DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT....SHOW ME THAT YOU GIVE A S*** ABOUT WHAT THIS IS DOING TO d
If you are 'fine' and 'have moved on' why spend so much energy being pissed at me. I am trying to detach from you so your thoughts and actions do not affect me so much. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to be around you....you and your anger/hostility. You might not actually _be_ angry but Little Mr Thundercloud that hangs over your head affects people around you. People whose lives don't intersect much with yours can afford to shrug and turn away and not deal with you until they have to. I don't get that luxury. Everything you do permeates my life....how do I get over you? 17 years of enmeshment....how do I get it to stop, how do I get healthy, how do we get to have a healthy relationship either together or not?
Hi CMC I was just struck by you saying you'd been together 17 years, same as me and my H before we separated last year, and how living with his anger and hostility was a big part of my life for a long time until it got the better of him and he moved out. The thing that I can't decide at the moment is what I want, and I wondered if it was the same for you. I've just done a massive U-turn and gone from miserable angry hostile cow to friendly ex who wants the best we can achieve for the children, but it makes me incredibly anxious to meet up with him, and whenever I see his angry depressed side I think, do I really want to deal with all this sh*t again? Mind you if there was even the glimmer of a twinkle in his eye for me I'd be there like a shot, but I wondered if you'd taken the idea of goal planning seriously, and set even some short term goals, and how you'd know when you'd achieved them. How can you begin to deal with the crap if you don't know what you are trying to achieve?
Have you read my original thread? Click on my name and look at my posts and go to one called 'It'll all reveal itself eventually'. It's a bit long and rambling but it might show the angry h that I don't want to have in my life. The problem is, he's always been that way. Is it me or is it him? I see him acting happy with other people...is it a front or do I make him miserable?
I see why you asked for a 2x4, but I am not sure that will carry enough wallop.
Here is what I see. The problem is you, not your husband. You are leaving him hanging in the wind because you don't know what you want. I would not be as nice as he has been. You are not being fair to him and from the beginning, you have not been understanding of his situation. If I am reading this correctly, he had problems and your reaction was to kick him out. Not very understanding.
Now, as you said, you have to get your s**t together. That is an understatement. Last time I posted the impression was that you wanted to save the marriage; this time, no hope for reconciliation. You need to decide what you want. And no matter what, you do owe your husband an apology.
Now, figure out what you want. Doing what you are doing is not fair to anyone. And these is no way I can support what you yourself don't know.
Now. Get yourself together, then we can go from there.
Ok...will need time for the lump to recover (from 2x4).
Will tackle the easier parts first...more difficult parts will take some reflection.
Originally Posted By: inmyplace
Hi Casey.
Here is what I see. The problem is you, not your husband. You are leaving him hanging in the wind because you don't know what you want. I would not be as nice as he has been. You are not being fair to him and from the beginning, you have not been understanding of his situation. If I am reading this correctly, he had problems and your reaction was to kick him out. Not very understanding.
So I should be more understanding of him having an affair?
Quote:
Now, as you said, you have to get your s**t together. That is an understatement. Last time I posted the impression was that you wanted to save the marriage; this time, no hope for reconciliation. You need to decide what you want. And no matter what, you do owe your husband an apology.
I haven't posted everything that's happened on here so the thing I can think of that I need to apologise for, I haven't even posted on here. What do I need to apologise for? To quote Denzel Washington in (Ummm... can't remember what movie it's from), explain it to me like I'm a four year old.
Quote:
Now, figure out what you want. Doing what you are doing is not fair to anyone. And these is no way I can support what you yourself don't know.
Now. Get yourself together, then we can go from there.
IMP [/quote]
Ag...fair nuff....that's the hard part.
Thanks IMP....I'm feeling fairly chastened but don't let up. I want to see both sides of the picture....I just wish I could be in his head.
You need to sit down and work out what you want. Rate it in priority (also consider how likely it will be- i.e. being best buddies appears unlikely based on this guys past behaviour and how he makes you feel) and start working on it.
InMyPlace, I agree with some of the things you posted. i.e. she really needs to work out what she wants.. which i think is that she wants to be separated but have an amicable relationship with H so that D is happy and gets to see her daddy based on her past posts. (of course more that amicable would be good.. i.e. small talk involving some light hearted banter- but we can't hope for everything.) but IMP i am wondering if you've read all Casey's posts. Maybe casey needs to explain the summary of the break up again, and the recent things he's done to cause her to not want to spend any time socially with him as I understand that going back and reading all the posts is time consuming.
in my opinion this guy is not quite right. he seems not good at putting anyone else ahead of himself and appears to be a terrible communicator. he seems to try and manipulate the situation by getting angry or grumpy or sad whenever things don't go his way so Casey backs down and gives him what he wants. so apologising at this stage would not be good. plus i'm also confused, what does she need to apologise for? yes, she's being a bit wishy washy at times, but at least she tries to communicate.
anyway, I'd love to hear a bit more from you IMP once you read some more of the postings casey has posted or you get an update from casey herself with a summary. doesn't have to be long casey.
Yes I have read quite a bit of your thread, and what strikes me is how incredibly reactive you are to your H. You don't seem to have much of a firm centre for yourself, and that's what I think you need. You've said you get anxious and ramble and change your mind when you talk to him. That can be incredibly annoying. If you learn how to be a bit more calmly assertive (but you do have to know what you want in a positive sense, not just what you don't want) things will be far more likely to go the way you want, and if he does get angry it will be clearer that it is his issues that are the problem, not your behaviour.
I strongly advise you to sit down and make a list of the things you want to achieve. When I did this it was the start of my U-turn, and I'm feeling a lot better and more in control because of it. If you post it, people will tell you how focussed and achievable your goals are, which is a big part of solution focussed work, and I think very helpful.
When I spoke of not being understanding, it goes back to your very first post. You kicked him out after he was diagnosed with depression. That is what you owe an apology for.
Aslo, you wonder why he had an affair. Well, you have been yanking his chain. He is getting aggravated with you and rightfully so. Your interactions with him seem to start with a confrontational attitude before anything starts. This is not a recipe for a good relationship.
You said:
Quote:
I want to see both sides of the picture....I just wish I could be in his head.
I understand. Yoyu will get better cooperation if you let your guard down. You will get better cooperation if you figure out what it is you really want. You will get better cooperation if you go with the flow.
As for where you are going, I don't see your H asking for a divorce. I am not really sure what he wants and he seems to be taking cues from you. I can't say for sure. There does seem to be some ability to have friendship with this man. The real question to ask yourself is do you want to be married or do you want to be divorced? Do you have any love for this man?
You don't have to figure it out today, but I would strongly suggest that you make an effort to get along. You may surprise yourself and find that things aren't so bad.
