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I wholeheartedly agree with everything RedHeadWife said!! Well said!!! Some days you feel great, others you don't, sometimes it's an hour by hour deal. But the more time and patience you give it, the better it gets, the better you feel. It's always good to sleep on things before reacting or responding. I like the 48 hr rule idea.

I really think having patience and fortitude is what makes women so good at DBing and R.

thanks everyone for the advice. I'm already regretting talking to him about the "openess" that I would like to have in our M. He obviously isn't ready for that as he doesn't trust me either. Vicious cycle huh? I'm realizing that with my H everything is going to have to go slowly as he doens't like to feel in any way that he is being rushed, pushed, controlled or having things demanded from him. I really didn't think I was being demanding or controlling since I was just asking for openess so that trust could be rebuilt. the advice has been great and I appreciate it. He caught a cold while he was here so isn't feeling well right now. I know I can't control what will happen but I am so worried that he won't be back next weekend. Part of me feels like he doens't want to work as hard to save our M as I do.

good morning everyone. Well, we must have gotten past the upset on Saturday. We stayed up until 1 last night playing a game online. That's good. He was upset over our talk. I told him that I think talking is good and that it is progress even if we don't agree. We need to be talking and that it's more than what we were doing. That way feelings don't get repressed, turn into resentment and then anger. He is still planning on coming home this weekend. So I need to make sure I don't upset the apple cart before then. What's interesting to me is that he gets upset over our talk but seems to not even think I might be hurting over his A with the OW.

I don't know if this is journaling or just venting but oh well. I feel pretty crappy today. I know, I have no trust for H. My feelings are hurt too so maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I was talking online with H yesterday and he's making dinner for him and his parents. A really good dinner nothing like what he got to make for us while he was here. I guess I should be thankful that he was planning on it. I started (I know I need to not think about OW) thinking of everything he has bought and share with the OW and got really depressed. I feel like he has put effort into everyone but me and his kids. He's at his parents house (I should be thankful for that) making them wonderful dinners, working on their house, was buying the OW gifts and sending her cards and we got zilch!!

He didn't call me to play last night. I woke up around 1 a.m. and went online. He was on. I felt hurt again that he obviously didn't want to play with me. He logged off but must have come back on later because he forwarded me an email at 2:40 a.m. He had also told me that he would cancel his game character that he used to play with the OW, he didn't.

I haven't said anything to him but I just feel one big pile of nerves and hurt. I feel like he's not really trying to put a whole lot of effort into us. He obviously doesn't feel like he was doing was that big of a deal because he's not even trying to make up for it. I don't know. Just down.

Hi Luv, I don't know what to tell you, other than I am sorry you are so down, and I know in piecing (if you read some threads), its very hard. These feelings of hurt and mistrust won't disappear right away. If the boundaries you set for him (no online gaming, transparency) aren't being met, you have every right to call him on it. HE came to YOU, wanting to work it out. Now is the time to call him out. If you are afraid of pushing him away (I can totally understand), then you have to realize that if he leaves again, you couldn't have done anything different. Besides you don't want him back without hashing this out anyway. I know I wouldn't want to relive anything from this past summer, EVER.



Did he agree to any type of counseling? I think you guys might need some help in this area, to keep communication up.

Hope your day gets better.

Luv-

I'm sorry you're down today. Chin Up Lady!! Try doing something to bring your mood up. You said H emailed you last night right? That's great. I know it sucks. I truly do. I went through this once before. Obviously H and I didn't work out our true problems after the first A, or we wouldn't be here again. However, I can tell you that it takes A LONG time to get that trust and faith back. It will be slow. Every time H would get down about something, I panicked because I was afraid he was doubting his decision to come back. He wasn't, he was just having a bad day. Maybe your H didn't want to wake you or just felt like spending some time on the game by himself. Try not to take it as a knock against you. Again, he did email you later....he was thinking of you.

It may take your H a while before he gets back to where you want him to be. Trust me, if my H does decide that he wants to work on our M, it's going to be a lot of work and hard as hell to build up that trust again. Especially because this time around, the OW only lives about 30 minutes away. Also, although they don't work in the same department (or even suburb) anymore, they do work for the same company.

I also understand the feelings about your H spending the money on OW. Man do I understand that. During his first A, my H maxed out credit cards, which WE ended up paying for later. He tried to make up for it by taking extra hours...etc, but it still hurt. It especially hurts when it comes to the kids. What did they do to deserve it? The only negative comment that my mom made during our conversation yesterday was that she was disappointed that it appears that H is not looking out for his family's future at all.

This is going to be a tough ride. Keep positive. You're doing great, you really are.

SueS

Hi Sue,
I just wish my H would be "transparent" like I am trying to be. It feels like he just really doesn't care. He also took with him when he left on Saturday some lingerie that he bought for me supposedly several months ago. I've never worn it and it was up in the closet. He did the same thing back in September and he told me that he "got rid of it b/c I didn't like it".

That he didn't delete the character that he used to be in contact with him on the game really bothers me. I know that when it gets down to it that he doesn't need that character to contact her but it really bothers me that he told me he deleted it but he didn't and is obviously using it.

I want to believe that he wants to work at us but I just don't right now.

Luv,

Maybe you need to give him a chance. Maybe he is testing you to see if you really have stopped snooping or are just carrying on with your old ways. pleased don't fall back into your old destructive patterns - remember how bad that felt. You react far too quickly to things - you don't take notice of the 48hr rule. You must give this time. you said right at the beginning you didn't think he would be able to go cold turkey - well maybe you were right. my h appeared to do that but he is certainly in the minority. GIVE IT TIME.

Saffie

Hello Luv,

I agree with Saffie. I have tried to follow these advices that I got here and it's working. When I go back to my distance in my bad days it has not been very helpful. Had a small consequence of one of my bad days last night.

I cannot say for sure because I do not know you husband. But I can say that if he likes to cook and was making a big dinner for his parents he was probably happy. I know that because I love cooking and just do planned meals when I am truly in a good day. And it's likely he is happy because you are trying to work things out.

Why don't you take this his cooking as something to bond on? May be tell him you miss his cooking and you'd like to work together with him on planning a nice meal for when he returns...

Hi Saffie & hal,
I know what you are both saying and I know you are right. I just feel so very depressed right now that I'm having difficulty lifting myself. Saffie, my H doesn't know everything that I feel worried and sad about. I haven't told him. I am keeping it to myself. I'm really having trouble with believing him, that he wants to come home and that he's not doing anything he shouldn't be. I really just feel so much pain right now.