Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it...again #5

Just re-read my post from this morning. That was a good plan...
I'll try again. Hopefully it's not too late.

That is a good quote and a very true one. Don't know if it will work in the heat of the moment, though... I was going off today with the other quote right in front of me. Funny thing, I didn't even see it.

Please don't ask why I am up at 2:00 AM. I don't know the answer, but I believe in taking responsibility and apologizing when you are in the wrong. So I called H. He surprisingly answered. I apologized for today. Tried to explain where I am coming from without blaming him-used a bunch of I statements, etc. I said that I am still angry and have a lot of resentment about the situation. I am angry because I am hurt. I want to let go. I am trying to let go and move on so that I can provide a happy home for the children. I am doing the best I can. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I know it does not excuse my behavior, but I am trying, and I am sorry. I know things are hard for him too.

I lost network and we got disconnected. When I called back, he didn't answer. ouch. I was basically done anyway, but still. ouch. Guess I kind of deserve it. I said my piece. Now I just have to let it lay and deal with whatever comes next.

I know. I pursued with the fight. Now I pursued with an apology. I'm such a DB failure. I'm afraid I've helped pushed us to a point of no return. I know I'm feeling hopeless. I am trying so hard to let go of my hurt of betrayal. It just keeps eating away at me. I want to forgive. I really do. I just don't know if I can. How do I do this? Where are the instructions to do this? I can only 'act' so much. How do you do it for real?

You are not a DB failure. Thank goodness you read DB. Can you imagine how different things would be if you did everything by instinct without all of Michele's guidance? He would have been long gone and you would have been kicking him out sooner without any understanding of the sitch. You have been very clear minded but this last episode mat have been triggered by the lack of communication, hormones, insensitivity. Who knows but you need to practice a response that does not talk about the R. Evenin Piecing you should not talk about the R. Focus on your friendship and maybe the sex? I cannot believe the roller coaster. We both kind of went off today. Sorrry to sound sick, but do you think our cycles are getting haywired because we are hanging out so much? I kid. No more demands or R talk. Maybe act as if. maybe help him pack and find a new place. Maybe agree. maybe keep having sex. For the life of me I cannot believe he does not want to be back at home safe in your bed. Just think 180.

Hey, is your neighborhood OK? Are your friends and family and neighbours OK? I had no idea how enormous the devastation was down south.

Thanks, MK. I don't know what happened to me. I just feel like I can't get my footing.

We are ok here. I have fires to the north and south. My SIL is here because she could see flames from here apartment window. The nearby shopping centers were evacuated. The air here is bad, but I am urban and safe from actual flames.

I wish I could blame PMS for today. I can't. Maybe my hormones are still fluctuating, but I think it is just me being slightly insane and at my breaking point.

NO R talk. Hard when it seems like that's all there is. I obsess and I regress. I think Saffie suggested making a list and burning it. I'm going to try that. Should be fitting with all these fires over here.

How are you MK?

I like the idea of making the list and burning it, too. or journal it...one thing my friend had me doing was writing letters when I was pissed or pleading...she would have me write them out in my journal, so I got the words out, but he never saw it.

sorry you are having a rough go of it. hopefully at least the fires stay away so you don't have to deal with that, too. ugh. fire season.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment Neph.

I think it's a good idea to do a combination of both journaling and burning!!! Write down all your thoughts; even those you generally would not voice and feel bad inside for having. All the really hurt and angry ones - all the things you could do to get your own back etc.etc. etc.... Get it all out, nothing is too vile - just do it - and then burn it so no -one else ever knows what you are thinking but you have voiced those things and then let go.

Then sit and think about the things you want from the future and all the things that make you feel nice, happy, safe, loved and lock those thoughts in your head and your heart.

Like the rest of us you are human

Saffie

Saffie is right. OK I do have this trick. I write out that letter like Morgan mentioned. I put a lot of heart into it and I keep it either on nice stationary or an old National Geographic page. Then I sneak it into one of the pages of one of his books still in our massive collection, in the garage. Maybe there are like 600 books! I think the probability of him ever finding the love/ hate letters is astronomical, but if by chance or miracle he does find one of those letters, it will be some twist of fate and not passive agressive. Maybe he will be 80 years old and finally come to his senses!!! It just helpd me to know they exist in our universe but that they are almost invisible. Geez, some people write out those letters on their Myspace blogs for everyone to read! can you believe that!

mk, not in my myspace blog (don't have one), but I did start a blog early on. I couldn't write. literally, couldn't, I shook too much during the first month or so, so I started an online journal. didn't share it with anyone, but I found typing to be easier (thanks to mandatory typing class fresh year of h.s!)

I like that MK. H has a zillion books, but he is talking about donating them to his bro. Wouldn't want them to stumble on anything. I think I will burn them, probably daily for a while.

I had some neutral contact with H over Text msg today. Early in the month he told me he would pay for D's cloth diapers. He also said "anything" I need to go ahead. I ended up spending $200.00. When he was here last Tuesday talking about the apt., I told him I would replace the money. Also said I had my "half" of our savings still (he's spent his) that he could use for the apt if he needed it.

Today, I put the $200 back in and sent a text FYI. He replied "thanks". ME: "You are welcome. The offer for the 500 hundred still stands as well." H: Thank you.

So, not jumping for joy, but, really, he didn't have to reply to either of those. He did, so that, to me, is at least neutral.

I love him. I want him to come home, but he does need a place when he goes back to work. I have to admit he is right. I am not ready for him to come back. I have to "process" some of my anger and resentment. I really do. If I am this explosive with out him here, how will I handle things with him here. How will I handle when he says he has a meeting and comes home a little late. I am already reliving my betrayal when he doesn't follow through with his word. What can I expect if he were to just come home. He is right. It is not time. < sigh >