Jak, Matilda, and Treading, I'll check for Treading's book recommendation. We do have a history of conflict avoidance as a couple. I'm avoidant, and my W is passive-aggressive.
My W wrote me a letter overnight on Sunday, thanking me for the work I've been doing with the household maintenance and the cooking assistance.
We had a surprise visitor from the dance community late Sunday afternoon. My W was beaming showing him the positive changes that we've made to the home. She said that she could see the surprise in his eyes. Things have been positive between us since that visit.
We've been exchanging emails regarding the difficulty she's been having in the dance community. She's been having a difficult time handling the inevitable rejection of being turned-down for dances, and not being asked to dance by certain guys.
She's been struggling with an erratic sleep pattern and fatigue, and is afraid to take naps for fear that she won't wake-up in time. She also wants to feel more confident about her body on the dance floor, and realizes that she will have to be intentional about staying in shape. She is eating healthier which has resulted in healthy weight gain.
I've started reading "The Coward's Guide to Conflict," by Timothy Ursiny.
Happy Thanksgiving.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, Matilda, and Treading, My self-help book on dealing with conflict wants me to track how I typically respond to conflict. Last night my W and I went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. She again made a comment to a waiter that she couldn't believe that I had some Hispanic heritage, and couldn't speak Spanish. I decided to ask her why she feels the need to make this comment.
She got upset and insisted I that begin to converse in Spanish during the meal, to prove to her otherwise. I don't have the skill level to converse in Spanish at this time, other than some simple phrases. I felt trapped. I told her that I didn't think I could do this, but she persisted. She said that it would be nice if we learned Spanish together.
I kept silent about the issue the rest of the meal, hoping it would go away, but it didn't. She persisted. I would say that I avoided the conflict. I froze. My perception is that when she gets like this, there is nothing I can do.
When we got home, she blamed me for ruining her meal. I made the decision to not process the episode, and certainly wasn't going to apologize. I slept in the guest room. I could hear her cussing at me in the other room.
I don't think there is anything to gain by discussing the event today, because she'll put the focus on me, and I'm not going to apologize for the dinner. I will try to start with a new day, and chalk it up to two tired people, where the dinner didn't go well.
I'm hoping this book will be helpful. I feel like it's the right skill to be working on at this time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
IMOP i think you should have told her that your sorry she felt the way she did about the dinner but, you were not going to speak in a language that did not make you feel comfortable,and that you thought it rude that she try to make you. You do what you need to though as it is your R and we are not there to know. And you are so much more patient I feel.
Have a good Holiday.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, I could have tried to speak some Spanish, like she said. I wasn't able to get in the spirit of things with the way she was acting. Maybe I was being rebellious and passive-aggressive, because I thought she was being controlling. Was I misinterpreting her motive?
I should have said something, about not wanting to participate. I have this belief that it's not going to make any difference, when she's being disrespectful. Maybe I need to take another look at that. Maybe it's about respecting myself.
In addition to tracking my responses to conflict, I'm supposed to think about why I chose the response I did. In retrospect, it's because I avoid her anger. There also may be a fear of abandonment. I don't trust that she is willing to hang in there with me when things get tough. I don't want to push her away or provoke more anger. I see dealing with her as futile. I view angry people as being out of control, and irrational. Again, I may need to take another look at this. My failure to deal with conflict may be slowing down the Piecing process. Maybe I need to look at anger as something healthy versus irrational, or overly emotional.
The author says that there can be no intimacy in a relationship if the partners are avoiding conflict. I'm going to need to change some patterns. It's going to take practice.
This book is being helpful already.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W wrote me a letter overnight on Sunday, thanking me for the work I've been doing with the household maintenance and the cooking assistance.
I reread this and it made me think your wife has trouble praising you in person. (Still trying to figure out the speaking in Spanish part. Why was that so important to her?). She is doing opposite of good business practice: praise in public; criticize in private. Would an etiquette book fit into her Christmas stocking?
Meanwhile, enjoy Thanksgiving! I bet you will have a feast after hearing about your wife's newly developed cooking adventures! Hope your day is turbulence free!!!!!
Over the years H's not discussing R rubbed off on me. Everything was always brushed under the rug never finished. Now when things need to be discussed it it so hard. You don't know how to bring issues up. You also do not want to create friction with S. But there are a couple of times that i did confront and actually got a positive response. H did listen to what i had to say and actually was scared that i would leave. There is still alot to be resolved but that will happen in time i hope.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
