Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Turbulence and Connection

Matilda,
I think a housecleaner will likely appear at some point.

We were out last night looking at horizontal blinds to replace the drapery. We took down the drapes to have them dry cleaned. We have two long hair cats, and it takes more time than we want to devote, to keep the hair off those drapes. Blinds may be the solution.

My W and I are on the same page with the goal of making our home as low maintenance as possible. We're going to replace the current stove with a gas one that is self-cleaning this weekend. She says that not having to clean the oven will make her life easier. I'm sold.

The home improvement projects I think are a good investment and will help us to build on positives. I speak up if I think she's getting extravagent--jacuzzi in the basement.

CL

CL,

Sounds like some positive connection here in spite of her sleeping elsewhere behavoir.

Have you thought about asking her about the slepping elsewhere behavoir in a positive text?

My thread locked up and i need to start a new one but nothing to say right now.


JAK

Jak,
I think it's too soon to ask her about it. I'm not sure what I would do with the information anyway.

I agree with Cat's post on Peaceful Spirits's thread. She shared some excerpts from the book, "Healing the Hurt in your Marriage." I took from it that we should not give power to the EA/PA or be threatened by it. The EA/PA is an escape from the role of a spouse, and it's responsibilities. The WAS is a depressed person trying to escape the realities and responsibilities of their lives.

If you go with that premise, than one of my roles is to make the home environment as positive as possible. Being Me's quote on her thread is "Be the Greener Grass."

I'll stay the course for now. I'll keep working with my W to improve the home environment. I'll only be a check and balance, if I think she's being extravagent, or buying for the sake of buying.

CL

CL,

It does make sense. Maybe though she is just staying with a friend on those nights.
Even though i don't think much about OW it does creep in from time to time. I did ask H when he told me he was still having a hard time reconnecting if he still has feelings for her and then thought why did i bother with that.Of coarse he said no but i have to think he still does, so why did i bother asking(DUH). The one thing that gets to me is if he is still disconnected is ML just sex to him. Sometimes i feel like a glorified whore when that thought creeps in.

But in the bright side things are going ok, just have to knock him off the fence.


We all have to work hard at being the "Greener Grass".

JAK

Jak and Matilda,
There was some turbulence and connection last night.

We had dinner together at the dining room table. The topic of conversation was my W's distress about her friend putting ice cubes in her wine, and her growing intolerance about her lack of grammatical and social skills. This has been a long-term friendship with someone who is not functioning well in most areas of her life. My W seems to lately view her from a different perspective.

My W values grammar and social graces highly, and is distressed when I chew my food with my mouth open or make a grammatical error. She says that I don't try hard enough to make changes.

My W made a smoothie for me in the blender.

The handyman installed horizontal blinds in the three bedrooms and the dining room. It makes the home look larger and cleaner. I don't think we're going to reinstall the drapes, as they collect cat hair.

Afterwards my W told me that the handyman and her sister wanted to know if I was depressed due to the clutter in the home and basement, over the years. I got defensive, thinking that she was placing the blame on me for the neglect of the household. I became silent, because I don't think I'm depressed, and didn't understand the intent of the conversation.

She became angry at me saying that I was "shutting down" like I always do. I left the room for about ten minutes and came back. I told her that I would consider her comments and think about it.

She also went into sharing her frustration with my role in housecleaning. After listening to her voice her complaint, I validated her by saying that she wants me to increase my participation in cleaning, to take more intitiative on my own, and to increase the quality of what I do. She said yes.

I was worn-out by the evening, and went to bed. She stayed-up and cleaned. She also provided me with a list of chores she wants done.

We touched base this morning, and she wanted to know if I thought about last night. I told her that I spent some time cleaning before I went to work, and that I didn't think I was depressed, but probably was at various times over the years. The morning was more pleasant.

She has raised the cleaning standards of the home (which were pretty low before). I'm going to need to adapt, as this is a priority for her.

CL

Hello,

I have read your sitch for the last few weeks and never really posted - but what do YOU want??? You seem so generous and giving and I am sorry but your W seems so so selfish - this may be the alien. I feel for you - please try and let her know your needs too...I know you stand up for your writing sessions but other than that she seems to get to control everything.

I hope I have not been out of line - you seem to deserve so so much more!!! Have you thought about communicating this to her?

HB

HB,
Thanks for your concern. What's interesting is that I know how much my W feels out of control.

My life is fairly balanced. I can't think of anything I want that I'm not getting. I have dance lessons, I write and read daily, I go dancing a couple of times per week.

The only thing I need to be careful about is her pushing me to make more money. We do need to get our finances in better shape for retirement. There will need to be an increase in household income. How should this occur?

The easiest solution is for my W to find a new job. She makes 25K in social services. She has an MBA and experience in the business and social services world. She can easily increase her salary. Yet she is fearful of venturing.

I have to decide if I should leave a job I enjoy to make more money or work PT in addition to my job, or hold-off. I would consider working a few hours on a Saturday, but haven't pursued anything. I check the ads weekly for now. There's no harm in exploring opportunities.

My W did say to me about a month ago that she did not want a pushover for a H. She said that M is about negotiation. Believe me, I hold those words in my back pocket.

I'm not about giving her anything she wants, but letting her have power over the little things that matter to her. 4K to build a jacuzzi in the basement will likely be met with resistance. Hardwood floor refinishing, new blinds, a paint job, glassblock windows, and a gas self-cleaning stove are a good investment in the home and my M.

You're right, I do deserve more, but she deserves a better H than I was in the past. You're seeing the improved version where I grade myself a B. She remembers the C- version I was for many years.

CL

From my point of view givin your posts you are an A.

JAK

Jak,
Thanks. I think I'm thinking a B until I improve in the sexual/physical intimacy, and communication areas of being a H. She's also right that I do need to help-out more with the housework, so we can be proud of our home. I'm still a work in progress.

She slept elsewhere last night, so I'm having to process the thoughts/feelings associated with that. What's different about the pattern is that she leaves notes for me.

I went dancing last night on my own, and she was gone when I returned.

She's going to be joining my dance class tonight. I have to admit I'm nervous about it. I'm not sure how to act. I would say be friendly, but not act like we're a close couple. I'm not sure what her motive is for wanting to take the classes. Is it more this particular class, or that I'm in it?

CL

CL,

Just being aware of change needed in my book still makes you an A.



I feel here is where ACT AS IF comes in. She is leaving notes which is a positive. Maybe she is staying with girl friend or at a hotel by herself when she feels overwhelmed. This is a good way to look at it. The notes though are definitaly a move forward.

On the dance, I suggest to be her friend and take it from there. It will come naturally if you let it and you will know if she is not happy and can change you plan then.

Happy dancing tonight Cl.

JAK