arrgh. Note to self -- my calling H. from work does not go well and doesn't get me closer to my goal.
Having a crappy day at work. Had one yesterday too. Came "this close" to quitting yesterday (and that is NOT my style). Common sense + fact that H. isn't working + crappy job market made me NOT quit.
H. isn't feeling well. His back is still bothering him + his stomach too. I sent him a chatty email early this AM -- he called around noon, conversation went ok.
Anyway, was feeling like I wanted to chat with someone so I called him (don't usually do that). He sounded distracted (TV? Guess he hasn't read DB I always put down my book, turn away from the tv and/or stop looking at things on my computer when he calls). My asking questions of him doesn't go well usually -- today is no exception. Tried to talk a bit about what was going on with work but got very little comment/attention in return.
He's sick + distracted + I'm needy for conversation + have expectations on how it should go = crappy conversation.
Ah, well. 'tis done.
Key right now is to shake it off, go get my haircut + pick up chinese food and NOT let it bum me out anymore. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake.
Would love to meet someone for a drink or dinner and actually talk about what's going on with me for a change...
whoops --
OK Real time Update
H. called as I was writing this. He called to apologize for being distracted when I had called. Said that he had bought me a present and had been in the middle of putting it together when I had called. OK, first reason that he said he had been distracted was that he was "an As*&OLE" but I quickly disabused him of that notion.
SO....note to self -- all is not lost if H. is distracted when you call him -- sometimes it means that he has bought you a gift (a combo dvd player and vcr) and is trying to put it together.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Not sure this post is gonna make sense to anyone but me...but thought I'd capture the event anyway!
Trudged into work this morning feeling a bit sad. Last night was good -- got my haircut, got some chinese food. Got home and H said some good stuff (but no compliment about my awesome haircut! rats!). Held hands a bit while watching tv, etc.
Still have this undercurrent that something's wrong, though. Is it his back? His stomach? Something else? Me? Feeling down made me feel even MORE down -- wouldn't his response be "what more do I have to do to make you happy? You'll never be happy." Is that true? Thinking about it made me sad. Felt broken, wished for a time when I felt OK in my own skin, not like someone who wishes her heart could mend. Dragged myself even further down wondering if there IS something wrong with me -- (well, beyond the things I post about!). Wondered if a new relationship was the way to go. Wondered if I'd just carry the same old crap there. Wondered if anyone would ever find me attractive, want to date me, want to marry me.
Came in and read shiny's thread. Then Teach. Then this morning LL captured SO many of my thoughts.
H. called. Had an ok conversation but halfway through was back to feeling sorry for myself. What is bothering him? Why does he seem so distant? Or is it me? Why can't I be back in an R. where things didn't feel so conflicted? We WERE that way once tho' it's been more than a year.
THEN, I had to call H. for some info. He picked up the phone in a rush and when I asked what was up he said somewhat sourly "I was bringing the groceries in and I HAD to run upstairs to pick up the phone". Light goes off, mood lightens. No you didn't. You didn't HAVE to run upstairs to pick up the phone. You chose to. Be grumpy about it if you want but it's your own choice.
Just like it's my choice. I don't know why but his irritation over something that he chose to do just unblocked me. I don't own his distance -- I own mine. I don't own his feelings -- I own mine. I don't own his views or commitment to our M. I own mine.
What do I want? I want to feel and be strong, to feel and be happy, to feel and be loved and loving. I own that too.
I'm not saying all my fears have evaporated. I'm just saying that it was a kick in the pants. H. can have "itchy butt" -- so can I -- there's no rules around how I "have to feel". Frankly, today I'm choosing to feel good about me.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: What do I want? I want to feel and be strong, to feel and be happy, to feel and be loved and loving. I own that too.
I'm not saying all my fears have evaporated. I'm just saying that it was a kick in the pants. H. can have "itchy butt" -- so can I -- there's no rules around how I "have to feel". Frankly, today I'm choosing to feel good about me.
something I realized myself last night too...that I own half of the tension in this house...last night after my insanity while laying in bed with h trying to sleep...I could feel the tension...I couldn't sleep...I ached for h to put an arm around me to ease my tension but he did not...I decided I could just calm down myself...let go of my tension...I did...it was liberating...as I felt my tension ease..h moved...felt like his tension lifted a bit as well but then I expected more and alas my tension returned...I didn't take ownership of it and had to sleep in another bed...choosing to not fight the tense feelings anymore.
what a struggle we have!! will it get easier...h and I both certainly hope so.
Sage, Sorry you're feeling down. I liked how you ended up thinking after your conversations. I know that I feel alot of the things you expressed so eloquently in your note.
I took your comment to mean, you own your own actions and you shouldn't blame others for how you are feeling. Is this a good interpretation? Remember to let H's attitude roll off of you when H is crabby.
I'm lucky I found this BB. It is helping me focus on me. It helps to know there are people to talk to when you feel down.
Thinking of you and hoping your day gets brighter. Caz
Sage, I replied to your post on my thread. Thanks for posting. It must be going around, our feelings of not being enough, wondering what's going on, etc.
I have no idea why. I really need to catch up on some people's threads. I haven't been posting to anyone lately, just drowning in my own stuff I guess.
Take care, I'll check in later. Also, check out my reply to you on my thread, I have a great picture that I'd like to be able to share.
H. just called to tell me that he's going to the bball game next week (Thursday). Cool. He's going with the same social group that used to include ow. Also, the next night he's hanging out with them too.
OK. So...could he at least hint, intimate, blurt out outright, etc. whether or not she's going to be there? Early after finding out about the A. I put my foot down and so no more to him hanging out with her in that group. That made things pretty awkward -- can't just tell the group that you're not going because you've had an A with one of the other members of the group....ow never bowed out of any of the social events (and actually expressed dismay when she wasn't invited to something!) so H. has had to make excuses at the last minute.
I THINK she's not part of the group anymore. I don't know. H. would know. Couldn't he tell me? Couldn't he just freaking bring it up? Couldn't he bluntly say "ow is not invited" or "here are the people who are going" or a jillion other things?
Bad DB'ing to actually give a rat's a$$ I suppose.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I always put down my book, turn away from the tv and/or stop looking at things on my computer when he calls). My asking questions of him doesn't go well usually -- today is no exception. 
Tried to talk a bit about what was going on with work but got very little comment/attention in return. 
OK, first reason that he said he had been distracted was that he was "an As*&OLE" but I quickly disabused him of that notion.