Angelica, You have discussed drop ins and drop outs, but you've forgotten the droplets. The droplets are those who come to call every now and then. I would classify the spouses of BND and Hopefloats as droplets in many ways because they did have some communication w/them throughout the crisis. You can't classify them as dropouts because they did/do drop in from time to time, i.e., phone calls, tms, emails are all part of the drop in calling cards. In your case, as well as my own, our spouses are dropouts who disappear for weeks, months on end without a peep.
It's important that posters be reminded that that there are three types of "drops" on the radar scale, not two. The ones we see more frequently are the drop ins and droplets. The drop outs are very distant and have emotionally detached so much more so than then other two that it's very hard to communication w/them and reconciling w/them is quite difficult until they are starting to wake up and begin reaching out to the lbs. They are the true Rip Van Winkles of the bunch, i.e., who go into a hole and aren't heard from again and until one day, they wake up and ring your doorbell.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks SNodderly - Yes, true drop outs are rare, - in fact quite honestly I think my h is a (infrequent) drop-let - he would have a lot more contact if I encouraged it. It is me who keeps him at arms length because he is so crazy, and damaging to me.
I simply made the dicotomy for simplification, but I can see it wasn't halpful. My h would quite like it if we met sometimes. he has emailed me to try and keep contact, and he is upset that I don't want contact 'as friends'.
I sup[ose I was distinguishing between those who keep very frequent contact, and the rest, droplets and drop-outs.
It is my pride, and my gut feeling that he will get through the process 'better' without my intervention. He has to stop seeing me as his mother. I don't handle interaction well, while he is crazy.
I really think that apart from the total drop outs they are all droplets with varying degrees of need for interaction - some daily or more frequently, some a few times a week, and so on. thanks for straigtening this out..
BA, My xh is further in the digging than yours is! Mine dug the hole so deep it's been caving in for a while. Hey, Rip is one of my favorite stories! That's why I did a couple of threads with that name in them.
Shall we send down some search lights to help them find there way?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
After the bomb, H and I still had sex, (yes, I say sex because most of the feeling of 'making love' for him was gone) my drive was higher and I SO wanted to please him and at the same time I felt so totally 'in love' with him....I guess we DO want what we can't have ! Once ow got back, the sex stopped. I don't think I could do it now....although I miss it terribly ! We did have a passionate sexlife, although H might have like to do it a little more often....but then having 3 small kids didn't help my libido !
I hope to one day make love to my H again, and be that close and intimate again with him.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Angela, You have to do what is right and comfortable for you during this time. If interaction creates some unrest within yourself, then by all means keep the contact to a minimum.
They all look at us as authority figures and that's what they are lashing out at. They are wanting to break the bonds that they think that bind them to us. This is where the other person is waiting in the wings comes in. That person is the catalyst that helps them to walk away. They are there pushing their emotional/ego buttons and this makes them feel stronger and more independent than ever.
The ow is someone who needs some type of emotional fix as well, it's not all about sex. Some are just as emotionally out of whack as they are. They are actually feeding off of each other's needs. Yes, money, security, popularity and above all else, having fun is what they are looking for in the "married" spouse that they are w/at that time. Our spouses are out there seeking someone who will build them up during this emotional and very fragile time, and of course, the op doesn't care what lives our spouses leave behind, just as long as they are getting what they are searching for. The true love and emotional bonds aren't there in the real sense that they were w/you. The mlcers are looking for a pal, someone to pal around w/to have fun, spend money and lash out at the world. They want to prove something and what better way to prove it to you, everyone else and themselves, but by hooking up w/the OP. In time, this changes because the OP will eventually want stability and security on a permanent basis. Yes, some will get caught in the trap of marrying their affair partner, but they will not be happy and will continue to hammer at you. Why? They are extremely miserable and can't let go of what they once had and they don't want you to be happy or move on w/o them. Yep, they are very irrational people to think this way, but they do.
So, my advice, I know that we all obsess about the OP for a long time, but once you've gotten a bit further down the road, don't allow them person to have any more space in your head. They aren't worth it. If your spouse didn't have this person around them, they would have someone else. They just didn't care who they hooked up w/at that time, just as long as they weren't too alone in the process of walking away from the real paradise that they had at home. Unfortunately, the Land of Oz is not always what they think it will be. Give the mlcers plenty of space and time to figure things out. If you can leave them alone as much as you can, you'll discover that your spouse may come sniffing around to see what's going on in your life. Trust me, you are never far from their memories or consciences.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well Angelica I think we have the opposite thing going on here...mine went from a "droplet" to a "dropout" Or maybe he is still a "droplet"....I guess I will have to wait and see if he makes the first move towards communication.
I'm finding it more difficult to analize what he is rather than just figure out what it is that I want. Trying to do both just does not mix well.
Angelica? I have a queston for you......
Your H seems to morph into extreme anger mode when YOU DO NOT take his calls and DO NOT respond to him. What do you think would happen if you did the opposite and respond very openly to your feelings while conversing with him?
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
