Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? And so it begins...

I know that DB isn't about getting my spouse to change. I don't expect her to change anything, I do realize that it's been MY actions that have driven us apart over the years, what I would like to accomplish by her reading the book is maybe seeing that she is not the first person to feel the way she does, that people do get past the same issues we are facing and can be even stronger. Maybe I've been beating around the bush subconsciously as to what's really going on inside me, looking for the answers in all the wrong places. All I know is that I've gotta get my brain in gear and my sheet together, I seriously doubt I can get her back from where I've driven her to but I have to try. Anyone know a good counselor?

I'm really glad to hear you've decided to stick it out and keep hanging in there

From what others have written about their own struggles... you should let go of "can I get her back? What can I get her to do?", and focus on what you are doing yourself.

Right now, seems like you are committed to working on you, but you also seem to want to get Her, working on Her, for purposes of believing You.

I think that the best thing you can do.. both for her, AND for you... is to let go of her side of the equasion.
If SHE, comes to YOU, and asks you, "why the sudden change?", then show her the books you've been reading. Otherwise, just let her judge you based on your behaviour.

Focus on you. Be the best husband you can be.
That is the best, and pretty much only, way, you can convince her to really try again. Her reading all the books in the world on how you "Might, someday, be a better man", wont help, if you dont show her that better man.
And if you show her... she wont need the books so much

I dont think you need to worry about getting her attention. I think she's watching how you act now, and paying very close attention.


You're probably not going to convince her today... or tomorrow... or next week.

You're in a marathon, not a sprint. So dont burn yourself out thinking "I gotta fix everything this week!!"
Focus on your stride, and where YOU want to get YOU to, as a person. Keep moving in that direction. If you trip, get back up and keep going.
Then I think you may both end up in a good place

Good luck to you

PS: you have a wonderful, incredibly valuable gift:

Your wife told you straight out what the problem is that she has with you, and I think accurately, too.

You are a very lucky man. Treasure that gift. It puts you in a better place to recover your marriage, than many many people on there.

Dom, I'm afraid you misunderstood. I went home, yes, but after talking with her, decided that even though I want to be there, she doesn't want me there now and doesn't want to play Daddy's Home pinball with our daughter so I left again. I agree that I am very lucky to have her tell me what she feels is the ultimate factor in her wanting to stay or leave, but I don't know where to start on something that has likely taken 30 years to develop and I can't really even put my finger on. I expect it to take a long time to get better, if it ever does, and I have nothing but time, I want this woman in my life forever.

Odd. you didnt say that you left again.

By leaving, you reinforced the "daddy's home pinball".
You should go home now, and stay there!
Of course your wife is upset and possibly angry right now.
However, she'll get over it!

Waffling today, will be understandable.

Moving out now, but attempting to move back in a week, will not.

go home!!!


leaving the house when you fight, is exactly what NOT to do!
leaving the house because she is angry, is exactly what NOT to do!

You need to show both her, AND your daughter, that mommy and daddy can have arguments, without you moving out!
that will bring the most long term stability to her!!

Daughter did not know I had come home, she was asleep the whole time I was there. I believe my wife when she says that my inability to reason through some things before acting, to be so impulsive, to be so compulsive, isn't good for our daughter. I will be over there tmrw night for a while, likely Thursday and again over the weekend. I feel I need to get me a little straight before I try and keep our daughter satisfied that dads home.

There was no fighting tonight, just a short discussion with me realizing what's taken me so long to understand. If I can't fix me, I have no hope of fixing us later.

Make this ONE day of confusion, instead of weeks or months of far, FAR worse confusion.

trust me on this... living separately is a horrible thing to do to your children.


yes she has filed for divorce. she may or may not follow through with the rest of it.

dont pre-react on what you think your wife is going to do.

base your actions, on what you should be doing. leave her actions, to her.

you know, I would take this private if I knew a way to...

My wife has made it abundantly clear that living separately is in my immediate future. I know what my wife needs right now to keep me from being pushed further away. I have to give some here and there.

Daughter did not know I had come home, she was asleep the whole time I was there. I believe my wife when she says that my inability to reason through some things before acting, to be so impulsive, to be so compulsive, isn't good for our daughter.


EXACTLY.

you MOVING OUT, was "impulsive". you can fix that now though.



If you stay out "until you are fixed", you are going to screw up your daughter's head for a long time, because you are not "going to be fixed" for a long time. So you will be living separately for a long time. And thus impact your daughter.


You've already shown yourself that you can do it: you didnt have an angry fight with your wife.

have confidence in your own resolve to fix things. Dont let your wife's disbelief, shake your resolve.