Well, therapy yesterday was ... huge! Unbelievable, since I had 0 expectations of anything positive, whatsoever... It started with my H seeing me walking up to the therapist's office through the sitting room windows, running outside and giving me a huge hug and telling me how much he missed me. I wasn't sure how to take this, although it was very nice \:\) but I figured it was more of his 'lets be friends after the D' mindset. I do notice that he's not wearing his MLC poster child outfits, but is dressed like the old H. We go in and sit down with the T, and she asks us with the standard 'tell me where you are at, mentally' opener. I let H lead, and, as to my expectations, he says how 'nothing really has changed, he still thinks that we are on the right track.' but then he elaborates more, saying he's thought a lot about me this month, and has really missed me, and is worried about me.

T talks to him for a long time about how important it is for him to talk to someone. How he needs to talk to someone to resolve what's in his head, b/c its obviously not working for him to just internalize it. She asks about friends, H says he doesn't really have anyone he can talk to. T reccomends many other T in the area, men and women, whom she thinks H could talk to if he feels uncomfortable talking to her. H is listening to her, it seems like he's considering, but does not commit to going to any other Ts. T asks me how I'm doing and I say about the same, and that I'm keeping busy seeing friends, and I talk about my recent trip to Vegas, and how much fun it was.

T then asks what we want to cover... I say that the Controlled Separation agreement is set to expire soon, (dec 7) and that I was wondering what we were going to do. T thinks this is a good idea to cover, and asks us what we want. H tries to get me to go first, but I am like 'Honey.. come on :)' good naturedly, but he knows he is the one in the drivers seat for this, its not up to me really. H begins talking about how he thinks things are proceeding the way they should, but then goes on to say he's not sure of himself or the decicion. That he wants whatever descicion we make to be a joint one, where we both agree that its what is right for us. This was really suprising to me! Its the first time he's acted like I was part of the marriage and should have a say in the future of it. T says she thinks the contract should be extended at least for another 4-6 weeks, with 2-3 indv. sessions with H and then a joint session at the end of it. H is aimicable to this. (gasp! indv. session work, thinking about the marriage...)

Then T starts talking about holidays and how we want to handle it. H tells me he would like for me to come to Thxgiving at his mom's. Its really hard for me, for both of us to sit here and tlak about this. I am teary... I don't want to do thxgiving with my husband where my husband is my friend and not my HUSBAND. Plus, his mom still doesn't know about us being separated. I say both of this to him, and he tells me that he has in fact told his mom what's going on, and she extended the invitation to us both. I'm shocked that he told his mom -- he hasn't told ANYONE in his family anything about the separation, even when they ask how things are going btwn us he would just say 'ok.' T says that we both are in a very emotional state, and it would probably be too hard on us both to do Tgiving together. I agree.

H asks, well can we do something together after Tgiving? Maybe Friday or Saturday, just the 2 of us. Again, I am getting teary. I really want to do this, but I am not intersted in seeing him as a friend. It is just too hard on me. After a long while, I just say 'i really don't think it would be a good idea.' H begins to cry. (!) T asks him to verbally communicate what's going inside. H says that its so hard for him, because he wants to be with me, but he hurts me by being with me, and that's part of why he wanted to leave. That I deserved someone I could trust and someone who didn't make me sad just by being around them. That he didn't think he had 'the spark' with me anymore, but that he really wanted to find it, and he didn't think we were going to find it if we werent' seeing each other. T looked as floored as I felt. This was right at the end of the session, and so she starts rescheduling... can H come in next Wed. at lunch, and then we have a joint session at the end of the day Wed, and here are some handouts on 'your vision of the relationship' you need to fill out before Wed.

... we leave T, hold eachother for a good while in the parkinglot and say that we will see each other next week....

Holy crap, rollercoaster ride.... I'm trying not to be too hopefull (impossible!!!) but WOW!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited that when I woke up this morning I couldn't go back to sleep... and the best news is, at the very least I won't be getting a divorce for Christmas.....