Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Why can't I do this....

Dom,

thanks for your feedback. However, things took a very bad turn last night and I think that we may really be set back a lot. I got the same flu that she had over hte weekend and was down for the count. Puking etc saturday night and most of sunday am.

In the am sunday she started to get on me about not helping her with breakfast etc. Started to feel like the old R. I tried to explain to her that I was really sick and that I should not be near the food etc. Fell on deaf ears.

I finally tried to go do some chores that have been neglected during which I was again puking. So rather than deal with the nagging, I decided to go back where I have been staying.

Well my phone was ringing so much I finally took her call. She was screaming at me that I had not done 2 things that she had asked me to do the day before I got sick. She was so angry the call turned back to you are not allowed here any more, you are not to have the kids without my approval. The same controlling crap that we have fought for years.

Well, I went back to the house to try to finish the chores and she immediately asked me to leave, but I didn't and it turned into a huge fight with her hitting me and really being violent. What wasn't working? I should have just left or not come over all all UGH!

Well, we are back to where we were weeks ago with the bitterness and shortness in her tone with me. Blaming me for everything again. At least that had begun to subside somewhat last week. I am trying to 180 the best that I can, doing things that I would normally never do, and it seems to be too little too late.

She told me today about Thanksgiving that she wants to have mom and dad show up with lots of brothers and sisters and have a great big meal. well we can't have that because we both come from difficult pasts. But I said to her, "if that is what you want, let's do something to make it happen". To which she said she wants to have a great day but not with me.

UGH... and so it continues, I am trying so hard to detach and move on with some happiness for me and she continues to call and pull me into her drama. (and she says that I am full of drama) now the internet is not working and this is my fault because the dog dug up a line in the backyard (which is not internet related btw) well had I taken care of the line in teh yard or given the dog away like I was suppose to this would never had happened and now she can not run her business.

I offered the computer at the place that I am staying and she turned me down flat. I think I am fighting a really horrible losing battle here, can't do anything even close to right.

you're right. that was a major setback.

The major setback, was that you bailed on your marriage and your wife, by "going back where I have been staying."
You ran away from your responsibility.

I think that your wife wants you to treat her better.
Running away, isnt treating her better, is it?


So rather than deal with the nagging,

I think you mean, "so rather than facing up to her anger that you let her down"...



Well my phone was ringing so much I finally took her call. She was screaming at me that I had not done 2 things that she had asked me to do the day before I got sick. [...] The same controlling crap that we have fought for years.

I think you mean, "the same disappointment she has faced for years, in you letting her down".


What wasn't working? I should have just left or not come over all al UGH!

what wasnt working, was that you shouldnt have left in the first place.
Since you made that mistake, you should be a man, and face up to her anger in being let down by you.

if you actually want to heal your marriage... you should be glad for her anger.
It's worse, when she just doesnt care any more, because she has given up on you.


well had I taken care of the line in teh yard or given the dog away like I was suppose to this would never had happened and now she can not run her business.

What the dog did, may or may not have been related to the internet working.
But it does sound like the dog is another example of how you failed to do "something you were supposed to do".

She may have made a technical mistake on why her computer isnt working. But sounds like she has a right to be angry at you for letting her down again.


I offered the computer at the place that I am staying and she turned me down flat.

You tried to be helpful, but it was in a way, an insult. She wants you to fix YOUR HOME. Not give up on it. She probably saw your offer as giving up on fixing your home.

yeah, I know, what you did was "practical". but it's not comforting to her, if she actually cares about you fixing up your home for her. sounds like she still cares.

you have hope. she still cares, even though she's really angry.

Your biggest obstacle sounds like you, not her.
You gotta get out of "run away" mode, and start a whole new life,of, "stick it out, admit when you screw up, and try to make it right when you do".

That sounds like the best "180" that you could do in your marriage, to me.

Thanks DOM,

I guess I am confused as to whether I should take the LRT or 180. I think that I need to continue to show that I can be the man who she wants who cares more aout his family than anything else. Maybe my selfishness continues to pour through.

Right now you need to give your wife MAJOR space. Let the anger diffuse and then you may be able to take baby steps forward.

When she asks you to leave ... do not argue, just get out and go dark!


My wife and I were at this point, I gave her space, she chilled out. We are heading on vacation tomorrow.

This is really hard. Patience is your friend is this game. Tough for Alpha Males to understand this. Takes a long, long time.

You'll be ok

i completely disagree.

I do agree on "give her space when she needs it".

that is not the same as "leave the house"

houndfan, your biggest challege, is to SHOW HER you can be different.

You cant "show her" ANYTHING, if she cant SEE you.
going dark/moving out, does not make sense for you.

LRT is when the spouse is mistreating you, or cheating on you, and you cant deal with it any more.

But the primary problem here, is YOU, not your spouse.
LRT is not right for you.

Wow,

Well I need to digest both thoughts. I am so torn because she is so adamant that this is over between us. Today I went by to fix a couple of things that I missed over the weekend when I was sick and got in some trouble because I went out last night with some friends. Plus, she was mad that I was not able to get everything done today that I had committed to.

Dom, how would you suggest that I move forward, should I spend time evryday over there, if I am welcome doing what I can to demonstrate my change? Should I give her space as she is asking? She wants me to give her space, but I don't know how to do that if she is wanting me to be there to keep up my end of the bargan.

The important thing that I want to show is that I am working so hard on my own issues with trust and honesty and that I want to become a great man for my family, and myself.

I am so confused as to what to do here.

However, today is a great day for me, men's group went great and I am beginning to see that if this does not work out that I really am going to be ok. I am starting to set some personal goals for myself for the nexxt few months and that is something new.

Plus we are going to MC next week. Well, I think that it is MC and she wants it to be DC. Either way, I am hoping that having a 3rd party in the mix may help with some of the issues.

This sitch is so strange, she is trying so hard to be independent and is continuing to press that this is over, yet there are little things that she wants to hold me accountable for, it is a mess.

For example, going to watch the game last night was met with "I tried to call you, and waited up for you you never called me back." Then today I mentioned that I wanted to make sure that I got a tree for the boys and she was upset about that as well.

I am not sure how to speak without causing more damage here. If I agree, I am told that I am just doing so because I am in the dog house. If I speak my mind I am a POS. If I do what I want to do and work like crazy on new behavior it is because I am in the dog house. If I miss something or mess up on something then I am a POS.

Do you think that this MC could be a mistake? Could we be so far gone that there is no help with them? I asked if the MC was pro-marriage and she said that she was, I explained that I was DB'ing and she said that was a good start but like with everything else, I understand that I can not change her just me and my perception of the sitch. My hope is that through MC she will see how one-sided everything has become and that we may be able to have some different type of communication. But, I think that it may end up like the visit she went to with my IC where I was villified.

It seems through looking at other posts that MC is a slippery slope if not handled well. I am just trying to make enough progress that she will agree to Retro in January and am afraid that further setbacks could really be the death nail.

Sorry for the rant. Just wanted to offer some questions in hopes that you will have some advice. Also, for anyone reading this I am really amazed at the help that Men's Fraternity has been in my GAL process as well as some additional help to compliment my IC and DB'ing. Look into it if you are interested.

Dom, how would you suggest that I move forward, should I spend time evryday over there, if I am welcome doing what I can to demonstrate my change?

I think that you need to be living in your family home, with your wife.


I am not sure how to speak without causing more damage here. If I agree, I am told that I am just doing so because I am in the dog house. If I speak my mind I am a POS. If I do what I want to do and work like crazy on new behavior it is because I am in the dog house. If I miss something or mess up on something then I am a POS.

To be honest, your wife isnt "playing fair". She is treating you badly.
However, by your own statements, you have "treated DW like crap for years". So.... i reckon it's your turn to just deal with it. Take it like a man, and shut up
Basically, I think it's a chance for her to work off some of her anger and resentment of you.

If you treat her well, CONSISTENTLY... then eventually, she'll run out of anger, and you'll hopefully be able to have a saner relationship with her.

sounds like it's gonna take a long time, though.

So, when she says you're only agreeing/whatever because you're "in the dog house"... just tell her "time will tell" or something. ie: "wait and see ".

An important thing to keep in mind, though, is to really make it so that your behaviour isnt "just because you're in the doghouse".
Behave like you think you should, for the next 10 years.
Not like you should for the next 5 months.
Otherwise... she'd be right about what she's saying.

Do you think that this MC could be a mistake?

who knows.... i think it depends both on MC, and on your wife's frame of mind at the moment.
Why did you say she wants it to be "divorce counselling"? is that just paranoia on your part, or has she said something specific like that?



well, one way to figure this out would be.... to ASK HER!

otherwise... there are always things you can do.
Set up a "den" for yourself in the garage, or get used to being in the garden most of the time.
Something like that.

Be available when she wants to be, and keep out of her way, when she doesnt want you. Simple as that, I reckon.

Well, you have some wonderful advice here....

who knows.... i think it depends both on MC, and on your wife's frame of mind at the moment.
Why did you say she wants it to be "divorce counselling"? is that just paranoia on your part, or has she said something specific like that?

Yes, she has said that she is not willing to work on the M at all, she is done. She wants to pursue things with OM, although there is no logistical way that is going to work. Anyhow, she has told me that she wants to see someone to stop the madness and help us figure out the next step in our D.

I know and understand that she is not playing fair, and I am willing to accept that however, I will need to vent from time to time as it is painful. For example, she wants the financial benefits of this marriage without the work. She wants my insurance, my paycheck, and my relocation to our home state but she will do nothing for it other than to tell me that I deserive the bed I have made at this point. She has been sure to tell me more than once that for all that I have done to her over hte years that I deserve this spot in life.

Maybe I do, but the reality is that I am making the best of the sitch but it is difficult because I am not too sure how I am suppose to respond to any sitch. I would like to be very positive and outgoing, but hard to do so when you are being hit with a vacuum!

I know this is crazy and most people would have given up on this M, but I really believe that we can work this out and that we can be better for it. I just need something to change the balance right now in her heart. She is so one sided about all of this, but there are times when I can see the glipse that she wants something other than what we have and where we were. I saw it last week when I slept over and took care of her. Shoot I even saw it this morning when she got mad that I had received a call from another person.

I have asked her how I am suppose to manage this space thing and I get such guarded responses. For example, this morning she told me that I need to just give her space when she asks for it. If she tells me to leave I should leave. Well, dummy hound you know that but are too stupid to do so before it gets out of hand. Then there are times where she does not want me around at all. I think that if I can continue this GAL stuff and really work on not talking about R/D during my visits that they will be more frequent.

I need to balance 180/LRT etc. You know stop pursuing is hard because there are so many moments of normalcy so many times when she uses pet names for me or talks about our future without the D i.e. when she talks about building a playhouse for the boys at our new house. But then the next moment it is do you think that I can afford x for a house when we move.

I have gotten away from saying that all we have to do is make one choice everyday to make our llives better to telling myself that I need to do one thing everyday to make her life easier. I really belive that I can do that, just one thing a day will be better than what I had done for years....

This sucks!

no, you need to toss LRT right out the window. at least for rightnow. There is no "balancing" the last resort technique.
It is "a Last Resort". It is when you are doing NOTHING ELSE, and you're done trying anything else.





Yes, this happens with everyone. it's called the rollercoaster ride.
It goes up and down a lot.
Just hang on and stay still when it is plunging down, and dont do anything crazy like jumping out of the cart.

Be the best you that you can be. Quit running away from your responsabilities. Let her figure out for herself, whether you are different or not.

Your job, is to FIND the "best you that you can be" within yourself, and become that guy for good.

Thanks again Dom.

Not going to continue to volley this around. I will do what I can to be there for my W and kids. I guess I see your point about LRT/180. I really just need to be happy with the person that I am becomming and see what happens from there. I guess I will update as I have more to tell....