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Hi all,

Just a forewarning that this is going to be an analytical post -- the kind that would make my H's head explode if he saw it ("See, this is exactly what I mean! Why can't you let things be?) I guess that's why I'm posting it here in lieu of discussing it with him!

I also want to get off of my chest that I am sad right now. I'm also very hopeful -- and that will be the focus -- but there's a part of me that is feeling very scared for my M.



I've been lucky enough and worked hard enough at DB'ing to have seen some amazing changes in my M. over the last 4 months since the Bomb. I've managed to survive without losing my mind and H. has shown me so much love and energy and intimacy that it has blown my mind. It hasn't been a linear process in the least -- there have been stops and starts and I've blown it on more than one occasion -- but I'd say without reservation that we have moved our R. up more than a few steps to a place where we enjoy each other's company again. Actually, truth be told, there are now aspects of our M. that are far superior to our M. at ANY point -- H's willingness to participate in the partnership is one example.

Now that the din of "Do we love each other anymore" has quieted, other things are being heard. Areas that were hidden in crisis mode are now exposed. H has been telling me loudly and clearly how he feels about "us" and as I've said before -- his assessment has reinforced the things that I had determined for myself. It's scarier and harder to hear them from him...but, the way is clear.

I think the primary statement that H would make is that despite all of the good stuff that has been going on, "Sage is still not happy" and then he would add his editorial comment "and never will be". This is the kick in the pants that I've needed to see that I've remained mired in sadness and fear. That I haven't truly forgiven him for the A. That I haven't forgiven myself for the self-perception that I am flawed so drastically that I drove him to it. That I have clearly not forgive ow for her part in this sorded sitch. My lack of forgiveness keeps me revisiting and questioning. I'm not sure where I am with coming to closure but I know that I need to do it. H. has helped with the R talks of last week. IMHO, the consulting assignment for H. is the universe giving me an opportunity to let go.

The strongest message that I'm getting from H. is that he is feeling the pressure of being married to me. This is a byproduct of so many things -- my anxiety and fear (primary root cause is my lack of belief in myself, secondary cause is my inability to let go of A), my overanalyzation of everything (case in point here -- right? Same root causes -- an attempt to control the sitch that cannot be controlled) and just my general dependence/pressure on him -- lots of this is due to my lack of self, some is due to the fact that I was so focused on H and M that I stopped doing things outside of our M, some of it is the residual "there must be something to fix here" mantra that I've embraced for so long.

So...lots of musings but where are the actions? Here's a synopsis of what I've said above. What adjectives would H. use to describe me now?:

Anxious
Nervous
Unhappy
Overanalyzing
Dependent
Pressuring
Angry
Full of Expectation
A time bomb waiting to go off
Never satisfied

What actions can I be taking to offset the above? What are my 180s? I think they boil down to a few key elements:

1. I need to let go of A., let go of mistrust and desire to control and move forward in a trusting way. (Will add actions..)

2. I need to "get a life" so that I'm not in H's hip pocket. Concretely -- I need to back off from him -- I've been VERY much "in his face" in terms of demanding affection, intimacy, etc. Letting him take the lead was working great -- gotta get back there.

3. I need a way to work through my emotions myself -- like, the other night when H was checking email. What could I have done that would have made ME feel better? Him?

4. I need to figure out a non-destructive way to articulate my feelings when they're appropriate to express. The "ticking time bomb" stuff has got to stop.

I'm not sure how clear I've made this (it was a lot more clear in my head!) but I know it's long. Gonna wrap it up and post a new post on ACTIONS.

Sage

Sage -
I agree with others here that taking a permanent job with this company would be a bad idea. As for the temporary assignment - my H and I had a discussion last week about what we would do in certain theoretical future situations - for example, if OW comes back to work at H's jobsite (she's a travelling nurse and has family in town so that is very possible) or if we were to run into her when we are out together surfing, etc. H also had had some convos with his C about how he would handle it if OW came to see him at work. I think it helps him mentally to be prepared and helps me to know that he has a plan and won't just get sucked back in.

Two things that might help in your sitch: 1) have an honest convo with H about how he plans to handle things if OW shows up at his desk or invites him out to lunch or whatever.
2) Has H ever had a definitive "leave me alone" convo with the OW? I felt a lot better after my H sent the definitive "don't contact me again" email to the OW. Is there perhaps a way for your H to email OW and tell her he will be working there temporarily, that he is putting his marriage back together and desires no contact with her when he is there? (And how often can you join him for lunch at this job? Be visible!)

As for your "sabotaging" emotions - i think it's common at this point, after the focus shifts a little from all our goal-oriented DBing, we have to deal with some of the painful emotions we had to stuff down (and that our H's may still not be up to dealing with). Also - it's scary to be vulnerable in the R again. I find exercise helps, the "stop sign" technique helps, and spending lots of quality time together helps. I seem most vulnerable when we drift back into our busy routine and aren't really "connecting" as much during the day - I am still rather dependent on hearing those positive affirmations from my H. Fortunately my H's business schedule gave us several weekends away just when we needed them the most.

Ellie

Hi Sage,

I like your analytical mind very much.

As for all those horrid feelings you are going through, I'm right there with you. As you know, I'm still battling my own demons as well.

Wish I had some words of wisdom to give you, however, they probably would be the very words you have given me.

So all I can do at this point is to let you know that I'm right beside you in spirit.

Jeannine

Would you be surprised to hear ME say I like your analytical mind too??

Great stuff here Sage. Some of it sends chills down my spine. I wonder what my H would feel reading your thread? You articulate some of my own "issues" so very well.

Shiny

Sage,

I'm at a loss for words today. suprising since I usually can't stop typing all the thoughts in my head!!

Your list of what your H may be thinking of you is a really good place to start, but instead of just focusing on the negative, why don't you sit down and make a list of all the positive things he would have to say about you, too. That way you can see some of what you're doing right. Give yourself a pat on the back for getting your R to this point. You have been doing a lot of good things too. We all do some negative things...its human nature. I think the goal is just not to do MORE negative than positive.

Make that positive list and soon. We all need to see it, most of all YOU.


Take care,

Erin

Quoting kml:

---

As for your "sabotaging" emotions - i think it's common at this point, after the focus shifts a little from all our goal-oriented DBing, we have to deal with some of the painful emotions we had to stuff down (and that our H's may still not be up to dealing with). Also - it's scary to be vulnerable in the R again. I find exercise helps, the "stop sign" technique helps, and spending lots of quality time together helps. I seem most vulnerable when we drift back into our busy routine and aren't really "connecting" as much during the day - I am still rather dependent on hearing those positive affirmations from my H. Fortunately my H's business schedule gave us several weekends away just when we needed them the most.

Ellie

---

Ellie -- Thanks for coming by and for reminding me of all of the reasons why I might be a bit mired in muck right now. I was busy beating myself up yesterday morning for being "stuck" and then I reminded myself that I'm afraid and that my fear, while perhaps not completely productive, isn't aimed at hurting H. or penalizing him, but is just a byproduct of everything that I've gone through.

Recognizing it as fear helped calm me down quite a bit.

Sage

Jeaninne, SB and Erin -- Thanks so much for coming by! I like my analytical mind too but like every other trait, it can certainly be taken to an extreme.

SB -- Has your H shown any renewed interest in coming to the boards? I'd be proud to have him read my thread!

Erin -- I'm not sure if I left you with the wrong impression! The list of negatives is kind of the nth degree of what I think H would say if he were REALLY pissed off at me. When I started DB'ing, a list like it really made a big difference in setting up my 180s. As for the positive list, I think H would say:

Smart
Ambitious
Caring
Strong
Concerned
Focused
Funny
Sweet
Successful
Capable

Who knows what else?

Yesterday was a good day -- I had a C. appointment which was focused around reworking my "waiting for the shoe to drop" lifelong attitude. Nothing concrete came out of it (drat) so I've gotta put some actions down for myself. At a minimum, I need to keep meditating, keep reminding myself that my "worst case scenario stories" are harmful to me (so don't do 'em!), keep focusing on the positive, act "as if", etc.

H. met me after the C session and we went to dinner. He was very verbal about how happy he was to see me! He suggested that we go home and "snuggle" on the couch. Told me how much he loved being with me. All good stuff.

He sent in a proposal to his old job re. working there -- they came back and said it looked good but that it might take 2-4 weeks to get the equipment ordered. Plenty of time for me to firmly attach my DB cap.

Tonight we're going out to buy a case of champagne... Seriously! We're having some friends over for a "champagne tasting". These are H's friends from old work -- ow came to more than one of these events during the A. You probably know she's not on the guest list this time around!

Here's to a positive day of enjoying and appreciating the wonderful things in my life!!!

Sage

Hi Sage,

Just wanted to check in and see how your sitch is progressing. It certainly looks good from here.

My H is still residing at home, but it feels like in "body only". He's claiming a bad back and tiredness.

I got reweighed yesterday at the doctor's, gained a whole half a pound after a month. Whooppee.... I'm now a measly 97lbs. Before the bomb, I weighed 115-118lbs. Trying the Ensure weight gain and heavy cream along with a little more food. Tough going down.

Keep up the good work sweetie, I'm cheering for you.

Jeannine

Jeanine, can I loan you 8 or so of the lbs I gained back since things have been going better in my sitch?

Hi Sage,

Did I recommend "Emotional Alchemy" to you? Yes, I think you said you had borrowed it from the library. READ IT!

I started it over again last night and it really has a lot to offer. It's like the "Power of Now" book, but with real work on our internal schemas and life-long mistaken beliefs that derail us. In fact, I'd recommend getting a copy of your own, it's one of those that you don't want to rush through and can turn to again and again when you need it.

Take care!

Shiny

If only you could mail me those 8lbs.!

I must look like a smiling skeleton to my H. I'm not exactly the picture of health and serenity, my body keeps telling on me.

I'm glad your sitch is looking so good.
Reading about other peoples triumphs gives me a measure of hope.