Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done an xh, his FF, Thanksgiving, MIL, and one psuedo-R

Woohoo, locked my first thread. Been awhile since I've done that!

Anyway, last thread is here here.

Quick recap:

me: 27
xh: 31
DS: 13 months
started dating: June 2000
married: March 2002
sep#1: October 2003 (4 weeks? 6 weeeks?) (xow in here)
sep#2: March 2004 - ?? summer 04?? (about three months)
sep#3: July (?) 2006
D final: November 2006

I'm sure I could look up more accurate dates, but I find it interesting that I can't recall precisely anymore. Nor do I really care. I guess it says something about my having moved forward...

Separation #2 I used DB. Those threads are under a different user name. We reconciled. Between separations 2 and 3, life was good. Thought we had our issues worked out, I had actually finally fully moved past the whole affair mess. We decided to have a baby..and...surprise! xh never really finished his crisis.

A quick and easy (no lawyer) D, and a year later, we're still very close.

Journaling in the next post...

Okay, I'm being tongue-in-cheek.

The funny thing about my and xh agreeing that, for the sake of appropriate boundaries, we need to stop ML...

....well...

It turns out, that's like gasoline on a fire. Whoops.

I'm not that upset that I caved to sex with him. (More than once. Yikes.) I'm more upset with not being able to stick with my "I won't be intimate knowing the guy is emotionally hung up on someone else." Ugh.

On the positive side, xh and I had a pleasant enough weekend. The tension from my doing all the pushing last weekend has pretty much worn off. Also on the positive side, xh made several comments to the effect that he's been thinking about what I had to say, and that he's feeling very stressed about it. He told me yesterday that he's "too" (his word) attached to JD, and that he can't "physically" (also his word) give her up yet. (Interesting that he said "yet".)

He also mentioned, when were discussing how we really shouldn't continue to ML, that he needed to wait "until at least one loose end is tied up." I didn't ask him to clarify.

Other odd tidbits:

xh is worried that he's "running out of time." He's afraid he's getting "too old," that he can't keep playing around, and wants to be settled and have a family. (Um? Hello?)

He also told me that he's much less interested in his motorcycle. (He got it last summer, mid-crazyness, from his brother. Was a pain to get it across country.) He said he still likes it, but doesn't get the same feeling of freedom he used to. He says he worries something may happen to him, and just thinks of DS while riding.

xh also told me he is dreading his mother coming out here. He's had little contact with his family the last year. While he is letting her stay temporarily at his place, he keeps saying how he's not ready for them--that he's changed, they haven't, and it frustrates him because they expect him to behave in the same old ways. I wonder how much of this applies to me, as well? It echoes his "I'm different" protestations when I say certain things.

I told xh my parents are planning on coming out to visit for a couple of months, probably in January. They are retired, and have purchased an RV. They, uh, also don't realize that we're are D. Yes, part of that is that I just didn't want to deal with that. Part of it was...I stopped telling them about my M a few years back, since it only served to create useless drama. And mostly, I had this plan for how to approach it that I felt was going to get the result I wanted, and that situation hasn't presented itself yet.

Anyway, I could see xh's anxiety. He even commented that he clearly worries more about their reaction than his own family's. He asked how I was going to handle it, what I was going to say. (My plan is to give as few details as possible, leave it very matter-of-fact, and show them that he and I are clearly getting along well.) xh also gave me permission to tell my mother about some of his nastier issues. He said it would be all right, as he doesn't want her (them?) to hate him. I was very surprised by this. He also kept asking what my mom thought of how he's doing school. It really felt like he was wanting her (genuine) approval.

I didn't do much besides listen and validate his feelings. I feel I interjected enough last week. Now, it's his turn to think and talk.

Also spent a lot of time thinking over the weekend. Months ago, I heard a shrink speaking on the radio about types of friends. She said that true, longterm friends are rare, and should be treasured. (My friendship with D falls in this category.) She also said that some friendships, such as the short, intense kind, are based on one common problem--and are designed to help us work through that problem. Once the problem is resolved, any basis for friendship is dissolved, as there is no other common ground. These friendship will fade, and that is okay, because the lesson has been learned.

I suspect JD may this type of friendship. (And xh has confused it for romantic feelings.) JD is married to a controlling nutjob; xh would routinely accuse me of being controlling. (All I ever asked was that he act like a husband. Believe, I bent so far the other way, I afraid that I might be controlling, that I turned into a doormat.)

Anyway. I really shouldn't concern myself with it. It's out of my hands, anyway. Any sort of judgment I may have is just condescending of his feelings, and is therefore inappropriate.

Also, after chatting with a friend (and reading through some of the MLC threads), I wonder how much of xh's keeping the remaining space is in part because I'm not letting him get closer. It's something to think about, and something I should pay more attention to.

Erm.... i'm very confused by your last paragraph.
How are you "not letting him get any closer"?

Do you mean by that, about your uncertainty about really fully committing to be remarried to him?

I wonder if he's making attempts to get closer, but I've been a bit snippy, or backed-off in response, without realizing it.

Over the weekend, xh asked me several times to stay longer at this place...even after the baby was asleep.

I also wonder if I'm not being accepting enough of his attempts at apologies. I really need to make sure that I am actually saying "Thank you" in response.

It's just a gut feeling I have. Can't quite put my finger on it. So I'm trying to pay more attention to my own actions.

Sounds like he's trying to grow up and be more responsible. I guess sometimes having a child in your life can do that to you. He still seems quite a bit confused though as to who he wants to commit to or if that's what he wants....

interesting.

On the one hand... it's "unfriendly" to turn down friendly guestures. On the other hand, you have a right to be a little cold to him, becuase of what he's doing with JD.

Maybe it's just a matter of choosing "how friendly" to be.




that's always a good thing to keep in mind. good for you

'course, if he's "apologising" for something, but keeps doing it... it doesnt really count as an apology. no reason to be all thankful about stuff like that, if it happens.
call him on it.

Well, my thought was, I should learn to be better at expressing my appreciation...regardless of who. xh gets caught in that loop. I'm not doing it as a means to 'convince' him to come back...merely identifying another area of myself I would like to work on.

The other thing I was thinking...xh offers to validate my feelings, as well as asks if I am okay, off and on. I wonder if I may be putting up some barriers there.

There's another reason I say that. I can recall, early in my pregnancy, before the crazy switch got flipped...xh and I were cuddling on the couch. I can't recall exactly what I was doing, but I do recall xh saying: "Wow, I finally got my [my name] back." That comment has still stuck with me. I remember at that point, I had finally felt totally healed from his A.

JD is incidental. I know that. The real question is...what is acceptable to me in how I act? What is the right set of boundaries for me? On the one hand, it feels really, really right to pursue this with xh. Regardless of her. But we are not married...that was always my justification before. That he was my husband, and anyone else was the interloper. Can I still make that same argument? I'm not ultra religious...so, for me, that approach doesn't work.

I think I'm tired today. I'm not expressing myself very well.

Or, maybe, it's because it's just this vague feeling there's something there I need to pay attention to...and I'm not even completely sure of what it is. One thing I have learned, over the years, is to trust my gut. It's usually right. And my gut says there's something there that I'm missing about myself.

Oh. Ugh, I need to get some sleep...forgot to say...

It just doesn't feel right being unfriendly with xh. And I don't think it's just that withdrawal feeling. I can't explain it. Fighting with him is almost physically uncomfortable. (Not stupid arguments, but the nasty, pulling away kind of fights.) He has said the same thing to me. It just feels like he's supposed to be there.

I know I'm not making much sense.

(The baby is getting three molars. Sleep will be scarce for the next few weeks. Yuck.)

How well do you accept services from others? I think it probably comes a bit easier in expressing gratitude once you are more acceptable of what others do for you. I know my W isn't good with accepting other people doing things for her or accepting love from anyone. I guess the though process is that you won't think "why'd you do that, I didn't ask for it, I can do that myself just fine", and instead thinking "hey thanks I really appreciate that, I guess you really care...". Just a thought....

As far as baby molars, try the teething tablets by Hyland:
http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=85461&catid=22
I believe you can find them at grocery stores. They work wonders.