...all I can say is I felt compassion, pity, and mercy for him...I mean, he had been such a wonderful dad, husband, and friend for many years...
Affairs are hard for the LBS...but I am now convinced that most are not easy on the WAS/MLC'er either...guilt is an evil bed fellow...worse it tends to stick to the very fiber of your being and infect you with such raw feelings that things from your childhood, things you thought you had dealt with...all of that "stuff" just comes bubbling up forcing you at some point to face reality...but the WAS/MLC'er avoid that for as long as they can...but when they hit bottom they usually reach out to the one who has always really and truly loved them...
Your courage and wisdom are an inspiration, especially having to endure it all over two years. I am in the process of forgiving my W, accepting what she is doing, and, hopefully detaching. It would be nice if some day I too can show her the compassion I'm starting to feel for her, but it's very possible that she will be re-married before she comes out of the fog. By then, the destruction will be complete.
LL
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
Hi there Larry - I noticed that change right away, recognized your thread title and saw the new name.
I like it!!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
hi LIN, my H and I were seperated for 5 mos he is still talking and probably seeing ow. H has been back home for the past 7 weeks. On fri. I went over to his apt that he still has, when he was at work and saw that ow is calling that phone 3 times a day. I thought he had stopped talking to her so this made me sad. I told H if I ever caught them talking or together it would be over. 2 mos.ago ow got her own apt. so they could meet there and they know I dont know where it is so I cant check up on him. I know until he gives up ow we cant work on our M. I think he is in a MLC. H wants to enjoy his family life but have her on the side. I know i have to GAL and focus on me and S. When will h wake up from the fog? m-47 h-49 s-13 m-19 yrs t-29 yrs
rysmom...I so well know the feeling...the secret apartment that you don't know about...the phone calls that you aren't supposed to know about...
All I can tell you is that he isn't over it/her (MLC/OW) yet....it takes time and it is best that you don't make statements like "if I ever caughter them talking or together it would be over."...I will tell you why...because he is going to talk and probably will see her...but it is all part of HIS issue/journey...
To my absolute suprise I found out that my H had made contact with his OW 9 months after he was home...nearly 2 years after they ended things!!!...to say I was shocked and hurt was an understatement...to read that he still professed his love for her...still felt she saved his life (uh, what about me and all the medical bills I got covered for his hospital stay and recovery??)...and still wanted to keep in touch by PHONE!...
Fortunately she declined the latter, phone contact...and I think he realized that he needed to just let it all go...I didn't know about all of this until recently...and looking back H still couldn't say he loved me...that came about 4 months after that contact with her...she mentioned that she had tried calling him at his office but he was never there (he does't own in anymore!)...so I know at some point she tried to contact him too...
I am not sure why he contacted her since he had come home to make our marriage work...he had recommitted to the kids and me...I think it was just an itch he had...to see if she would still respond to him...maybe he really just wanted to let her know he was okay and wanted to know about her...he did tell her he was back with me...that the divorce was still pending but that it had been put off several times...and she replied that she "always knew he would return" to me...
Rysmom...all I can say is there is probably still a lot more time you H needs to get through his crisis...try and understand that he really isn't dealing rationally...that he needs your compassion, patience, mercy, pity...he really is a mess inside...this isn't about you...although it feels very much about you...I focused on my kids...on me...being the best person I could...really worked on being patient and controling my tongue...in the end it worked...it was a long road...very long...and even after he came home I questioned my decision to take him back because things seemed even harder then...
So keep GAL...take up a craft or hobby...focus on you (get a massage or manicure once in a while) and yes, focus on son...do things that maybe you didn't do with him before...not sure where you are at but maybe a mini-vacation with just you and son to do things he enjoys...this will give you joy and help keep you two close...
hi Lin, I think it is the ow that will not let my H go. My H is very successful and her H is a bumb and they lived in the run down section of town. My H is very generous and Im sure he gives her many gifts, thats why I think she refuses to let him go. She was the drive-in teller at the bank where he did his banking so she knew his income. I found out H gave her a ring back in April. I think he planned on marrying her. But I try not to focus on the past and Im very grateful that he is back home. I talked to my MIL and she told me my H said he wasnt seeing her anymore and that she was going to go back to her H. My H said he doesnt care what she does, I hope this is true. The thing that I regret the most out of all of this is that my 13 yr old son knows whats going on and I feel like his childhood innocense was stolen from him.
I know it is hard with kids...especially when they know what is happening...but I don't think you have to worry too much about his childhood innocense being taken from him...what happen's is they see you two go through a very tough time...but somehow work things out...I think this instills in them a very vital message that you don't give up...
Yep, my H's OW was supposedly abused by her H...he didn't support her...she had some huge bills that H paid for her...so I am sure she thought she was getting herself a sugar daddy...little did she know...
hi Lin, today was not good day. just felt that I couldnt go on wondering where H is everyday. H is self employed so he can go where ever he wants mon-fri,8-5. when he got home today i asked if he unplugged the phone at his apt so ow cant call anymore and he said no. i said then go over there until you decide to unplug it,so he left again. me and son are very sad. h is making no attempt to make marriage better.
Well if you want to push him away giving him ultimatums will do it....
I will tell you straight up right now then when you get him home...or even starting home...the real work begins...you need to bite your tongue...you need to keep things settled as much as you can until H starts feeling like he is home and then slowly...and I do mean slowly you start addressing the issues...
I know at times when we were first working on getting back together and for a while after I questioned my decisions...wondered if I was crazy...wanted to kick him out...but I didn't...I had to keep going toward the goal...
I know this is hard...but you need to back off and give him breathing room...both at your place and if he is at his...
My H didn't really attempt to work on M with me until he had been home for about 6-9 months...so don't expect much initially...this way you won't be disappointed...
