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Sage - I am so jealous of your wine tasting party!

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I finally told him that he's been hypercritical all day and he apologized. Where the loving and romantic H of a few days ago? Now he just seems irritable to be around me.

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Could be just that H wants to make a good impression for the party. At least he recognizes how he has been treating you and apologized. Monitor for the next day or so to see if his mood persists.

Enjoy the party!

Sage,

Probably just a thang...maybe he was disappointed in the concert? Felt time pressure with the cleaning? (Hey! I'm a slob too, but then H is worse than me ) Was concerned about the party?

Hey, we're all entitled to being a little snippy now and again. Perhaps now he'll be a little more tolerant the next time you're in a bit of a mood!

Shiny

Hey, SAD's W is posting!

Hey guys -- Thanks for reminding me to cut H. some slack. I long for the days when I won't be so overly sensitive to everything -- wait a minute, have I ever been that way? Not really. Hmmmm. Totally within my control!!!!

The party went well. People seemed to have a good time. We consumed vast quantities of champagne and food! A rousing success.

I'm grateful to not have a hangover this morning. I've got a paper to write for school that I've been dragging my feet on. Gonna run some errands first. H. is at baseball practice.

This morning was lovely with him. He got up before me and spent a while on the computer. I was a bit concerned (arrrgh. must stop thinking about ow and things that I cannot control!) but it turns out he was putting together his first semester's schedule (law school). He came back to bed and snuggled with me while he told me about it. awesome stuff.

Got a super passionate kiss as he was leaving for practice.

It's rainy here so I'm expecting a quiet afternoon of me slaving over my paper and H. watching tv (basketball? baseball?)

Tomorrow's opening day of MLB!!!! Go Red Sox!!!

Sage

Mini-rant coming...

Went out to do errands. H. came home just before I left.

I was gone for ~ an hour. When I came home, he was upstairs as expected -- it sounded like he was moving from one room to another. Came upstairs and found him in the tv room as though he had been there for a while but saw that the computer must have been used in the last 5 minutes (screen was refreshed). Couldn't catch myself before my heart closed down -- Made HUGE mental ASSumptions -- must have been on computer emailing ow, IM'ing her, whatever. Reminded me of email I found from her (when bomb dropped) that showed that he had emailed her after his bball All-Star game -- the game that I sat through in the freezing cold and cheered him on -- took him all of 5 minutes THEN after getting home before he was on-line emailing her.

NOW? Who knows?

Why do I find myself back with the fear and the closed heart over things that I cannot control?

Why can't I remember how I've been yearning for the return of my romantic and loving partner and that this does NOTHING to get me there?

Why can't I let go of stuff that I know NOTHING about? And never will?

arrgh.

Sage

That's tough, Sage.

I, of course, know exactly what you felt there. That sickening, dropping stomach, heart pounding, dizzying fear.

I used to get that a lot in the early days, but now, if anything it's just a blip that I can right.

For example now when H is on the computer, I do look to see what bars are on the bottom. It used to make my hands sweat.

Now, I don't know, because things are so much better in general for us (as they are for you) I don't find my reactions to be as extreme.

How long would you say the negative residue lingered after this incident??

I have more thoughts, but I think you're on the bb right now, so I'll check back in in a bit.

Shiny

Quoting shinybear:

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How long would you say the negative residue lingered after this incident??

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SB -- Well, it was brief -- until the phone rang and we got our second hangup call of the day.

I am ASSuming the ow would not be so stupid as to call here when there's even the slightest possibility that I would be home -- still -- who else calls on a Sunday and hangs up?

I am allowing my insecurities and mistrust and fears to get the better of me. This is crazy! I cannot control this. I have no reason to think that ANYTHING untoward is going on. And yet, I put myself back in this cheeseless tunnel again and again. I have to stop doing this to myself.

Sage

And now a hang-up??? Get caller ID, $3.95 a month here. Worth it.

(((((((Sage))))))))

I've been down that tunnel and it sucks.

I don't know exactly why, Sage, but for me I'm feeling those "twinges" less and less. Perhaps it's H planning my party, doing stuff. Saying ILY. etc.

But I think that it has more to do with the trust in MYSELF that I've discovered for the first time in my life these past several months.

It's the part of me that KNOWS that I can handle anything, that even if my H and OW were still in touch, I could handle it. It might mean the end of my M (maybe not, depends on the circumstances) but I can survive that, painful as it would be.

Having this basic self-trust takes some of the power away from the external world's ability to "harm us".

Does this make any sense?

Shiny

Quoting shinybear:

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And now a hang-up??? Get caller ID, $3.95 a month here. Worth it.

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We have it. Not every number shows up unfortunately. Actually, it occurred to me that if ow IS calling, this may signal that she's getting careless and losing it a bit. Slow and steady...

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I don't know exactly why, Sage, but for me I'm feeling those "twinges" less and less. Perhaps it's H planning my party, doing stuff. Saying ILY. etc.

But I think that it has more to do with the trust in MYSELF that I've discovered for the first time in my life these past several months.

It's the part of me that KNOWS that I can handle anything, that even if my H and OW were still in touch, I could handle it. It might mean the end of my M (maybe not, depends on the circumstances) but I can survive that, painful as it would be.

Having this basic self-trust takes some of the power away from the external world's ability to "harm us".

Does this make any sense?

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You're making perfect sense. Regardless of what else is going on in my M or my life, I'm only going to have the "security" (ha) I'm looking for when I develop that "core" of self-trust. Because there IS no security. And everything changes. I am really and truly the only constant in my life and that's only until I'm no longer here....

I'm not sure why I'm getting stuck again. I know I could take care of myself. I know that it would open up new avenues for me. Yes, it would be a different life but it would be a life nonetheless. I think I'm getting mired in feeling possibly "duped", "taken advantage of", " not chosen" (OK, I'm really stuck on the notion that ow has gotten away scott-free here -- there's a not so small part of me that wants a "scene" where people end up seeing her for who she is and what she has done. How perverse.)

I have to reground myself. I'm thinking of this as growing pains.

Thanks for hanging out with me!

Sage

Here's my freaking hororscope for the week:

One minute, we are sailing on life’s sea with hardly a care then, someone says something – or something crops up. We receive a bill. We overhear a cruel comment. We get into an argument. Suddenly, we are lost in the ocean of angst. It’s strange how something so easy to enter can be so hard to escape. Sometimes, we never get back out again. And sometimes, something happy happens and it helps us to forget. But in order to be saved, we have to hold out our hand for the rescuing rope. Many delightful developments offer you the chance to put a difficulty behind you this week. But Pluto will keep inviting you to dwell on all you find disagreeable. Don’t. As soon as you stop worrying, all will start to improve.

Sage

No problem, doll, I LIKE hangin' with you!

And that horoscope!! OMG!

(where do you find those? I'm rather skeptical, but in reading others.... )


Shiny