Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy More complicated than I imagined...

Why yes, yes it was!!

Thanks

Well, things have been pretty quiet here. Ever since the anniversary it seems we've reached a plateau and are gliding along. Nothing great, nothing horrible (some communication issues but I think I've become grounded enough to identify when to engage her in conversation and when to back off until she cools down).

No R talk in a while now. Overall, living here has become much more pleasant and we're getting along very well - just not quite "married".

I actually threatened to spank her tonight because she was mocking me (jokingly). She stood her ground so I picked her up, threw her over my shoulder and gave her a couple of whacks.

She laughed about it like she used to when we played this way in the past but I let the episode end fairly quickly - don't want to overdo it. I figured that prolonging it, even by a few extra seconds, could make her feel suddenly uncomfortable, so only a taste.

I'm treating this as an experiment - with no anticipated result. She has just been reminded of how we used to play and that yes, believe it or not, we really did have fun.

If she enjoyed it, she knows how to get that reaction out of me again, which buttons to push. If she didn't enjoy it, or is not ready to accept it, she'll be careful not to "pick" on me (which would be sad, of course, but it's all in the name of science...)



This falls in line with one of the DB techniques I guess. Try something, pay attention to how well it works and modify if necessary.

I agree, you are trying something, noticing positive effects. This is good. It was perfect that you didn't try to prolong the moment. That's hard to do when it feels so nice.

Me also, the 'spanking' was a 'bad boy' thing. Those things turn her on. She won't show it of course, but you are pushing her buttons when you do that.

By not 'lingering' you made her want it more.

very cool.

Okay, so D11 went up to Hunter yesterday and W just left with D13 to spend the night as well. I'm very happy she's going just so she can be out in the real world again. The only outside interaction she has anymore (besides phone calls and her online world) is when she picks the kids up at school, brings her father to a doctor appointment or the rare visit with our neighbor (very rare, very short visits).

Yesterday was the BEST day we have had since things fell apart in early September.

It started with her asking me to work from upstairs instead of in my office. I had a couple of phone meetings which I had to take downstairs and after each one, I took my time coming back up. No need to rush back up - give her a chance to wonder when I was coming back up.

While I was making dinner she walked past me and slid her hand across my hip. I jokingly said 'keep yer hand of my a$$', she responded with 'yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever'.

After dinner she placed her hand on my arm, again in the kitchen and just in passing. No comment this time.

This was the first time she touched me since the bomb (okay, we've "touched" but I'm sure everyone understands the importance of this type of a touch).

Once again I'm faced with the reality that this episode does not mean that we have been saved. However, as each of these baby steps come up (the touching, the spanking, the invitation for coffee/breakfast/working from the kitchen table, etc.), I store them in my memory and hope she does as well.

One thing I've learned this week is that while the attention boosts the PMA and self-esteem, it takes some real work not to let it be the driving force for either of these. These moments have been missed for a long time so it's very easy for them to come in and turn your brain back into oatmeal, causing you to forget that this is only part of the goal of DB'ing.

It took me some time to really understand that saving my marriage may have been the catalyst for me to start DB'ing, but this is not the only purpose nor the only benefit.

After the week we've had, I am relieved actually that she will be away tonight. It will give me time alone with S8 and will let me take a step back to get an idea of how things are really going. It will also give her the opportunity to miss me (not necessarily an expectation but definitely a hope).

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Don't forget to not be too easy to rope back in.

Good point Frank, thanks. It's possible that has already occurred but I'll keep it in check and make any necessary modifications. I have taken your recommendation regarding makingherhappy.com and have gotten the book as well as subscribed to the newletter.

I have had a few emails back and forth with David Cunningham and his insight is amazing as well as quite sensible.
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W called 3 times tonight from Hunter (S8 and I went out to Home Depot and stopped for Chinese - boys night out!) and she left some messages. Called her back just after her last call and she said she was worried because she didn't know where my son was...

What an oddball. Maybe she was seriously concerned about where he was but why would she not simply assume he was with me, and why not try my cell phone? Where dis she think he could be? He's 8, I'm his father, she knew we had plans while the "ladies" were out... Just don't get it.

Did she think I went out without him? duh.

Could be her motherly instincts kicked in when she couldn't reach her child or maybe she just didn't want me to think she was concerned about the boy AND me...

Too much thought put into that already, just very odd.

We had some small talk (I told her about our afternoon/evening and she told me about them getting lost a few times). She asked me to tell S8 "I love him and good night. Or should I call back at bedtime?"

Okay, she's new at this. Not sure why she didn't ask me to put him on the phone. So I asked my son if he wanted to say goodnight to her now or at bedtime... he took the phone, they spoke for a few moments and then they both hung up.

She didn't ask him about his evening, didn't ask about what the rest of our plans were. Could be she was distracted by the other ladies and all the kids - I think there are 9 kids and 5 women.

I'd like to think that her worrying caught her off guard and she got a little flustered by it all. Who knows. Gonna let it pass.

I was actually tempted to call her back and bitch about how inconsiderate it was for her not to say good night to me - she makes a point of doing it every other night. Who cares? In the scope of battles to fight and battles to drop, this is definitely not that important. It bothered me but I'll get over it - mostly have already (hate feeling needy, damn it.) More importantly, it was pretty damn inconsiderate to have the EA to begin with!!

Bah!!

I know what you mean about turning to mush. Its like they throw little 'old self' habits out there, and we are longing for it so much, we lap it up. You are doing so well recognizing it, and keeping it under control. Glad you had such a great day!

first, I like 'lwb's comment about turning to mush. Very insightful.


How about: She's not used to him being 'out' with his dad, and her not being 'in charge' of it.? IN the past, she would get a total 'blow by blow' of your evening. However, now that she has 'left' she is only entitled to "S8 and I are going out'.

See how much of a change that is?

Separation / divorce is not quite what she thought it would be.

So, you need to keep letting her 'feel' what divorce 'feels like'.

Act 'as if'. Let her feel it. One of two things will happen:

1) She will decide that it feels bad, and she wants to work on the marriage.

2) She will decide it feels bad, and that she wants to get 'control'.

Either way, she is facing the consequences of her choices.

Either way, YOU will be ok.

frank D, you are brilliant!!!

The first few times I had the kids and H was not with us, I would get calls "Where are the girls?". Uh, they're 3 and 5, but I left them at home so I could go shopping....where do you think they are H? They are buckled in their car seats right behind me.