being folded and put away, or dishes may be left in sink over-night).

I'm beginning to feel like I don't know why I ever wanted him to come back, and I'm more confused then ever! I know I made vows to him and to God...but, I'm also seeing why I asked him to leave in the first place.

To top it off, he tells me that he's struck up a friendship with a girl from work. He says it's nice to have female companionship with someone that respects him, and expects nothing from him. I asked him if they went out, and he says they went to Denny's, but so far nothing's happened.

So, would any of my changes (which I AM working on - certainly NOT perfected) change my h? I mean, is there a point when reconciling that BOTH parties admit to their contribution to the problems?

I'm so confused and don't know what I want.
I counseled an older couple yesterday (nutrition counseling) and they we're so cute, married 50+ years, so in love, and I thought "that's what I want!" And I'm beginning to think THAT'S what I want, not the marriage I have (or had), but the FANTASY marriage, that I clearly won't get from h. Beleive me, I couldn't ever get that from h. He's a cynical, crude, crusty cop with anger issues and a touch of OCD.

Just really needing to vent...

OK. More.
H just called me at work to talk about our son's ENT appt today. Then, after all that talk, he tells me that he thinks he's been coming over too much, and that I haven't been changing!

So, I gave it to him straight. I told him that I can't be the only one making changes with him standing over my shoulders asking "Have you changed? Have you changed?" I told him that he too needs to be working on making changes in himself and taking some responsibility. I told him that I too have my "conditions" for him, and I CAN'T fix this marriage ALONE. I told him he needs to agree to counseling, AND anger management. He's done NOTHING but pester me about making changes and agreeing to HIS conditions! He says he's not going to do anything unless I've agreed to his NON-NEGOTIABLE conditions.

As much as it pains me, I can't live like this. Last night showed me that I'm never going to be able to live up to his expectations (I've been trying so hard to keep the house clean, I neglected the car). Not only do I not live up to his expectations, but I'm criticized, name-called, and humiliated for it daily. I can't live like this. Life's too short. My kids can't see that this is OK.

Adding to this an OW, who he admits is giving him what I haven't, and justifies it that way...I'm beyond hurt.

I don't deserve this.

Lady B -

This may be tough to hear, but I would cut this guy loose. Moving to TN, complaining about the house and car not being clean .. who needs it?

You sound like a really nice girl who deserves much better.

Lady B -

This may be tough to hear, but I would cut this guy loose. Moving to TN, complaining about the house and car not being clean .. who needs it?

You sound like a really nice girl who deserves much better.

Here's something for you to consider, too, about TN. If you moved there and then ended up getting divorced, what are the divorce laws there like? You might end up getting substantially less than you would in a community property state like CA. I don't know that for a fact, maybe TN would be better, but many states are worse.

Have you considered hiring a housekeeper? Having someone come clean once a week can go a long way towards calming an OCD clean-freak (voice of experience here).

Still, your H sounds beyond OCD and well into abusive.

BTW - is he having any disciplinary problems at work? Is the move to TN business being triggered by some impending failure at work?

Ellie

om, he is rabid. non negotiable conditions?

About the ow, it is low and pathetic of your H to actually tell you about that woman, he might be just pushing your buttons. Even if it is true, that just shows how crazy he is, of course she is going to expect nothing! she isn't themother of his kids who works full time in and out of the house!
About the cleaning, WTH? how can he expect you to do all that stuff and not pitch in? he is nuts, this guy is toxic big time. Perhaps go dark on him, he needs a reality check. You shouldn't have to put up with so much abuse, specially if you are separated.

I pray that you love yourself enough not to let this man into your life before he admits he needs to work on himself.

I agree with kml, don't make any huge decisions right now, he isn' t in shape to make that decision either. Buy your time and make sure things between you two are in order before you pack a box.

Well, last night I tried talking to him about the changes I'd like to see as well. He got really angry. Said he won't go to mc with me or go to church with me, until he sees changes on my end. I told him that isn't how things work. We BOTH change, go to mc TOGETHER, or it just can't work at all.

He told me he's filing for divorce, and walked out of the house.

I think going dark is a good idea. (well, I don't know what the plans are for Thanksgiving now). My plan when I asked him to leave, was that he'd see the work that needs to be done in himself. I was thrown for a loop when he turned it all on me, and gave ME conditions for returning. I know I have things to change. I know my faults, and continue to work on myself, but I can't do it alone.

kml, I did think about what would happen if he divorced in TN. I don't know the laws there, but I know that likely I'd be STUCK. I doubt I'd be able to move out of state with the kids. So, I'd be a single mom 1500miles away from all of my family and friends.

I don't know if he'll really file. He probably will being that he's a shoot-from-the-hip full of anger kinda person. We'll see.
I might just be better off. I won't be walking on eggshells everyday waiting for him to erupt because of a toothpaste smudge on the bathroom counter, or a goldfish cracker on the floor of the car.

I think that's a reasonable standpoint from you.

If you want to take extra steps, to be the better person, and reach out to him more than you "have to", "reasonably speaking".... then I have some suggestions for you.




You might tell him, that if he wants a "traditional marriage", then he can have it. A traditional marriage, means that THE WIFE DOESNT HAVE TO WORK!

Until you dont have to work, he has no right to demand all this extra from you.

PS: as far as the car goes: around where I live, there are places that will wash and clean your car fairly thoroughly, for $5-10. plus you can get lunch there.

So, why not have lunch at one of those places one day, and spend the extra money to have it cleaned?

PS: as far as divorce goes, you usually have to divorce in the place of your primary residence, i think.



Ugh. He seriously does have anger management problems.

Hey again.

I am sorry for this turn of events. Sometimes this type of emotional abuse creeps in so steadily and slowly that it is hard to see. My former pastor explained it like the frog in the pot analogy. If you put a frog in a pot of hot water it will leap out at first touch but if you put a frog into a pot of lukewarm water and then turn up the heat slowly. The frog will --well you know what. Croak.

I also did not see the abuse until after DBing. It was similar story to yours. Depression. Denial. MLC? Stress at work. Home not spotless. My attention was focused also on a kindergartner and a toddler. I also did not meet the ideals of my MIL in H's eyes. Oh yeah, and the weak devoted OW who was much younger and sluttier will always seem more understanding as the spouse is just not understanding. So cliche.

As bad as my H was, well yours sounds like those men Dr. Phil yells at for being too mean and controlling in general. I agree his comments in writing make him also sound bigoted, sexist, and homophobic. Perhaps he thinks leaving CA will make it easier for him to be an abusive racist misogynist. "Do what I say?" Wow.

I applaud you for trying to save your marriage. You chose to marry this man and have children with him so maybe you agree with his views on multiculturalism and homosexuality, education , family, etc. If you are willing to change you may want to check out the CDs by Dr. Ellen on marriage. She speaks about negotiating with husbands. It is a very delicate task as we barely speak the same language. Can you tell by Dom's advice how differently they think and speak?

I apoligize if I do not agree with your H as we are practically neighbors and I understand not everyone appreciates these wonderful aspects of CA. So I do not mean to offend. But I am a product of multiculturalism as are my children who are also mixed race and you will never meet more beautiful kids, I mean so cute! Also my god daughter is gay so I love her enormously and when she was 4, she actually wore a tux to our wedding! So yeah, some people are just born that way and deserve love and respect in their lives. Soap box over.

Take care. We both deserve better. So keep DBing!

Yeah, once y'all (word proves I'm from TN!) move to TN and become residents, you would have a hard time moving the kids back to Cali. TN is a no-fault state too. A D would mean 50/50 division of assets and child support based on custody.

Aside from the nuances of divorce law, STAY PUT... Unless some gross detail of you sitch is missing from your account, it sounds like your H is a real piece of work. Moving will not take care of the problems. Address them right where you are at.

Steve