thought I'd start a new thread as the old one has gotten rather full.
things are going rather well since my calling the lawyer...it all seems to be there...we seem to be a "normal" happily married couple all be it with issues.
what I am having a hard time with is trust.
maybe it is harder for me to trust because of the nature of h's work..
h is his own boss...has his own schedule...does his own thing..I honestly don't know where he is all day or what he is doing...
I try to trust that he is not doing anything wrong..but then the old mind wanders...
what if he's talking to ow.. what if he's seeing ow... what if he's drinking lunch with buddie... what if he's just going to the office to get away from me.. what if he's just being nice to me so that he can have his family and stay at home... what if he's just biding his time here and keeping ow in his life til the kids are grown and he can go be with her without causing them pain (as if)
what if I just stop these thoughts and trust... what if in doing that I set myself up to be really hurt...more so than when he left the first time...cause you see I wasn't happy with the r then but am becomming happy with it now...if it turns out to be a lie then this time I will truly be hurt.
what if I could make it all go away? would I want to?
I just don't know
I am happy and content and then I am afraid and angry as well...
most of the time my anger comes from a fear that there is more to the story than I will ever know...
I don't know where to go from here..
I don't know what I am supposed to do with these feelings..
will they go away??
will I ever be at peace with h??
what will it take for that to happen??
I wish h could tell me that he loves me with words...
I wish h could write me a letter...
I wish h could say something...
but for now I will find that peace in his arms...that was always where I felt safe anyway...starting to feel safe there again and appreciating the fact that my attempts at affection (even non-sexual) are not rejected as they were prior to all this mess.
I just want all this crap out of my head...
I want to enjoy the life I have...the h I have...the home we have...the family we have...
Quote: I just want all this crap out of my head...
I want to enjoy the life I have...the h I have...the home we have...the family we have...
I just want it to go away...
when will it go away???
That same echo is reverberating strongly in my ears these days.
So, we go from knowing we can't trust our Ses to knowing we must if we're going to move on. I wonder if there's a trigger to this trust event or whether it's just so gradual over time that we barely notice it? Problem is, there are several dynamics at work here and trust is only one of them. - Does my S want to be with me? - Does my S love me? - Will my S repeat this behavior in another X years?
It's almost as though several things need to come together before I make this leap of faith, and I'm not sure what those things are. If my W said tomorrow that she loved me, wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and would like to get M again to demonstrate this love...I'd still be wary...even though I'd love to hear it...
So what do you think it will take, LL? I'm lost too...
Quote: If my W said tomorrow that she loved me, wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and would like to get M again to demonstrate this love...I'd still be wary...even though I'd love to hear it
right there with ya on that one jethro..
Quote: So what do you think it will take, LL? I'm lost too...
unfortunately for me I feel it would take for h to despise ow..see her for the snake she is..not as a victim of his advance but an oprnly willing baiter who preyed on him. and that I know will never happen.
for h to take a more active role in the repair...in more than just the day to day bits but to actually be able to openly discuss feelings with me on some what of a more regular basis.
for h to confide in me some of his fears, thoughts, feelings etc.
for h to more regularly tell me about his day...the whats, where's and who withs...
for h to initiate more outings with me or as a family..
and as sick as it may sound..I think that if ow started calling me...I'd feel better about things...
I don't know if any of these things would actually make a difference or not...but I'd like to think they would...
some of them are there but the more important ones to me (ow) are not.
I know I am not supposed to make it be about ow...but for me it is the hardest part...I know the r had it's problems...it was much easier to attribute them to his business...and now he is changing that...but to know that there was this ow all along...really puts a thorn in my side and I hope it will go away some day but I don't know if it will.
we've all heard the stories of long long long term affairs..who knows???
Quote: So what do you think it will take, LL?
time... time... time, paitence...patience....paitence...
they say time heals all wounds...but most wounds will leave a scar. as time goes by the scar may be less and less visible sometimes to a point where we have to think to remember how we got it...I wonder what type of scar this wound will leave??
I just don't feel very possitive today and don't know why....perhaps nothing...perhaps h's cell phone call in the bathroom while he was getting dressed that I overheard ending with "alrighty then" and I believe "talk to you later" I just don't hear h as sayin alrighty then to buddie...it was more sweet...and when I asked what he'd be up to today...he said...I'll be in the office...no definition of...working on x,y or z....h was not at the office when I called earlier..and as far as I can tell isn't there yet...that is simply an assumption based on the fact that he has not logged on to the net to check the weather wich is something he typically does many times a day...and I haven't been bumped off once yet....so...the mind she wanders...where is h...what is h doing...
as mentioned on my prior thread...h had talked about dunkins crossaint sandwiches...so I bought some crossaints and made bacon egg and cheese crossaints for him this morning...he said thanks but it didn't get the reception I had hoped...ya'd think he'd appreciate the fact that I did it soley based on his mentioning of liking them and getting them often...gee maybe mine weren't as good as the nasty microwaved greesy crap the little cutie at dunkins must give him.
see how easily I get annoyed and let the mind wander...
as susspected h isn't at the office...oh I'm sure he'll call in a bit and say he was there just was outside or something but I wont believe him...not that he'll know that...and I did have a reason in calling...was trying to invite his parents for dinner but realized his mom (who's not answering the phone) mentioned something about going up to their vaca place..so was calling to ask him to mention it to his father if and when he talked to him so he can at least come eat.
both times that I've called h's cell phone (which I almost never do btw) he has not answered it but called back a few min later as the phone is ringing right now...
I am really annoyed and don't want to talk to him...
don't ever let your spouse know that you are feeling insecure...unless you can deal with their ambivialance about it...
I really am sooooo annoyed with this man I call my h.
he apparently has little to no understanding of my feelings...
why I bother to share them with him is beyond me...really beyond me...
every thing just needs to be peachy keen and happy go lucky for him...you cannot have a down day...you cannot have a day that you feel threatend or insecure or susspicious or anything like that...
h does not understand why I would feel this way???? is he that dumb???
hellllooooo h??? you had a long term r with another woman???? during the day while I thought you were working and you think I should not be susspisious....knowing that you still have feelings for this woman...that perhaps those feelings were stronger than the ones you had/have for me??? this woman lives in the area you work...this woman is a customer....and I shouldn't at all every worry???? you go out to lunch with buddie unknown to me and I shouldn't worry??? you tell me your doing office stuff and mind you only tell me after I ask what your plans are and yet the two times I try to contact you during the day (wich you'll note I dont call you anymore) you aren't there...so you had an appointment...but you didn't tell me...you don't answer your cell phone...
when I ask you to help me by telling me your plans for the day...especially if I ask (which I don't usually) could you be a tad more specific...if I am asking it is most likely out of insecurity and want to know...it troubles me to be told "office work" to then find you not at the office.
h responds with ambivilance...no appology...simply
I'll try to be more specific...I had an estimate... I'm working LL, that's what I do this time of year...some office work...an estimate or two during the day...etc...
got no where...got to a point where I just wanted validation for my feelings....and h couldn't/ wouldn't give it. instead he was patronizing listing every step so far of his day...I asked not to be patronized...it got no where...h is now in a mood as such that he can't get his office work done...gee h d'ya ever think that maybe I can't focus today because of how I feel and perhaps foolishly expecting you to help me with that....we might have not ended it this way...but now..you are mad...I am mad...and I've told you to not bother comming home cause I don't want to talk to someone who is as ambivilant as you.
ll, it must be so frusterating that he couldn't just understand where you were coming from. his thoughts were probably just so focused on work, that he couldn't shift into understanding mode and instead got annoyed and felt that he had to give you a play by play of his day. which isn't really what you wanted especially delivered with an attitude.
can you guys go out? it's really nice here, except a bit muddy. lisa
ll - I know how badly you want validation from your H, but this is NOT getting you closer to your goal. So why, you ask, do you do this? My theory - it feels "safer" to push him away than to risk letting yourself be vulnerable in the relationship.
I know, it feels stupid to willingly let yourself be vulnerable when your S has betrayed you - but I think it is a necessary step, to embrace the fact that life is uncertain, that your S cannot give you the strength and stability you need to find in yourself, and that none of our Ses want to be with us when we are needy and clingy, but when we are strong and self-confident.
If you were to become a woman with complete faith in her own worth, would your H be more likely to respond positively? And if he didn't, wouldn't you know it wasn't about you and feel strong about moving forward in your life? Oddly enough, my DBing journey really began the day I gave up on getting the support I wanted from my H and began taking better care of myself. Ellie
Quote: Oddly enough, my DBing journey really began the day I gave up on getting the support I wanted from my H and began taking better care of myself.
I have to keep reminding myself that these are my feelings and my issues..and though I do like to share my feelings and my issues with h...h can't help me with these ones...and I shoudn't expect him to. should I??
I wonder...why do men send flowers? why do men say, I'm sorry you feel that way?? why do people marry if not to be a support to eachoether in times of need...in times of despair...yes friendship, companionship, family, caring for the household and all that are important but should I face everything alone?? I know I can and have...but h could help me with these feelings...all he'd have to do is say...I'm sorry your feeling down today...we'll hang out tonight and cuddle on the couch...I'll be home soon. I love you LL and we'll get through this. but h wont say those things anymore.
h is not bad...h is not ignorant...h is not intentionally patronizing...it was his way of letting me know where he had been all day...but really I didn't need the itinerary what I needed or rather wanted were some words to let me know I needent be insecure.
I suppose I should appologize to h and admit once again that these feelings are mine and I need to deal with them myself not looking for him to do it for me.
ok so I called...h talked to kids...h asked to talk to me...I appologized for waking on the wrong side of the bed today...h said well luckily tommorow is another opportunity to wake on the right side.
anyway...conversation longer than that obviously...still not hearing all the words I want to but they would just be words wouldn't they...guess what I needed today was a hug but hugs don't come through the phone...h said well I will be home tonight and you will get a hug.
I just want these feelings to go away!!!
good days and bad days...I guess we all have'm key is to make the good out weigh the bad and lately they do...but a good thing is that h and I have been doing a lot of cuddling lately and when my head is on his shoulder the spinning seems to stop at least for a while.
LL who's gonna go put on the boots and head out into the muck of melting snow in the yard with the kiddos.
I think you are at the point of asking for what you want, but....
It sounds like you often do it from a place of need/fear/anxiety. Maybe it would be more productive to think about what you want during those times, and then bring it up when you are feeling safe and loved.
"I feel very safe and loved right now. It's wonderful and its because of you. But sometimes I feel insecure, this is my problem, but it will take awhile to resolve. In the meantime, I'd like to ask you how I can ask you for some reasurrance when I need it that won't feel threatening, blaming, or controlling to you--cause that's not what it's about."
Just an idea. My H panics, gets defensive, etc when I try to talk about my feelings when I am in the throws of them. It is much easier for him to hear me when I am calm and rational.
