Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again When you say no to champagne....

Hey Jethro,

Quoting jethro:

---

- In the past, has your H ever given you exactly what you needed to feel as though you've had a comfortable R?

---

In our 7+ year marriage we've had periods of years where I felt emotionally satisfied -- where our time together was a real pleasure.

Some things during those time periods DID feel lacking, though. It's a bit hard to deceipher whether it was a lack from H, a lack in me or a bit of both. Regardless, what DID feel missing during that time:

1. Belief that my H. would be faithful -- this onus is pretty squarely on me. I've mentioned before that I've always had this sense of doom and gloom of "my H. will cheat on me then leave". I had a lot of trust issues, insecurities, etc. 'course it ended up being one of those cycles -- the more I felt insecure and untrusting, the more H. became secretive, etc.

Anyway -- I own this one. This M. or next R. I need to let go of the insecurity and desire to control.

2. The sense that H. was a "partner" in the M. -- In all of the 7 years that we've been married, I've felt as though I had to take care of the "responsible" stuff -- bills, dealing with the house, food shopping, everything small to big. A lot of times it made me feel angry, put upon. I also felt as though it was a sign that he wasn't really "into" being married.

Now, the truth is, though, that I'm much more of a worrier than H. and I'm sure I spent a lot more time and energy on stuff then was necessary. No doubt that had a lot to do with H's reluctance to get involved. If I'm busy freaking out about the littlest thing...I also had a lot of fear and insecurity around financial matters and I think I did a number on H. in that regard -- lots of controlling behaviors, freaking out, etc. Of course, the flip side was that I felt as though I were the ONLY one giving it any thought so I kind of felt justified in being overwrought...

NOW, the sad, wonderful, scary, joyful, weird, ridiculous fact is that a few months ago (maybe 1-2 months), H. was doing everything that I described above and more. He had filled in ALL of the missing pieces -- he was taking responsibility for so many things around the house, seemed really present, had stepped into the roles that I had been hoping for for SO LONG. So, what was the problem???? Well, I just didn't feel closure from H's A. I didn't feel healed -- didn't feel as though I had had THE conversation that I needed to have with him (he may disagree but in the 5 months since I found out about the A., we have talked VERY little about it). So, even though H was doing all this AWESOME stuff, I still felt so sad and scared and upset -- was he stil seeing ow, was he happy with me, was he still thinking about D, etc. Should have focused on the actions...instead of seeking out the words.

I described it on someone elses thread as their being a hole in my bucket....H was pouring all kinds of wonderful things into the bucket but so much of it was pouring out because the hole hadn't been filled in yet -- it needed to be filled in my his words, some reassurances, etc.

We finally had that conversation and frankly, it may just be a coincidence, but H. is MUCH more reserved and distant now. He told me during the conversation that he had been "loving me as much as" he could and "it still wasn't enough".

Quoting jethro:

---

- Is your H (again) giving you what you've previously felt satisfied with in the past, but you are unsatisfied with it because now that you've done lots of soul-searching, you know what you want?

---

No. I've pretty much always known what I've wanted. In my case, H. had really stepped up his efforts and through my soul-searching I realized that I HAD been expecting some things that weren't really fair to expect.

Let me add this, though....perhaps coincidentally, the wonderful H efforts seemed to stop when I approached him with my feelings, and words, and desire for reassurance from him that A. was over. I got a bit of a sense from him that he was frustrated with me that "5 months" after the fact, and with him trying so hard, that I just wasn't "over it". There's a part of me that feels angry about that -- partly because his expectation that 5 months was enough (I joked with my C. that it seemed to me that my healing should be allowed to last AT LEAST as long as their A. did) and partly because while H. WAS doing all these wonderful things, he had still REALLY rebelled against doing some things that I felt like I needed -- more talk about the A, more honesty around some areas of his life, etc.

So...the even longer version is that my soul-searching has actually helped me see the areas where I've been expecting TOO much. AND, I HAVE seen wonderful glimpses (more) of the M. that I want and the H. who is committed and present. I'd love to see him back again...

Sage

Journalling from yesterday...

I had made a "surprise dinner plan". Went to a new (to us) and nice restaurant -- dinner was good, company was good, etc.

What went well:
1. After a semi-rough start, H seemed to be less reserved, more comfortable with me. At a few points in the evening, I was just overwhelmed with how much I was enjoying talking with him

2. H. asked me about work and let me tell a LONG and drawn out story about it. He seemed interested and responsive. (He actually just mentioned it during our AM phone call).

3. Like the night before, H and I had a conversation while in bed (this time about hockey ). He was animated, turned towards me while talking, touched me, etc. It just felt really good.

what didn't go well:
1. H. has been really physically distant of late (in a relative sense). When I got home from work it was more of the same -- I did a crappy job of acting "as if". I definitely showed my disappointment. About 10 minutes after I got home he asked me for a "big hug" and he gave me a long, passionate kiss. Can't complain AT ALL about that but I hope it wasn't guilt induced (by my sad face...).

Sage

Quote:

---

that ow is somehow getting off here scott free. I want to see her (haven't since pre-bomb) and just look her in the eye. I want to should it from the rooftops. I want to make her pay.

---

Sage, you know that the OW is meaningless. Trust me, she's not getting off scott free. None of them will. I believe in karma, so to me, all of these people that feel the need to mess around with married folks will get theirs in the end. It may not be real comforting now, but you will have satisfaction once it is over.

Jim

Sage, just popped in to update myself on your sitch.

Looks like "piecing" has it's own brand of rollercoaster.

You've come such a long way, it must be difficult grappling with issues you thought you'd put down before.

No doubt, a part of you is exhausted by this marathon that you did not sign up for.
I can't say that there's a finish line out there for any of us, but I think at some point we'll be allowed to just walk the rest of the distance.

Jeannine

Oh Sage, I'm sorry you are going through a rough emotional phase right now. I understand your desire to see the OW. But that really would not be good except for you to vent. It would make you feel better temporarily, but make the DBing progress you've accomplished so far take more backward steps.

Focus on the positive. I like your new short term goals. What will you do when your H puts his arm around you in the AM?

Hope today and tonight are more upbeat for you!! Remember to act as if. You have given me good advice in the past. I want to encourage you to stay focused on you and what you want. Don't forget to look for the baby step rewards. Caz

Hey Jim,

It's nice to see you! I miss my burrito eating bowling pal! I know, I know about ow. AND, I too believe in karma so I'll let the universe handle it. I'd still like to smash her one, though

Sage

Quoting Jeannine:

---

Looks like "piecing" has it's own brand of rollercoaster.

---

jeannine -- Ah, 'tis true! I have taken some comfort in the "fact" that we ARE on more solid ground than just a few short months ago. The lows are less low, maybe?

Gotta remind myself often that I'm GROWING thru this -- no matter what happens, I'll be stronger.

I'm not ashamed to admit, though, that I sometimes yearn for the days when I didn't question my every move in my M.

Sage

Caz -- I've seen you on the boards today giving wonderful advice to folks...thanks for including me on your tour!!!

In the spirit of focusing on the positive, let me note a few "what went well" things today...

1. H asked about some specific questions about my job this morning. Good stuff

2. When H called in the afternoon, he did an impression to start...he is so funny and talented!

3. He asked when he would see my "smiling face"

We're going for a walk tonight -- perhaps winter on the east coast has finally left??? We jumped right into summer (if only temporarily!) -- it's 82 here and GORGEOUS!

Sage

Sage, great postive steps. Enjoy the walk, maybe you will hold hands. I always enjoy seeing couples do that, puts that special feeling in your heart.

Glad the weather is nice in east coast. The midwest has finally had 3 days of sunshine, but the cool off is coming for Easter.

Post how the evening went. Caz

hahahahaha -- Who says astrology isn't real...read below my 'scope!

You know perfectly well where you ought to draw the line. You dont need me or anyone else to tell you. You have much more common-sense than most other people realise. Indeed, you deliberately go to some lengths to keep them in the dark about your ability to be sage . If they knew how wise you really were they would expect and demand far more from you. And you are not so silly as to let that happen! You have weighed up, very carefully, the element of risk in your current situation. You are handling it well. Dont let a fleeting moment of false doubt spoil a smart strategy.

Sage