Hey Sage, thanks for the thorough response. I was just curious as to the status of your R with regard to how it had been in the past. For me, I don't really remember when my R was "satisfying." Maybe it's because during the time I didn't see it for what it was, or maybe it's because it really hasn't been for so very many years. Kind of sad really.
It's interesting how much we have in common. Two things stand out for me that you said: - Belief that your H would be faithful (or the lack thereof). - That you are much more of a worrier than H. and spend a lot more time and energy on stuff than was necessary.
(Are you a Libra???)
In any case, I very much understand where you are coming from with regards to a fear of an A and being more of the "responsible" one. I've learned to let go quite a bit, be less anal, and just chill. Overall, it makes it easier for my W to be around me...especially when she isn't chillin'...
Is the walk tonight, or was it last night? 82 degrees sounds like a dream!
That was an interesting question Jethro asked...made me think some. I'm not really sure that I ever felt really satisfied with my M. (the firet year or so we were together, yes, but after M??? not so sure). I always felt something (passion, involvment, goals) was missing.
Wish I could help plug up that little hole in your bucket, but I guess we all know that you're the only one who can do that.
Well, the walk went well. The weather was gorgeous, we walked for 90 minutes and yes, Caz, we DID hold hands for some of that. H and I used to take lots of walks together at the end of last summer/early fall. I expect that we'll continue!
Focusing on the good stuff...what's gone well over the last few day:
1. H called a few times yesterday -- he even called during lunch...I had JUST posted on someone else's thread about how I NEVER call home during my lunch hour because if H isn't home I freak -- the day I found out about A, I called home during lunch, no answer and I KNEW that they were together -- found out that night I was right about A AND about their lunch date
2. H has been chatting with me quite a bit about my "stuff" -- work, school, etc. I really feel good about the interest that he's been showing
3. Got a really passionate kiss before bed last night.
We went out to dinner with H's parents last night. It was eye opening for me in a way -- I don't know if I was just paying more attention or what but it amazed me how loving, enthusiastic and attentive they were to H. How proud they are of him. He's deserving of ALL of that and MORE and I guess I just had never noticed how well they deliver that to him....I'm not sure what my point is here other than it made me really happy for him to see how well loved he is by his parents.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting jethro: Hey Sage, thanks for the thorough response. I was just curious as to the status of your R with regard to how it had been in the past. For me, I don't really remember when my R was "satisfying." Maybe it's because during the time I didn't see it for what it was, or maybe it's because it really hasn't been for so very many years. Kind of sad really.
Jethro -- one of the things that DB'ing has done for me is to slow me down and make me more aware. This has its good points AND its bad ones (more on that later) but one of the good aspects was it made me realize that H. has been articulating love and interest for me ALL ALONG (well, not during throes of A!) but that I wasn't "hearing" it. Why wasn't I hearing it? Partly because it hasn't always been in MY language, partly because I wasn't paying attention and partly because I was filtering out all of his efforts with my own insecurities, doubts, etc.
Now, the bad part about DB'ing for me (and the awareness that it creates) is that I'm sometimes having trouble shutting of the "watching and learning" aspect of it and just enjoying the moment. Then again, maybe it's me not DB'ing! I've always struggled to "go with the flow".
Quote: It's interesting how much we have in common. Two things stand out for me that you said: - Belief that your H would be faithful (or the lack thereof). - That you are much more of a worrier than H. and spend a lot more time and energy on stuff than was necessary.
(Are you a Libra???)
I'm a Gemini.
I'm not sure if it's the "stars" that drive me towards my tendencies or my upbringing (that old nature/nurture argument!). I CAN say that I think I've spent a lot of time blaming H. or being angry at H for things that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with whatever filters/defense mechanisms/whatever I developed growing up. I'm not going to blame my parents or wallow in that for TOO long but I've REALLY been able to see how my method of coping as a kid has REALLY screwed up my ability to be present in my M AND to let my H know how much I love him. He has really paid for a lot of crap that he didn't deserve.
Quote: In any case, I very much understand where you are coming from with regards to a fear of an A and being more of the "responsible" one. I've learned to let go quite a bit, be less anal, and just chill. Overall, it makes it easier for my W to be around me...especially when she isn't chillin'...
I think that I've mellowed out quite a bit too. Sometimes I get frustrated that I'm not sure that H sees it...or more to the point, that he's not giving me credit for how I've pulled my sorry self through the last 5 months. Of course, that could just be me NOT seeing how appreciative he HAS been because he hasn't come right out and said "You have amazed me with your strength and grace over the last 5 months. Thank you for working so hard on our M." Of course, he may be posting on a BB somewhere wondering if I've seen and acknowledged the changes that he's made, too....I know I've commented on them but I wonder if he's been able to hear what I'm saying!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, I'm glad the walk went well. I'm glad you held hands. The contact is important. I'm glad that you noticed positive interaction at dinner with H's parents. I believe that means that you are opening your eyes up more to the positive in your H.
Wanted to say thanks for sending me Calysta's thread. I did read it. I found it helpful, but today my mood is down.
Sage, I also have been reading through your thread. I have learned so much about you and your sitch. I believe that you have come a long way since you started posting based on your comments and advice to me. Thank you for being there for me. I also received several good ideas from reading your thread and the posting advice from Umbrella24, Edna, and Shiny Bear in your thread. They have given you alot of support. I plan to use some of the advice for my sitch.
Caz, Believing that the future will be brighter with God by my side.
Quote: I'm not sure what my point is here other than it made me really happy for him to see how well loved he is by his parents.
I don't know if you realize how significant this statement is. Be honest with yourself, would the old sage have truly felt so good about realizing that H's parents loved him so? I don't think so. Just another indication of how much you have grown. And there's so much more room for growth, so don't stop now. I like reading these happy stories, helps keep my hope up.
Jim
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Quoting Umbrella24: I don't know if you realize how significant this statement is. Be honest with yourself, would the old sage have truly felt so good about realizing that H's parents loved him so?
JIM!
You're right. Thank you for the kind words. It IS a sign of growth probably in a few different directions -- it may be that the biggest shift for me has been learning to "see" the many different ways that people show love, affection, admiration. I could FEEL their joy at being with him. I've been around them many times before and have never noticed it before -- wasn't paying attention!! (Or couldn't "hear" it).
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
