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Very cool. I noticed when I went over & visited H, there were so many times that something was said or done or something just made times from the sitch flash through my head. I know this will probably happen less & less over time.

I don't think they realize how much and how differently the whole sitch affected us, the LBS. I think a lot of times, they just want to forget the whole thing and "get on w/ it."

I hope he can not just bring back good feelings/memories from the beginning of the relationship, but decide to just go w/ the flow and realize that you guys can just kind of start over & build a new & better relationship!!

Hello rhw,

Thanks for your feedback. I hope you are right about go w/flow. I was just thinking that my marriage anniversary does not mean the same. It feels like a new marriage. And it bothers me, this thing they just want to get over w/it. I wonder if that's where the awkwardness comes from.

Hurt,
I'm so glad your vacation went so well. It's wonderful that you felt the connection again.

Hello All,

Updating my sitch...
Piecing is going on and we had the weirdest conversation last night.
We were watching a TV Show and there was some exercises on self expression going on. Our talk:

H: That's why I gave up acting. I think these exercises are stupid and I couldn't cope with them when we had to do it.
Me: Well,you know you have always been closed up so may be you are afraid what's going to be your reaction if you do them.
H: I am not afraid.It's a "new age" thing to do these exercises.
Me: You know you are always the funny guy. I think it's a defense so you anticipate your moves and controls what people will think about you. In fact I think you are too afraid of self knowledge sometimes so you take it to radically saying it's a new age thing to learn yourself. You don't need to hug trees but you are also to radical in the other direction.
H: Silence

Two hours later.

H: I want to know if you plan to leave me.
Me: Are you sure you want to have a R talk now? I do not feel like it.
H: But I do.
(At this point I was shocked, it's completely not like him to initiate a R talk)
Me: Ok.
H: I think you are planning something. Do you think you could survive without me?
Me: Yes.
H: I don't think so. I couldn't survive without you.
Me: I have told you before. Right now I am trying to survive with you. In fact, to be honest, I have some good days and some bad days still, I do not want to hurt you by saying this but I sometimes think I'd be better without you.
H: If you are planning to leave please wait until the end of the year.
Me: I think you were planning to leave a while ago and did not have the courage to tell me you were unhappy. I think we need better communication and I will be sincere to say that I can relate to whatever doubts you had about our M because no matter what were the triggers for each of us, I am having them now too.
H: Then why are you planning on redecorating (he loves when I redecorate things) our house in January?
Me: Because I have decided to work in our marriage and concentrate in the good things to come and in the good connections we are getting lately.
H: I am sad you can survive without me. Please don't give up on us.
Me:I am trying and I think it's a two way road too. But why are you asking me these questions?
H: I know I've screwed up big time and I have fear to pay the price I deserve for that.

I guess he tried to open up. I do not know if it was our conversation but I was glad he is bringing up questions about our R though.

OMG hurtan,

This is great... See he started to put you down saying you could not survive and you came right back with a YES I CAN.
The door is openning

I'm there for ya .
you are on the right path keep it up

Husband

Thanks H!

Despite I was afraid of hurting his feelings I sure felt good about myself!

HAL,
Great conversation. You were as cool as a cucmumber!

LOL!

I will think of that image next time.

Hello All,

I had to use Yoyo's cucumber image sooner than I thought.
Another R talk last night.

He still insists that I couldn't be separated from him. That we are dependent on each other. He says because he feels I wouldn't separate it makes him cool about our problems. That it would be worst than losing his parents because I would still be around.

He says that me being nice to him but setting boundaries looks like a traffic light that is red sometimes and green sometimes and it's confusing to him. That he got mad at me for the boundaries but when he see I was sad he blames himself. He does not understand why I am still hurt if the As stopped. That know I can see he is not a saint but a man. That the EA's and cyber sex was just play and he still don't see anything wrong about it.

I just sat there and listened, did not say anything because in the back of my mind I felt that if I said he would stop venting.

I was angry about how he feels I can be his doormat and not leave. I am concerned now that he's with me because after his parents passed away he has only one family member left besides me. And I am mad he does not understand the boundaries as needs I want to have met.

Anyway, due to my "cucumberish" state he just told me he felt good about being able to talk to me like things are in the past and without distress.

Funny story though: The only question I asked him was now that he knows what we've been through,what could I have done when I found out about the first EA that would have stopped you for good? He said he wish I had set him up and not confronted him, like scheduling a meeting and leaving him a letter instead of showing up and then disappearing for sometime. (Talk about how going dark helps, huh? If I knew then what I know now...)

I am getting the shivers he does not understand my need yet and feel like he's struggling to keep his way in our relationship.

I don't know what to do to show him otherwise. I am trying to piece and afraid that if I take some measure it will scare the heel out of him. Help!

I was just thinking to myself what to do.

I think he wants things to work out but I feel he has some on going clouds still since I feel he's doing things to patch up or for the wrong reasons and the thinking behind it didn't change.

Next week I take a new job, so it's going to be kind of GAL since my schedule will be different and I will not be so available as I am right now, although I know now I will never be an workaholic again.

I am being affectionate and trying to do different things for him. When he gets home I started to prepare before dinner, drinks, hors d'oeuvre and music in a nice room we kind of didn't use very often before. I compliment him and let him know when he does things that I appreciate. I started to flirt with him through email. He's participating but don't seem too enthusiastic about those things.

I am puzzled why he wants to have these R talks now, I feel less safe and hopeful after them. May be I am paranoid but I see him falling back in old patterns as he gets safer. And I know where this old patterns ends.

Should I keep current moves towards him, and act as if (like being a cucumber) the R talks are not affecting me also or should I back off and let him now my true thoughts about my boundaries?