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Hey guys -- A shameless bump for myself

What went well yesterday:
1. H. went out of his way and brought me lunch at school
2. H. told me "I love you and would do nothing to jeopardize that"
3. H and I had a relaxing early evening just lounging around, talking, drinking champagne

What didn't go well:
1. Had kind of a weird moment when I first got home. H said that he had emailed his former company about this short term consulting work. He said "If this works out maybe I'll see if I can work there 20 hours a week". I'm sure I went pale, said "um, well, I wouldn't really feel good about that". H. realized what was happening at the same time I realized that my statement was kind of controlling so we were both backpedalling at the same time. He did say that he wouldn't even do this short stint if I was uncomfortable with it. Not "bad" really just weird.

Sage

Hey Sage,

My 2 cents. I think you are right that this is a big opportunity to show your H that you have changed. I think that resisting, rather than celebrating this possible work ay have the following results:

1) Showing him you "can't change".
2) Undermining his role as a strong man and husband, as an equal partner.
3) If he doesn't work, this wil only contribute to his depression.
4) If you don't risk it, you'll just be hanging onto insecurity, rather than overcoming it.
5) You will demonstrate that you don't believe what he says.
6) You will make OW more attractive.
7)- 1,000,000,000) I bet you can fill them in...

My suggestion would be to ask for a do over. Tell him--and be--excited about this wonderful opportunity for him. Tell him you fully support this choice as his choice. That you are proud of his efforts to found work, and are not at all surprised that his company would want such a great guy back. That you see this as an opportunity for you too--to show that you trust him, to work on your insecurity. that you are sorry you rained on his parade. Explain that you expect this may be awkward at times for both of you, but that this doesn't need to be a stumbling block in your R, or in his career. But, you'd like to do some brainstorming around likely scenarios. Do this is a security-building exercise, not an insecurity-needy-help me exercise. Cheer for your H, come on, he's doing this for you, for himself as a man, and for your R.

Think about someone in the past who you dated briefly. Aren't there cases where it was really just over--nothing there? The more you are with, and for, your H, the more he is likely to be repulsed by OW.

You are strong. You two are strong. You can do it! It is a wonderful new chance on the horizon in so many ways. I'm not saying it won't be hard. I understand your worries, your dismay, your pain (how could he think of doing this to me)... But, I really think is in a different place with respect to OW than you. Don't let *her* control your lives.

OK, maybe 10 cents, rather than 2 cents.... You may have noticed that LL threw my last 2x4 right back at me :-)

You are doing great:-)
Acorn

arrgh. Gonna post this here (in lieu of addressing with H) -- gotta stop my mind from reeling.

H. just left after bringing me lunch at school. (He did this same wonderful thing yesterday -- his idea. Today I kind of asked him to do it..) Anyway -- since lunch yesterday, things feel weird. The best way I can say it is that it almost seems like he's acting "as if" he wants to be with me (but maybe doesn't). He seems reserved, he seems standoffish a bit, last night he seemed so "unphysical" with me when we were sitting on the couch. Usually he's touching me or holding my hand while were watching TV -- last night -- nothing.

He doesn't seem mad or sad just distant. When I can't control it, my mind is reeling -- that the two R talks have reminded him of the reasons why he wanted to leave in the first place, that they stirred up his desire to be "alone", that this opportunity to go back to work however briefly has reignited his interest in ow or, at the very least, put them back into contact again. A thousand things -- none of them good.

This morning I had to remind myself over and over again that I got what I wanted in the R. talks and that it would be "just like me" to start spinning now. I don't want to create more problems here -- especially if they're self-created, but I'm just having a REALLY strong feeling that something's going on. Crap.

anyway, not planning on doing anything about it. I had my "as if" cap screwed on tightly last weekend (thanks to you guys!) and I'll be sure to have it on for as long as it takes for me to get out of this mood. We DO have plans to go to the movies tonight so perhaps that will break the spell.

--Sage

Hi Sage. What movie did you see? Was it up to the task of distracting you?

Wow, this is tough! First let me tell you that I think it's rather normal for you to have these bad feelings, but are they substantiated? That's a whole different story.

I honestly would freak out if H had to have a working R of any kind (or any contact at all) with OW. The insecurities would run wild. But that's probably all they are, Sage.

But on the other hand, this IS a prime dbing opportunity and some of the others have given great advice re making "how to handle this" a bit of joint effort.

Wish I knew what was the "right" thing to do here, but certainly no more than YOU do!

Keep us posted!

Shiny

Hey guys,

WE saw "Spider" -- It was interesting and served the distraction purpose until we came home (late) and H. went in to check his email before coming to bed. He was only in there for a second and I'm sure there are thousands of things that he could have been checking for but it just turned my stomach. I did a lousy job of acting "as if" and went to be feeling and probably acting very sad. There's a tension here this morning.

I'm still struggling with just giving up control of this (obviously). I can feel the resistance here and I know that it is doing absolutely nothign to getting me toward my goal of a loving and stable M. I'm tired of basing how I feel about myself and my M. on how H. has behaved that day OR on how I've interpreted his behavior. Isn't he entitled to off moments? Aren't I? I read over my thread and thing "wow, there's so much good here" and then I get stuck in "does he love me. does he want me. how could he hurt me that way. why is he so intolerant of the time it's taking me/us to heal." etc.

So..what went well yesterday:
1. H. was talking about long term plans for the backyard. I love to hear him talk about things in the future. It gives me hope.

2. H. told me that he was very proud of me regarding my commitment to school. This was lovely to hear

3. We DID have a good night -- movie and dinner.

What didn't go well:
You already know.

I need to do something different. We're going to be like two ships passing in the night today -- as we have been for the past few days...maybe that's all it is, not enough quality time together.

As for the working together thing -- I'm going to use the short term job as a DB'ing opportunity. I'm not interested in H. having long term contact with ow through work and don't feel too badly about not wanting that. Simply put, there's no financial reason why he HAS to take a job there -- if he wants to go back to that type of work, he can get another job someplace else. I'm sure that's bad DB'ing -- but I don't see any reason for him to put himself in the line of fire, or me for that matter.

I once described the A. as "Sage working on her trust issues by taking a drink from a fire hose". Having H. work in the same place as ow would be going directly to the hydrant. I'm working hard enough as it is.

Sage

Ok -- just got back from Yoga. Feeling a bit better, mainly because H. waited for me instead of going to bball practice before I got home from the gym. I was in such a negative and scared mood before I saw him - and this one small gesture made me feel ok.

This does not seem like a good thing. (the fact he made the gesture seems good -- it's my being dependent on them that isn't).

When did I lose my "core" of feeling like an ok person?

I have an opportunity coming up -- it's come about in kind of a perverse manner but -- H. is going to be spending a lot more time out of the house soon -- he's joined the guard (which means 1 weekend of the month away) and in august he'll be starting school. I know it doesn't seem particularly strong minded or db'centric but this will force me to start pulling back pieces of my life and self.

What a little basket case!!!

Sage

Sage, I for one am with you on NOT being okay with your H working on a full time, ongoing basis where OW works.

I was thinking about your dillemma and Dr. Phil's face came to mind. You DO know what he would say to your H right? "WHAT are you thinking??? That your W should be okay knowing you're seeing this ow every day at work...GET REAL!"

But we do know that Dr. Phil has his own ideas and his stance on contact with former OP is simple: Don't do it...get another job, move, whatever it takes.

This is going to be very trying for you (is H taking the consulting gig for sure? How long will it last?). H may be on the lookout for signs of "irrationality" and "weakness" or whatever on your part.

What to do? Act as if (there's zip going on there, H is fully trustworthy)? And come on here to vent? Do more stuff for yourself?

You know we're here for you Sage!

Shiny

Quoting shinybear:

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Sage, I for one am with you on NOT being okay with your H working on a full time, ongoing basis where OW works.

I was thinking about your dillemma and Dr. Phil's face came to mind. You DO know what he would say to your H right? "WHAT are you thinking??? That your W should be okay knowing you're seeing this ow every day at work...GET REAL!"

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You've got Dr. Phil down pat SB. Thanks for the laugh! (And good advice)

Quote:

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This is going to be very trying for you (is H taking the consulting gig for sure? How long will it last?). H may be on the lookout for signs of "irrationality" and "weakness" or whatever on your part.

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Yah, he's definitely taking it tho' he did say yesterday that he wouldn't if it really bothered me. It should only be a few days. I don't know when it's going to start but I'm guessing some time this week.

Quote:

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What to do? Act as if (there's zip going on there, H is fully trustworthy)? And come on here to vent? Do more stuff for yourself?

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Yes, yes and yes. This will be me honing my DB skills!

Quote:

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You know we're here for you Sage!

Shiny

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I do know that! And thank you for it!

Sage

I'm all over the map today....

I went out to the mall shopping so I had some time to myself. On the way home I came to this realization...

My H. has shown me over the last few months that he IS willing to be an equal partner in this M. So many of the behaviors that felt unbearable to me (withholding, not interested in our future, not interested in the house, cleaning, our finances, etc) are gone.

Do you ever ask yourself this question -- if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I stay married? 8 months ago I think I would have wavered on the answer -- (note that my M. isn't about money the lottery aspect is just to imply that I could create a new life anywhere, anyhow). Asking myself that question today, the answer is a solid YES.

He is present. He is trying every day. He has unblocked so many of his issues -- all of them? probably not -- but he is acting invested in our M. in a way that he never has.

If I stay mired in this state, I will lose what I have wanted. I believe that I WILL drive him away. Not that it isn't fair to be sad and angry during the healing process. Of course it is, but, I'm stuck way more than he is right now.

My H wants a M that is relaxed and loving and unchaotic. For a long time, my anger was centered around the fact that he seemed unable to connect with me -- so much of that seems to be gone -- and yet my anger remains.

I'm not beating myself up here -- I just came to the recognition today that I need to strengthen myself. I need to get away from the fear and anxiety which clouds my days.

I have a C appt tomorrow -- we'd been focusing on the A and how it's made me feel. I'm not even interested in talking about ow tomorrow. It's time to take the focus off of everything and everyone else and put it on me.

Sage

Excellent!! (in the tone of Mr. Burns from the Simpsons)

What, is it my day for impressions??

Shiny