Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

That sounds like it was good for both of you Dave. I'm glad it went well.

Just a thought about the babysitter, have you tried some local churches? They're a great resource, and that's how we found our first one when we moved here.

I'd love to ask my STBXW to go, but I have no idea how to bring it up to her. She refused to continue MC, and I think she would see it as an attempt to reconcile. Which it would be of course.

Get some rest, you deserve it.

tfh, my W is very protective of the kids so sitters can be difficult to find. We used to have one that's the D of a co-worker of mine that she was very happy with. Unfortunately she's in college now and is extremely busy. I'll just have to let her find one. But yeah, at the end she said she's glad that she went and we both already feel a lot closer than before. Feels like the first step to a long hard journey but let's just say at least I can smell the cheese. :P

As far as approaching your W. Do you guys have kids? My W agreed to go for the kids. She wants to improve communication between us so we stop the bad fights since no matter what we are bound forever because of the kids. But I feel the weekend gave her some hope and she's no longer feeling we won't ever get back together and it's a dead end. The door is ajar so to speak. Really there is absolutely nothing to lose for her to go. It's not sessions and sessions of MC. It's just a weekend. It's not like she's going to be brain washed.... Sometimes it does make people realize that things aren't hopeless. And it is very private. You only discuss and share things in the privacy of your own hotel room. No one will ask anything about you. Everything is between you and your W. Basically you have these couples present their experience and how they used the dialogue method to understand each other's feelings. And then you answer questions by writing letters to each other and then attempt to understand what was written. There is no judging, only understanding.

So I was putting S4 to bed last night. He said, "Do you guys have your problems worked out now? Are you going to stay?" Just makes me even more annoyed when W said sometimes during this weekend that it's the best time for the kids for us to break up now since they are young and that they see them doing ok right now so she doesn't believe it's a problem. I really wanted to smack her with a 2x4 and say "There IS no best time for the kids!" Even a 4 year old understands a lot more than she thinks he does and he wants me home! Just gonna chalk it up to more alien talk from W. Grrrrr.....

I hear the same thing how in their mind to they think its ok for the kids. I guess they have to tell themselves this or they will be torn up with guilt. After you hit your W with the 2x4 can I borrow it to wack my W upside the head.

It is sad to see with the kids.

What an awful thing to have to hear. I know that really stinks.

Better pass that 2x4 down here next.

My STBXW is going to the 4 hr required parenting class tommorrow night. I can't understand how that doesn't get through to them.

I always feel that just as we needed a 2x4 to realize we screwed up in our M, a lot of these WAS really need 2x4 as well to realize that they aren't thinking right at times.

tfh, I feel sad for your kids as well as mine. But on the positive side, you can use that as leverage to get your W to go to Retro. Tell her that no matter what you guys are bound forever by your kids. Communication must improve between the two of you whether you are together or separate for the sake of the kids. You will always have to deal with issues concerning the kids. Being able to resolve issues effectively and resort to hostility is utmost important for the kids. Retro is not there to fix problems in your marriage, or trying to get you guys recounciled, or marriage therapy. It really is a weekend to teach you tools on how to listen and understand the other person. This lessens resentment and frustration. Of course the side effect of being able to understand and accept the other person's feelings is that it brings you closer and connect. But you don't have to tell her that. :P Just tell her that for the kids she really should think about doing this with you and that you have no expectations of her feeling any which way. You do not expect her to change her mind and want to get back together with you. You just want to get alone better and communicate better. I still remember on the way there Friday the W was totally angry and saying things like I "made" her go, she's only going for the kids, she is not there to work on the marriage and etc etc. To go from that to her saying she's really glad we went is a minor miracle I'd say.

Dave,

Glad to see Retrouvaille was helpful to you. I agree with you, it is good for any relationship. Too bad we don't learn to listen to each other and care about the other person's feelings when we get married instead of years later when we feel like failures. But as you see, it's never too late to improve things. I hope you will be able to get to the Post sessions. They are very worthwhile. And they go beyond simply dialoguing. Near the end of the sessions they teach the conflict resolution technique. Dialogue is good for understanding, but when you hit a true area of disagreement, it's not enough. You need the conflict resolution technique too.

Sara, I do really hope the W decides to attend post session. I guess we'll miss the first one since it's tomorrow and we don't have a sitter lined up. Is it possible to get material for that session anyways? It was a bit surprising to hear W saying that she would like to do that. I do hope that she does not change her mind now she's out of the "environment". I won't push her. I'll probe her a bit later this week. But I agree, the conflict resolution is something that would be very valuable.

Dave,

I am so happy that you and your W were able to goto Retro, there is one coming up in January here and I am hoping that I can find something that will prompt my WAW to go. For all the reasons that you have already stated but also for our sanity. This R is going down a very slippery slope and we need something to slow the pace and hopefully reconnect.

I will be praying for you and your W.

Hound

Hey thanks houndfan! Retro is really worth it! I really hope you and your W will be able to attend! No matter how done your W thinks she is, I really believe she'll think differently once she experiences the weekend. There was a couple there that are divorced and they are coming back together. There was also a couple that was fighting until Saturday, the W looks like she's gonna strangle the H and was snapping at him on everything, and from a casual observer you definitely think they have no chance, but on Sunday at the end her attitude completely changed. There was also a couple where the H declared to the world that he has made the choice to love his W again. It was just absolutely amazing. Just seeing these couples coming together is awe inspiring and has an effect on the WAS. Definitely God's hand at work.

Going in I didn't have much expectations. I just hoped that the W would be able to let go some of her anger... And true, the W didn't come out wanting to start rebuilding the marriage. But She isn't saying we are done, over, move on etc anymore. I feel she has taken the attitude that we'll start working on the communication part and see how that goes. She still needs a lot of work on letting go of her anger and forgive me, but she's at least trying now and understands why she's holding onto that anger and refusing to forgive. I also feel that she's going to take the wait and see approach and I don't believe she is so eager to go out and find someone else any longer. It may be a long process for her to slowly come around and it will be a lot of hard work and patience, but I really feel we are going in a positive direction.

W also knows that we both have a lot of work we need to do individually before we can come together and truly make this M work. W's brother is also having M problems. He practically moved out and was ready for a D. They have 3 boys. Now all of sudden I guess they decided to get back together. His W has some major issues that makes her very erratic. MIL describes BIL's W as loony. :P Well, things was good for them for a week or two and things start to get bad again. Neither of them addressed the issues in the M.... Both the W and I know that we need to fix ourselves, and then fix what went wrong for our M to work. We both need A LOT of patience and take things slowly. Personally I do not want to rush anything and I want to do it right. We both will need and are trying to have a lot of patience and see how things proceed.

On a side note, W is very happy and impressed that I've been working on myself and trying to improve me. I told her I'm reading a book on communication and relationship with people in general and trying to improve how I interact with just anyone I come into contact with. I've always been kind of an introvert... Just trying to open myself up a bit. Hopefully she'll continue to see the good changes I'm making. But I'm doing all of this for me as I want to grow as a person.