Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

LH,
It seems like you have had many opportunities to make this right over the years. Your wife stuck with you for 3 YEARS while you carried on with another woman. But, the real problem is that you lied to her for those three years. How can you change her attitude and make her believe in you? You must become transparent to your wife. Show her the remorse you are expressing here. Pick up the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It is excellent and tell the story of the affair from both sides.

Peter,

This is not going to fix itself over night. You lied to her for so long. How can you show her that you are not lying now?

I still don't see that you have answered my question about why NOW did she decide to end it. Why is that? What was the final straw?

Saffie

I agree with LO, Not Just Friends will open your eyes big time, not only to what your wife has been through, but how you found yourself in such a place, somewhere you never intended to be. Hope it helps.

I have no expectation that it will fix itself over night at all. Thank you for helping to keep me grounded.

I want to be nothing but transparent to my W. That is what made me vulnerable in the first place. 5 years ago I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition and she NEVER went/goes to the cardiologist with me. This is my SELFISH explanation, but I cannot tell you how lonely and abandoned I felt. It does not excuse MY DECISION to go outside of my marriage. My point is that I understand the desperation of wanting to be transparent and to be able to cry and share with your W/H all of your hopes and dreams and fears. I don't want to go down this path ever again. I was lonely and felt abandoned that the mother of our children couldn't be bothered to go to the cardiologist with me. To those who may ask, children can go too and babysitters were available.

I don't share this for sympathy, but to show that I hear what you are saying and I understand the need for that level of commitment. I want to give that every day!

Thanks so much for your support gang.

Thanks for the tip. Going to order it tomorrow/today:-)

WHAT MADE HER DRAW THE LINE NOW??????????????????????

Saffie

Sorry, I thought I answered this a while back. When she moved back home at the beginning of September I begged her to stay. She said she didn't want to regret it if she didn't divorce me. I told her I would break it off. The OW's ex decided he didn't like me anymore and called my W and told her I had seen her. That was it.

I screwed up. It is over now with the OW and has been since that day. Why did I do it that day and not before? Any answer I give is an excuse. I tried to do it my way and not the right way. Call it scar tissue from the previous six years of being sad and lonely. During the time after W went home I wrote her every day about my love for her, sent her flowers, called her everywhere I went from phones there. I did not hear from the OW for several weeks and we met in Chicago while I was there on business. Then I honored a commitment I made over the summer and saw her the following weekend. That is what the angry ex called and told her, unbeknown to me. What I did not do was honor my vows.

I am several chapters into the Divorce Remedy. I know my actions are perceived as sidestepping the issue because I did not break it off right away. Why did I succumb???? Because everyday I wrote a love letter, called every day, did everything I could to show my wife my love. Never once did I get a "I appreciate your effort!" Should I have expected it to be easy, certainly not. But my issues before the affair were NO FEEDBACK ever. So I felt it was falling on deaf ears and I protected myself by feeling good. I did not consider the feelings of my family, my extended family, or her family. Now all I have is regret. Two hours before the angry ex called, my wife told me she was coming out for T-day and I had resolved myself to ending it that night. I ran the second lap before the first and boy do I know it now.

HELP!!!! What do I do now??? My mom has been talking to my W and maintaining a dialogue as part of her support network. My W wrote me today and told me she would still come out over T-day to my parents house with our kids. She said, "I am coming out so you can see the kids and they can see you, not so I can reconcile." This was very hard for me to read.

I don't know how to respond. Why would she offer to come out knowing how tense it will be for her and I and my family? I am happy that she is so gracious, but her family is only 5 hours away, she could stay there and come down for a day? Why volunteer to come to my families house for 5 days? Is this positive? Is she rubbing it in my face? I am scared to see her because I love her and our children so much, but how stressful will this be? Should I say yes? Should I line up a counselor?? Help!!!!!!!!!!!

Say yes, thank you, and of course you understand that she doesn't intend to reconcile. You know you don't deserve that, and you are sorry for all the pain you caused her.
End of discussion.
Then focus on YOUR KIDS when they are here. Honestly, they NEED YOUR ATTENTION lots more than you need your wife's approval.

It may take YEARS to win back your wife's respect, if ever. Be patient. You have to show her you've changed, that you're no longer concerned with YOURSELF first. Instead of worrying about yOUR pain, YOUR fear, you should be worrying about her and the kids and how they're doing. Period.

Ellie

Well surely that can't have come as a suprise. Why would he like you? I am just amazed he didn't do it sooner.



What you did was nullify all the actions and words you had had with your wife in the intervening period. That was so stupid to do. After breaking it off with OW you had no committments to her any more EVEN if you had made them in the past. Now it will take so much longer to get your wife to beleive anything you say or do. From her point of view I would think words and flowers come cheap.

Be grateful that she will be there for T-giving. It's a start to build on. If there was really nothing there why would she bother having that contact

Lousy, I know you are trying hard and that is great but you must realise that you have promised your wife things in the past and not followed through your words with actions - this will take a while. I truly hope she can see that you are genuine this time and will open up. Even if you get back together she needs to be willing to work on you creating an affectionate marriage between you so you don't feel the need to look elsewhere again for that gap to be filled.

I wish you well my friend.

Saffie