Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy The Course of an Affair

Larry,
On Gracey's thread you talked about how much company you son is to you. I too don't know what I would do without my 16 yr old daughter.

You also talked about the immorality of adultery. In my H's case he would sneak over to the OW's house who happened to by his secretary who was going through a divorce. He would wait until the 8yr old son was in bed to go over there. The son's room was right across the hall from her room! She admitted this in court during the custody trial. She still got custody of the boy!

Yoyo - Right across the hall! Aren't they all just so charming? They just lose all sense of decency and all common sense. Anything goes as long as they can get their fix from the OP. Has your H's A ended yet?

Guess the courts still have a bias toward the mom re custody. The legal system should catch up with the fact that sometimes the dad is the better parent. Oh well.

LL

LarryL...

The story is very true in my case...when the Seas of Guilt and Loss flooded in on H he nearly had a totaly mental breakdown...it was not a pretty sight...
I understand how you feel about OM in R with your kids...I told H that my children would NEVER be in the same company as OW...I think he believed I could do that...this was a major part of their not being able to get on with getting married...you see she lived in another state and out youngest, S9 (at the time), would never be allowed to go there (so I had H convinced)...OW had custody issues that prevented her from leaving the state with her kids...so they were at a mutual STUCK...neither could move to be with other...
This allowed The other seas, the Sea of Clarity and the Sea of Reality, to leak all over the Island of Adultery...things pretty much fell apart after enduring for 8 months or so...it then took another 2 years for H to "unlove" OW...
Along the lines of custody...my brother was able to get 1/2...the judge basically said as long as she and OM didn't have sex in full view of the kids there was no crime!!!...I guess morality means nothing...his kids are now grown and although they love their mother they keep distance and refer to her as crazy...very sad...

So how was the air in SJC?...I am in the N.San Diego County...it was really really bad down here...still is...got woke up smelling smoke and not sure if it was a wind shift or if it is the marine layer holding it all down on us...Sea World was closed during some of this...good thing you made it on a good day...
BTW...love your area...I go play there when I can..

Take care...Lin

Lin - I am so glad to hear your success story! Sometimes, as in your case, it just takes so long. It's possible that something close to a mental breakdown is necessary to make the WAS understand that changes in themselves are necessary.

I'm at four months and counting since the affair came to light. She comes out of the fog a little more often now but then goes right back in, reconfirming her long range plans to be with the OM for ever and ever. It may be that your H took so long to recover because he did not have enough contact with the OW because of the distance. I think that reality actually sets in more quickly the more time they spend together. Makes it harder to keep the illusion in place and the euphoria going.

It's been smoky here in south OC from both the OC and San Diego fires. Even today, you can smell it.

Take care.

LL

Yep...woke up to the smell of smoke this morning...figured the wind shifted again...maybe we will get back to work by Tuesday...that is the goal here!

Take care...Lin

Everyone - I need your thoughts regarding detachment.

Background: My W is rushing headlong toward an engagement with the OM. She has been helped along in that direction recently by the fact that she feels excluded from her family gatherings planned for both Thanksgiving and Christmas (largely of her own doing though, because of trips planned with the OM), while I will be at both with our kids. So she feels as if it is her and the OM against the world.

In the meantime, I am giving the gift of forgiveness, to myself. I'm tired of feeling pain, anger and hatred toward them, and I want to get past all of that. Until I do, I don't think I'll be happy again.

So I've been working very hard on what I call "FAD": Forgive, Accept and Detach. I feel that all three go together and that working consciously on the first two has helped me make progress on the third (which seems more resistant to conscious effort). All this works better of course if it is in the framework of active GALing.

It seems that working on forgiving my W by being compassionate about all the stress she is under and even rationalizing some of her actions, actually does make me feel better, more accepting of the way things are, and better able to "let go".

Sorry if I seem over-analytical here, but for me it helps to have the info to work with. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

LL

Larry,

you are doing great, Where are your kids? willl they be with W or you and the famililes durring the holidays?

Husband

H - Thanks for your support! The kids will be with me at Thanksgiving, along with her whole family. This is hard for her because she has a huge button re feeling rejected or excluded. She already decided to go on a trip with OM during that time, apparently to meet his family in Texas.

At Christmas, she gets the kids. However, she has planned another trip, to Hawaii, with OM from 12/19 to 12/23 (how romantic). Well, her family gathering this year happens to be on the 23rd, so she won't be making that one either. Again, I'll be there with the kids and she will be missing. She created the situation but she won't own the results of her actions. She thinks it's a conspiracy to isolate her. Unfortunately, she is huddling closer to the OM as a result. It's them against the world, fighting the noble fight!

Nice soap opera huh?

LL

I get this same vibe from H at times. I think its their guilt. I used to wonder why he would shy away from family functions (getting better now), but I've realized its his guilt. His sham of a life (even though no one knows) probably really gets to him.

Well, maybe she'll get a little diarrhea on her Hawaii trip? Is that so wrong of me?

Glad you get the kids a lot. The holidays are really about them.

Very strange that your W could be away from the kids for the holidays. I would expect some major feelings of guilt from her regarding that.