Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

Interesting. Abandonment fears, maybe?

Sounds like some part of her is nagging at her about totally losing you.

She does sound slightly more open toward you lately. And she shared this with you. Sounds like the work on listening/validating is helping!

This exact behavior is a very common in many of the threads here.

It's like some sort of sick competition. They don't want us to get happy before them or something. It's probably a self esteem issue somehow too.

Dave, I almost forgot to ask. How's you're sleeping, easting, and working out going? What are you doing for GAL?

Yeah it is very sick. Plus if I find someone before she does then obviously I gave up on us. It's a no win situation for us LBS. Grrrr.....

Hey thanks for asking tflh. Actually I'm doing much much better. Sleeping is getting much better. Mostly I can make it to 6am now. No problems eating either, hungry a lot. :P So that's definitely good. Working out...well... I went last night and I got super light headed and dizzy again after doing weights. I know I ate supper before I went so I had plenty of food and water. I've noticed my blood pressure has been quite low the last couple times I was at the doctor's (something like 110/60 or such). Not sure if that has anything to do with it. I never had this problem before the last bomb.... Ideas? As far as GAL, I'm still doing archery and that has been good. Other than that I'm working on it. Making new friends has been difficult....

It's kinda funny. I saw a meetup for playing Euchre. I'm like hey I used to play that in college, maybe that'll be fun. Then I realize apparently I'll be the only person that's not a senior there. Heh.... Just at an odd place in life. Not really caring for going to clubs, bars and partying like the singles do.... Especially I can't drink.....

Oh something positive I forgot to mention for me. Last night talking to W on the phone. She put me on speaker phone, said she doesn't want to hold the phone to her ear. I bet she's IMing someone and needs to type, whatever. So I mentioned how she never used the headset converter I got for her new phone before I moved out. I guess it just bothered me because I got it so she can use the headset she used to like and used and she has never touched it. Not even a thank you. Not sure what her problem is. Anyhow I guess my tone of voice must've went up a little and apparently triggered her. So she got all mad and started being sarcastic, moking me and etc etc. Being very mean. All the bits she does when she gets mad. Out of control. I manage to apologize for triggering her and stopped the crazy cycle after a little bit and didn't panic despite her being out of control with her anger. So it didn't escalate as it used to. A positive step for me even though she said she would work on checking her anger and not seeming to making an effort in doing that. She said she feels like I'm talking down to her and making her feel like an idiot. Whatever.... I just wanted to know why she doesn't use the headset anymore..... Maybe I was just irritated that she can't even tell me why.

I'm so glad you're sleeping again. Robert Heinlein once said something like "happiness consists of getting enough sleep." I believe him.

I don't know about the light headedness / low blood pressure if diet is good. Mine went up at the beginning of all this and hasn't gone down since. I'll need meds for that soon I suppose.

I only get light headed when I push the cardio too hard. Which is to say not very often lately.

I'd make an appt. with a doctor about that though. Record your diet/exercise for about 1-2 weeks before you go in to see them too.




Ummm....check the box.

let me guess,

You talk down to me.

You make me feel like I am stupid.

You try to control me.

You don't ask me what I think when you are making decisions.

You never let me have any control of my life.

You.......me...... Fill in the blanks.

There are a lot of men who do these awful things to their wives. I abhor that. I see it regularly in my work.

I know these behaviors, and I know that I don't do it to my STBXW. Yet I still hear the phrases listed above.

Evaluate your behavior. Do you do these things? Or is it that she feels out of control of her life and needs someone to blame? Only the two of you can decide which it is, and she isn't making the best decisions right now.

If you do, (which I doubt since you're here,) please get help for control issues.

If you don't, ignore the alien speaking at you and deal with the larger issues at hand. GAL, your 180, how to let her see these things without rubbing her nose in them.

Man, this sux, I know. I'd rather be accused of darn near anything than being controlling/mentally abusive.

They need to justify their decisions. Let's not play into their hands and give them reasons to believe that what they are doing is right.

Show her who you really are.

Really it's the alien speaking. Pretty much anything I do triggers her. She knows it too. The problem is she doesn't make an effort in controlling her triggers or anger. Actually we had a talk tonight just about that. Somehow she thinks that when she doesn't react anymore, it means she could care less what I think. I told her no it just means you are making a conscious effort in not escalating the vicious cycle we continue to go through.

I've actually only heard to first two lines. She has never complained about me being controlling or not consult her about decisions. I can admit that it is very possible sometimes she misunderstands me due to the way I talk or my tone of voice when I get agitated or emotional. I can see that from the way my dad talks/acts. Of course it's never my intention to be like that and I'm trying to not come across that way. Listening to her all I hear is "when you do this" "when you do that" "when you act this way". A lot of you you you. I said to her, if you are going to always look at me and depend on me to not behave or act a certain way then we'll never get anywhere. We both need to make a major effort in stop the triggers. We cannot depend on the other person to behave certain in order for us to act a certain way. At least she agrees. That doesn't mean she'll follow through with it though....

Wow, great conversation, that sounds constructive. I'm glad you only get the first two. That's plenty.

The fact that you could have a conversation like that seems like a good sign. Working on getting along is like secretly working on the R.

The conversation went a lot more last night. I'm still trying to sort everything out. It's one of those conversation you come out of and thinking what the heck just happened and completely not sure where the other person is. And I think I talked quite a bit. I guess it's a miracle that she listened and didn't blow up at any point. Definitely had the not interested body language in the beginning but that went away as we went on. I just felt like I'm really trying to work on getting alone and she seems not really care at times even though a little while back she said she was going to reign in her anger for the kids if nothing else.

There were definitely some alien speak. It went from lets work on being good friends a while back to I never said anything like that and I never said we should be good friends, I just want to be friendly with you because of the kids. Also the there's no reason we should have to do anything together outside of the kids and etc etc etc. I so hate it when they go back on things they say and pretend they never said them.

I finally got the "I'm not going to let you hurt me like that ever again". So now it's more clearer to me why she refuses to let her resentment go. I think she's scared to death of letting her security blanket (resentment) go. I think my continous showing love through service, her PLL, is getting to her a bit perhaps?

So I told her that I love her unconditionally. I don't expect anything from her. I will do what I feel is right to me. She can either accept that love or reject it, it won't stop me. I think that got to her a bit and she started crying. She's upset due to the fact that she feels it's not fair that I started being this way now when she wishes I was that way a long time ago. Well, I guess people grow up and the timing just wasn't right for me back then. I gave her a hug. She said she wants to just push me away and scream at me. She didn't even though I told her it's okay to just let it out.

So I'm really not sure where she is right now. Hopefully everything I said made her think a little bit. I also hope that Retro this weekend will open her up more. I'll just keep doing what I've been doing despite the alien. :P