"You know, H was curled up at the bottom of the bed just now as we were talking, and I was thinking about reading posts here that say things like, And I just wanted to reach out and touch her! Tell him I love him! Hold her! etc etc, and I thought, nope"
Oh, there were plenty of times I felt that same way. almost couldn't even look at him in the face. Although I did end up having my time of being sexually turned on by him...the wanting what you can't have syndrome.
On ideas for trying to show him HIS 5LL. Do you dress up sexy and flirt at all???? If his top 5LL is physical affection, then I think looking good and flirting would be a big thing for him. Or maybe there's a perfume that he really likes.
For some reason, this thought occurred to me, which you've quite possibly already discussed. You know all the weird comments about H saying what if he were gay... I'm wondering if that's because he is confused with his sexual orientation. Since you guys never really had that "lust" thing for each other, and it was more of a business commitment (in your words I think it was) that he's thinking maybe it's not just you specifically, but women in general, and that's why he's not getting that "feeling" he's after. I'm sure that wasn't rocket science research on my part, but it just popped into my head.
So if you ARE taking care of yourself physically (which may sound vain sometimes, but it is important that we do this for many reasons) What exactly are you doing? When you go out, how do you look? Do you know what feature your H has liked about you? If so, accentuate it.
I really think flirting is a big factor. It shows confidence, and it gives them an ego boost. Of course, your H is different than most it seems, but have you tried it yet?
Sounds like the kids had a great time, and I bet they were adorable!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
No, H is not gay, nor has he had a religious conversion or realized he wants to be with someone of another ethnicity ... all analogies he's given me to explain his realization.
Originally Posted By: S.T._I Made It!
So if you ARE taking care of yourself physically (which may sound vain sometimes, but it is important that we do this for many reasons) What exactly are you doing? When you go out, how do you look?
I'm going to the gym three times a week, working on flexibility, cardio stuff, and strength. When I go out I look put together and funky/cool: nice clothes, hair done, perfume.
Re the sexy stuff, to be honest, I have no idea what H thinks is attractive about me. He's never told me, I've never asked. Realizing how little I know about him has been sobering since the beginning of my sitch. I did touch his head a couple of times yesterday, just gentle, affectionate stuff, to see what would happen (nothing), and I joked with him some to lighten things up (actually got a snort in response!).
So I've been thinking about all the stuff I mentioned before: what have I really changed (especially that he can see), etc. I still have a lot of mulling to do, but I've decided to do an experiment.
H is moving out in about a month. That sounds like an eternity to me, but I've decided to go full guns for the next month and see what happens. For example, in the morning while H is still here, I usually make breakfast for the kids and get them settled doing something while I go outside and log on here, check email, etc. We're together all day and spend a lot of it doing stuff, but H doesn't see that.
Instead I'm going to make breakfast for them and stay with them---forsaking my laptop!---starting the day with some quality time (that H can see).
I'm going to quit smoking again (H and I quit last year for six months, then went back and have been chimneys since the bomb; I've chosen our anniversary, which is in three weeks, as my quit date ).
I'm going to up the flirting factor---maybe I'll tell him about this very sexy podcast I've been listening to, ask him about that "sex in the woods" book he left lying around after the bomb (a suggestion from my DBing coach, of all people!), etc. I'm also occasionally letting H see me check my phone for texts (without being able to see them) in a Homer-esque move.
I'm going to consciously open up more to him emotionally, and I'm going to initiate those occasional conversations (maybe not DBing, but what feels right here).
These are all goals I've had for myself, and I've realized I can be doing a lot more about them than I have. In a month, things between H and me may not have changed one bit, but I'll have done some good things for me and will be able to say I did all I can think of re the R.
I'm going to up the flirting factor---maybe I'll tell him about this very sexy podcast I've been listening to, ask him about that "sex in the woods" book he left lying around after the bomb (a suggestion from my DBing coach, of all people!), etc. I'm also occasionally letting H see me check my phone for texts (without being able to see them) in a Homer-esque move.
I'm going to consciously open up more to him emotionally, and I'm going to initiate those occasional conversations (maybe not DBing, but what feels right here).
This all sounds great, puddle! And really, whether or not some of your strategies sound like DBing or not, they are good strategies simply because they are attempts at exploring new and different tunnels in hopes of finding bits and pieces of the ever-ellusive cheese. Always monitor the results, take stock, etc, and decide whether or not such strategies are working for you, against you, or maintaining the current state your R/M is in. The only wrong button is the one you keep pushing to no avail. Remember that DR says to give strategies at least a few weeks of monitoring before deciding if they're working or not. It may take a while for H to respond favorably (for whatever reason).
You sound great! Oh, and I'm glad you are looking "so good"! All the better for your "physical touch" H to gawk at and fantasize about!
It seems to me that failure to succeed in saving a marriage can usually come in two flavors. First, that the WAS is already too far gone/committed to leaving the marriage. The second, and from my perspective, by far the most common, is the fact that the LBS is as much a WAS as the WAS is...let me explain.
So many times on these threads we see people decrying what their spouses did to them and how they just can't seem to get past it, to forgive them their trespasses. They keep saying "But she broke her vows. She f--ked another man" as if that somehow gives then exclusive dominion over the choice to leave the marriage. It's almost like the WAS flipped a switch, starting an inevitable process that ends in divorce, or at least that's how many LBSs seem to portray their feelings about the sitch. They feel that things are irreparable when in fact they are not.
The simple, inescapable fact is that for most, and I stress MOST WASs, the end of the marriage is at least as justified (and thus the affair) or MORE justified due to the months/years of "broken" vows THEY feel WE broke
I want to thank you for posting this on MM's thread. It looks like you're doing what it takes to avoid the 2nd flavor from occuring by going full guns for this next month. It does give a different perspective on the WAS/LBS equation.
For what it's worth, turning up the flirting factor sounds like a really good idea, plus it might be fun. It'll also be good practice, so all-in-all, a positive move.
Wow!! Some great stuff here! Puddle, sounds like you've got a really good game plan for the next month...you've hit on some things that I want to return to soon (been absolutely hammered at work the last couple days, and posting from home is spotty at best...) and Sunny, thanks so much for pulling Puddle's great comment over from that other thread.
Good weekend food for thought...and maybe a little practice, too!
GD, good reminders about trying new tunnels and monitoring; I'm going to do it.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Oh, and I'm glad you are looking "so good"! ;\) All the better for your "physical touch" H to gawk at and fantasize about!
Ha! That's so funny. You know, as far as I know, H has zero fantasy life (but what the heck do I know?), but I'll give it a shot anyway. The beauty of it is, it's going to be great practice for me. Don't want to be practicing on some unsuspecting stranger!
Hey Sunny! Great to hear from you.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
It looks like you're doing what it takes to avoid the 2nd flavor from occuring by going full guns for this next month.
I'm completely guilty of being the WAS within the R. H used to spend so little time with me, then with me and the kids when they came along, and I eventually gave up (but still felt resentful). Then, about a year ago, he came around to wanting to spend more time as a family---right in the middle of a huge project of mine. I felt like, you've been ignoring me for 10 years and *now* you want my attention? Too bad!
Of course I'd rejected him sexually for *years*---who'd want to spend time with someone like that? So I see the cycle, and I see my role in it. It may be too late for me and H, but I've got to give it the yeoman's try.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
turning up the flirting factor sounds like a really good idea, plus it might be fun.
It *has* to be fun! Nothing to turn you off like pathetic, angry flirting!
I'm not much of a flirter---I'm pretty oblivious, actually---but I'm working on it. Even ordered some, um, books.
Hey Heim! How you doing?
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
Funky earth mother on the prowl!
Alas, H is not the earth mother type, which means I'll have to shave my legs---ugh. Hey, it's just a month, I can do this.
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
And, hey, you might get lucky.
I would be astonished, and pleased, if that were to happen. I'm trying to concentrate on the flirting itself as the goal. Don't expect much from H in return ... hmmm, not necessarily the best attitude.
Hey ST! I'm going to quit smoking using an online program of lessons and support, which helped a lot last time. This time I just need to complete the program!
Hey L2, good to hear from you again!
Originally Posted By: L21959
Good weekend food for thought...and maybe a little practice, too!
Oh, lots of practice. I bought some sexy things today, and it'll be interesting to see what kind of reaction they get.
It's funny, H and I seem to be in a good place right now. He's still down, but the other night---may have mentioned this---he shared some of his fears for the future with me and his plan to deal. Sounds like he's working hard to get his head out of where it's lodged. Also showed me he's still wanting to share feelings with me.
He sent me an email today about a lot of financial stuff, asking me what time frame I have in mind for finding better paying work, etc. I first thought, good night, man, leave me be. Then I thought, okay, I'm not going to see this as pushing; maybe H is concerned that I get to a better place. May or may not be true, but puts me in a better frame of mind to deal with him---assuming he wants the best for me. He made a joke about having to eat cardboard for lack of money, and I joked back.
He also mentioned COW's psycho ex acting angry at him, which he assumed was about me saying H hadn't relayed his apologies to me. I said, "Wow, I sure wish I could remember," and he said no worries (actually he said "F**k him, and good riddance," since this guy's moving cross country for what sounds like an unbelievable job---still not sure how he functions with that level of alcohol in his system and his personal problems hidden).
The place H is renting is farther away than he'd hoped, and he's not sure he'll be able to hang out in the morning. I suggested we not promise the kids he'll be here but instead see how it goes---better to surprise them with morning visits than promise them and not show up. He's also talking about leaving work around 4 or 4.30 to spend time with them. I'm trying to think, "Great! More opportunities to wear my sexy new undergarments and flirt," instead of, "Oh my god, give me some space."
CVA, where are you?! I'm trying to lure you with lingerie talk.
Heim, maybe I should stick to workout clothes when I see the guy instead of the new stuff I've bought...?
Don't expect much from H in return ... hmmm, not necessarily the best attitude.
That's the exact right attitude, methinks.
Quote:
Heim, maybe I should stick to workout clothes when I see the guy instead of the new stuff I've bought
Yes. Yes you should. Although, me also thinks that you should wear them during the ski trip. WOO HOO! A shaven earth mother. Good thing I'm already sitting down
Have a good weekend. 18 to 19 hours of driving this weekend. Should be able to solve my R problems, and everyone else's, while planning the next few issues of my mag (by the way, it is a tech mag that I edit. Drop me a line. I don't have a huge budget, but I do use a few freelancers from time to time).
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Yeah, but what kind of flirting would I be doing while thinking, oh, he's sooo not going to be interested in this? or even worse: oh no, he's interested!!
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
Yes. Yes you should. Although, me also thinks that you should wear them during the ski trip. WOO HOO! A shaven earth mother. Good thing I'm already sitting down
LOL! Thanks for that. Isn't that the best part of winter, getting to bundle up in a cocoon? Now you see my trouble with the flirting thing...
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
18 to 19 hours of driving this weekend. Should be able to solve my R problems, and everyone else's, while planning the next few issues of my mag
Oh man, when are you leaving? You'll certainly have time to think.
Originally Posted By: Heimlich
(by the way, it is a tech mag that I edit. Drop me a line. I don't have a huge budget, but I do use a few freelancers from time to time).
Thanks, I will. Having a clip or two from a tech mag would certainly open some doors. I'll even wear my cute new underthings while writing.
Take care, I know it's going to be a tough weekend for you. Are you going by yourself, or are the girls going to say goodbye as well?
). 
All the better for your "physical touch" H to gawk at and fantasize about!