Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again I want a "piece" of the action!

ok, when you put it that way I am guilted into posting...if it's either me or a parking space - even I have priorities!

Nothing thrilling, spouse still thinks they can be friends, I still think they can't, we still argue on that point although I try to keep my mouth shut somewhat. That comes from the "does this get me closer to my goal" school of thought. Other schools say "WTF are you thinking are you out of your Fing mind? Of COURSE YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS!!! ETC"

spouse went to dinner with OW and her son Friday night. Just one big happy family I guess. Innocent I'm sure.(doesn't mean I like it) Then I went out Sat night and OW invited her to come over but since her kids weren't home and it would be just the two of them spouse said "no". A good choice but it's tough for me to give her the praise she wants for that choice. Our discussion led to a "fight" (we don't yell but it's vehement disagreeing!) and of course communication lags then. This type of argument has derailed us several times lately. Spouse is also having the devils own time at work and stress is up.

Generally things are good, except when they're bad and better except when they're worse! That is to say they stay the same and change hourly. Some of this is my fault as I have not maitained my interest in the cause. Everybody gets tired at some point.

Stub, what if you just give up on the OW saga. Act as if you don't give a flying f@ck! What would S's reaction be do you think? Would she start wondering "what's with Stub, she isn't playing the game the way we always play it?" Maybe give it a few weeks and see the result. What you're doing now isn't moving anything forward in this area. Btw, you are absolutely right THEY CAN'T BE FRIENDS and bears crap in the woods, so what! Do you want to be right or win back your partner? Oh and I still don't have my parking spot.

very valid point. Do I want to be "right"...we have to think that way at work alot. Let's see if I can move it into the home realm.

I want the b!tch to disappear. Wish in one hand, $hit in the other, see which fills up first...Peace on earth, good will to all...almost all? She's a sick chick and twisted to boot. She probably took your parking space, that's how bizarre she is. But you're right, (twice in one day, call your W and tell her I said so!) I am not moving anything further along, and have pushed quite a bit back so I'll try the game where she doesn't exist. OW? What OW? I don't give a flying rats ass...did I mention the school holiday program is next week and I'll probably get to see her...see who...wait I'm feeling schizophrenic now...jeeze Whatsis!

so spouse tells me she "has plans" last night and I "don't need to worry"...IE: "I don't want to tell you what I'm doing because I'm ashamed, but I can't just disappear so I'll weasel around the facts"...I know damned good and well she went to a concert with her "friend" OW...but as Whatsis says: I don't give a flying F! I'm sure today she'll be ingratiating and friendly. She doesn't know I'm on to her whereabouts...chicke$hit.

Eventually it will come down to her choices and respect for me. But not today...because I don't give a flying F...Right Whatsis?

Stubborn,

We have alot in common except how your handling the OW, in my case OM.

Your obsessing over this 'friendship' and more to the point your driving her to the OW.

The more you attack the OP, the more the spouse is going to defend them. The worse you look. It is a losing battle. Friendships die over time.
Become the better friend to your wife.

Every time you attack the OW, you lose.

Stub, JTB is absolutely right! You MUST let go of the OW thing for now. I know how hard that is cuz I had to do it for years but, come to think of it, it did me no friggin good, did it! the reality is you must anyway because it's the only way to survive in the environment you're living in, otherwise you'll drive yourself friekin' nuts. Now, she's saying you don't have to worry, so don't! You certainly can worry and fret and work yourself into a lather and then, guess what, one day you'll confide it all to your new Coffee Buddy who will be so understanding and empathetic...well, you know the rest! The only thing you can do Stub is give it up to God, Karma or whatever the heck you want to give it up to, but you have to let go of that shovel handle. Decide you're gonna drop the OW thing for, I dunno, three months and live your life for Stub and work to be your S's best friend. To do this Stub means you must be ready to risk being hurt AGAIN! Damn, that's hard to do, I know, but it's all you can do if you want to stay in and nurture this R. I'll bet if she isn't dealing with somebody whose frothing with anger and resentment (righteous as it is!) she may be more inclined to drop this "friendship" with OW. Yet, of course, there is no guarantee and at some point, you'll have to re-evaluate but that's way down the road from here.
BTW, stick to decaf with your Coffee Buddy, you'll be less inclined to spill the coffee beans! Oh,here's a funny one from my Coffee Buddy adventures. One time we went for coffee, for the second time in the same week, and CB says "after we had coffee the last time I couldn't sleep when I got home, I think it was the caffeine" I replied "but you drink decaf" and she says "I know"

alright let me clarify, for those of you who think I am beating the "OW" drum day and night:

untrue, but when spouse pulls out "oh and BTW I'm going to dinner with OW and son..." and other such crap I feel the need to convey that I do NOT approve and will not tolerate such choices FOREVER. We have much to fix and spouse has said she wants to fix it, but ACTIONS speak louder than words and MOST of her actions haven't changed much. I have not had any raving fits but have calmly told spouse that her feelings will not change until she aligns her actions with same...Sometimes I slip and have a less than perfect moment but let me assure you "less than perfect" so far has been calm and controlled...walk a mile in my shoes, go ahead I dare ya! Whatsis you HAVE so you're forgiven.

I'm really frustrated lately and yes, I will examine "let go and let Kharma" and see what I can do. Last night spouse came and got in bed with me to "cuddle"...could have knocked me over with a feather. Quite honestly sometimes I need to say MORE about what I will NOT tolerate or the child in my spouse trys to get away with tons of crap. As to OW here's my mantra: "f-her, no wait, who? What OW?"....I know you are but what am I....Non-entity so far as I am concerned.

in re-reading I think what I took exception to was the part about "attacking" the OW. I am not and WILL NOT dignify her presence by attacking anything about her. OW is a symptom of spouses problem...

Hi sweetie...

Thanks for stopping by my thread last week. So great to see you. Be good to you. baby steps.

Gotta run to work.

Julie

Stub, aside from quibbling about the "attacking" wording, the message remains the same. Whether you are confrontational or just holding it inside, it has the same effect, you are unhappy! I know how hard it is because as you said, I lived it too. I guess the dif is my S was carrying on with NO intention of stopping, she wasn't saying "trust me" she was saying "screw you". The only way I could stay sane was not to focus on her times with OP. I didn't have the option to choose to trust or not, it was happening whether I liked it or not. I chose not to like it but to put my focus elsewhere, usually on developing myself and a life outside the M. You need to do this too, because the less you focus on your fear, which is that she is remaining unfaithful, the more empowered you become. Now, that said, if you find that is just not possible and we each have our own tolerance level, then you may have to put it to her "it's our R or the OP, you decide" That would be the last resort but you gotta do what you gotta do. I don't know how it would turn out but I do know that's the route I took but I was ready for it to end. It's up to you, so you do have choice here! Choose carefully and then focus on getting your life back for Stub, with or without your S. Again, I do know how hard this is, I really do.