Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Learning to Trust

ok, I'm just trying to start out on the right foot. We have had too many secrets for too long and look what it has done. I guess I felt like I was being open and he should do the same.

and I really feel like he is hiding something else. I know I can't make him come clean but it still worries me. He also changed the password on our tmobile account again. When we changed the cell numbers he had to give it in front of me. He changed it. Why?? If he isn't contacting her anymore then why does he need to block me out of the cell bill.

They say that they have to mourn the OW and it takes time for them to get them out of their systems. I not really a good one to be talking about this, my husband isn't home...

What's wierd is that I don't know if he is "mourning" her. He never met with her physically even when he was in Chicago. I do believe him that he didn't. But there was stuff over the net and the phone. He told me about some of it and she was "kind" enough to fill me in on the rest. H was really upset that she would sink so low as to email me and text me stuff when he broke it off with her. I hope it is truly over. I wish he wouldn't have left so soon to go back to Ca. He says he will be back Friday for good but I can't help but worry over it.

Yes, it is natural to worry. Adultery is the ultimate betrayal and it so hard to put our total trust in them.

Yes, and truth doesn't prevent hurting you. Are you saying it would have been better if he came home each night and said, "I wrote 3 emails to X and I told her that I'd like to come see her and spend the night with her." And then a week later he calls and says, "I just had sex with my new love and it was great." How is the truth better?

Luv,
I think you are going to have to think of him as an ice cold swimming pool. You are going to have to ease into the relationship. You know if you jump in it will take your breath away...

Hi LWB

May be I will be helpful may be I will be not but I also found out when the worst ( I also found out about the PA) was happening that my H had another email account he wasn't telling me about. I was not as strong as you and confronted him right away. He told me that he did not want remains of his past actions bothering me again since he could receive emails from the cyber affairs. I have learned that he was sincere. By the time I was snooping I found some cyber communications he wasn't replying back to 3 months ago and was still getting emails.

In the end I gave up, I can tell you, I work also with Information Technology, I can snoop quite professionally and have the resources to do so. But I've just rationalized to myself that there are thousands of email accounts he could sign up to. He gave me his passwords but I will have to snoop forever to learn if he set other accounts others than the two he gave me full access. He canceled one and the one he kept I don't even feel like snooping. You know why? Because it's useless.

That's where the first test goes in, I guess. You can and is entitled to ask for honesty on what you know. But that does not guarantee you much.(That's why Sara is so right)

So may be you should give yourself a break and wait to see how things settle in. By now, you are wise about the signs. Take LWB and Yoyo's advice and let him do his thing, spontaneously.

You have already come this far. I am not telling you to be on denial but keep the faith in yourself and in your achievements.

Hi, it's me again. My wife and I are still not speaking. This quote above rings true with me. I made more mistakes than I can count, but I feel like my W takes the moral high ground that in her not cheating and that I did, her pain is more than mine.

CHEATING IS WRONG. I did it. I hate myself for it. But that does not mean that the pain I feel from her emotional abandonment is any less than her pain. I broke the vows, but I did nearly kill myself to honor them until my breaking, and I am again. I guess I feel sometimes W did not honor ours by never emotionally consummating our marriage. That was and is incredibly lonely. I want to be strong and believe in her. And I do. I love her with all my heart for who she is. I just dont want to be lonely.

It took me a long time to "get over" constantly worrying and wondering if he was still "doing something."

I know you know this, but sometimes you DON'T need to know all details of the whole sitch. What helps is time & patience w/ yourself, your H and your M. Honestly, it's so very hard, but as time goes by, you feel more & more "safe" that everything's going to be ok. I understand the feeling of "when is he going to decide again that he doesn't want to stay?" Only time is going to heal all of this.

Unfortunately, I can also tell you that I don't know when the trust completely comes back. I have good days & bad days. I can give you an example, just last week, I was feeling awesome about my M and everything and now, just b/c H is stressed w/ work and his tone seems different I'm convinced that he is "talking" to someone or doing something he shouldn't be. I just have this horrible gut feeling.

I will tell you this though, I have not confronted him on it, because it probably is just ME worrying and it won't do any good for me to jump on him about it. This is where the 48 hour rule comes in and sometimes you need to wait even longer -- what this does is allows you time to cool down and think things through clearly before opening your mouth and maybe saying or doing things you shouldn't or will regret later. Sometimes just a few days will go by and you will realize that your worries were unjustified.

Just take it slowly or you could ruin all the good that you have done so far. Make sure that anything you ask truly needs to be known by you. I did not ask a lot about OW/EA. For all I know, it could have been a PA, but I really don't need or want to know this. We're moving on and details really don't matter. It's what is in his heart FOR YOU that matters.