Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Still trying - Not very well

Thanks Edie!

Regardless of what is happening to us, retro is such a positive, and I would still recommend it to anyone.
Right now for us it has allowed us to talk better, we are able to approach subjects the previously would have been skirted like the plague!
When we dialogue, we generally talk alittle more about different things afterwards, and generally it is still all positive, no one gets there back up, and we talk like grown ups!! And for us this had always been a huge issue!

I do hope that C will help husband because I am sure we can get back to being a couple totally again, if he just would commit and not have issue's with it!
Boy doesn't that sound so stupid! We have been married 17 yrs and together over 20 but now I have to worry about him committing! How backwards is that!!
On some levels we are working, but then I find it hard to truly believe we are, so I am just going to take it slow, and just try and be prepared for any possibilty right now.

We have been married 17 yrs and together over 20 but now I have to worry about him committing! How backwards is that!!
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maybe because society has it that once you are married the deal is sealed, or like some lunatic women think, that once they are prego the men have to marry them (thus guaranteeing a solid M?)

We all know better know, that an M needs to be tended and care for.

You are so right Cat, Marriage does have to be tened too...if it didn't we wouldn't be here.

I guess I struggle with the commit thing, my H has hurt me beond belief, and yet here I stand still right next to him, committed to him, and us. Yet he is the one with the problem!
I just makes you scratch your head and say whats wrong with this picture!

Hi, butting in again....
Thanks for filling me in on your sitch. That is hard, and it's not fair. Cat know a little about that kind of pain too. I comend you both for sticking it out and not giving up.

I believe the basics are still key: GAL, take care of yourself, PMA, give him space. You say you're insecure now - who wouldn't be! I think that's the first order of business, get good with yourself. Feel good about yourself again, do things for yourself, because you want to. Yes, it hurts, and he hurt you, but you're still standing, you're still strong, and you are still a worthwhile, good,valued person. His actions can't change that.

Sometimes it hurts sooo badly, and yet we are still here, still standing, still committed. And the sunrise is still beautiful, life is going on around us and much of it is good. We survived the hurt and we are surviving. It must not be as terrible as it seemed. When we feel the pain, it's awful, but it can and does pass, especially if we let it go.

Some people fall in love with the pain and the sacrifice. It makes them feel special and better than the spouse and others. True martyrs. But we can commit by choice, because it's what we want to do, for ourselves. Some people really enjoy their pain. Maybe it lets them know they are alive. There are better ways, healthier ways, to know you are alive.

Even now I would say the OW doesn't matter, not even to your H. That's one of the sad parts about an A, the OP is usually an object or tool for the adulterer to work out his or her personal issues. It's unfair to the OP, but I guess they are grown up and can take care of themselves.

I have/had a need for everyone to like me. I found myself in a situation like your H is in with an old flame from college. It's easy to spiral into trouble. I didn't want to back out, maybe she wouldn't like me anymore. I didn't want to have an A, but I thought I NEEDED her to like me, maybe so I could like myself. I found the strength to not spiral into that trap. Now that your H is in C, and is talking to you, hopefully he can back out of his trap. Unfortunately, it's something he has to do on his own, and you can't teach him, tell him, or help him much.

What you can do is make it harder for him, and yourself, or not. I vote for not making it harder. You do that by taking care of yourself, GAL, be secure, be patient, love him uncoditionally (be there if he asks for help, be kind, don't expect anything from him).

I think another key is knowing that even though you are commited to him and the M, you can survive with out it or him. You can move on if you wanted to. I think that knowing this gives you real strength and keeps your head out of the martyr game.

Too much advice?

Oh, and about commitment. My W is coming back to me. She left. I can see my sacrifices, but what about hers, and your H's. He is still there. He is still working on your R. It could be easier for him to just go. What keeps him there? He knows he is hurting you and has hurt you. He doesn't want to. Why is he still there? I think I know. I think he is committed but struggling to work things out. I think he loves you. That's no gaurentee that your M will work, but I think it's true.

Regards,

LN first off, I don't consider you butting in!! You have very wise words, and any help and support I get are always welcome!

I do feel and know that H does love me, and I am realizing that I do need to back away again, however I can't do it to much because he will see it as being pulling away or something being wrong betweent the 2 of us.
I am at a place that I do know that if he isn't with me I will be ok, its scary though with having 2 kids. But I can make it.
I am trying to get a life as best I can, meeting a cousin tonight for dinner, which I think will be good, and possibly a confidant. But I have to just see how things go.
I am giving him space, and am trying to be supportive, I told him at anytime the c feels I need to be there I will go.
But beyond that he will have to do the work.
I also worry that the C will tell him that we aren't meant to be together and wonder what outcomes will come of that!
But it isn't worrying me to much! So am just trying to be as relaxed as I can and see what happens over the next little while.

Limbo,

You and H have made a lot of progress. Isolating his fear of commitment as the problem is really big. How long do we focus on the little stuff without ever knowing what the real problem is? I am happy that the Retrouvaille work has helped you so much. I actually think that many of us are at this point in our marriages for exactly the same reason you are. It was easy to get married when we were young without any real sense of what commitment means. And we stayed together out of habit or because it was OK, but at some point there is a conflict and that old flaw raises it's head and trips us up. I think you and H are working through this slowly and carefully, and you will get where you want to go. I think it would be lovely if, when this is all resolved, you have a small commitment ceremony with just a few people present.

Best of luck. I think you are doing great.

Thanks Sara! Your support means alot, especially because you have done retrouville too.
Its our last one this upcoming Saturday...we have to take in a wedding photo! I haven't even looked at them since all this started, so it should be intresting doing it now.
I would love to do a recommitment ceremony...its something that has been in the back of my mind, but have not said anything to h, I guess in a way I would like him to ask me! I know, I know.

H went to see the IC yesterday, but don;t think they got into to much, he said they talked about what has happened since they last talked until July, so didn't get into the most recent stuff, beyond that he didn't really tell me much of anything! I was alittle dissappointed, but I know not to push or question so I didn't. Just stayed positive with him.
I do hope that this helps him, and we see some positive results!

Just Journaling.....


Why is it that we get days were it just seems that it would be easier to say its over?
Today I am having one of those days, I have started a couple of emails to H, but haven't sent them.
I just feel so overwhelmed by it all, and I am tired, as we all are.
I just feel that I am tired of that little voice in the back of my head that just keeps reminding me of whats happened, and not to trust, I seem to battle with myself over trusting or not.
I know my H is here and working on us the best he can, but sometimes I just feel like I am settling sometimes, that I have made so much effort and not getting the same back.
He told me awhile ago he was going to put me on a pedastal because thats were I deserved to be, of course that's not what I am looking for, but sometimes I just wish he could make alittle effort..to woo me.
I just would like to be spoilt alittle, flowers, little trinkets, I know its silly...and maybe selfish.

Hang in their Limbo,

You really need to get into the PRESENT MOMENT and try and keep yourself there. Your thought attacks get you off track and it sprirals us out of control. I know I am just as bad as you - I was so so so sad yesterday (I saw the OW at school) and broke down with H last night. We have been dialogue'ing well enough but he seems to keep it light - which I am just going to go with the flow and happy that he's still trying.

I understand about being so tired - August has been a year for me of making changes and sticking to them and yet H does not trust they will stay WTH - WHO had the A I asked last night???? So I know exactly where you are coming from - why should I even have to TRY to get him to commit emotionally - why can't he just do it? I figure they detached so long ago - it's going to take a long time to come back. I did ask H not to be so negative about us and he agreed to try and work on that - we'll see. Try and find that book I mentioned - it really helped me this AM - the chapter about Relationships and open communication. It's so basic - matches a lot of Retro - I just want H to get to this part (he just started reading it)...

Take care and again slow down...baby steps and patience patience patience!!!!

Come here to vent!! I'll prop you up if you help prop me up!!!

Do something for you tonight!!!

HB