Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hello... New Guy

Many Thanks again....

It's just such a whirlwind of emotions...

I really thought we had a good marriage. We liked the same stuff... we like to travel,
we have three great kids... we don't argue about how we're raising them... we like to go out with friends together... it's just so strange. sooo f'in bizarre.

Thanks again.

Hey Guy you are not "special"

I can sing the same song. I had no idea what she had on her mind. You have a long road ahead. It is really weird trying to rediscover a person who you until recently though of as a part of you.

Husband

gotcha. thanks man.
i'm sure there are a ton of "US" out there.
it does seem to be a long road ahead.

hope it's working out for you.

Guy,
Take a look at the website http://www.womensinfidelity.com. I downloaded the online books that are offered there. They really seem to describe my W's situation / feelings perfectly. Helping me understand the why, now I just need to work on the how to fix.

Here's an excerpt from one of the documents I got from the women's infedelity website. The document is essentially a dialog between a counselor and woman who has been cheating:

So this where you are now...at this point you have two options. The first option is that

you can keep doing what you are doing until your husband meets someone else at which

time I can almost guarantee that you will want him back. In fact, you will probably start

pining for him like you've been pining for your lover. You will probably also experience

a tremendous amount of self-hatred because you will realize that you have brought all of

this on yourself. However, if at any point your husband falls for your pleas to reconcile,

you will most likely lose interest in him immediately and start pining for your lover once

again.

Do you really think that will happen?

Yes, it's all very predictable. You obviously believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be

treating your husband so cruelly and causing him so much pain. You've obviously

realized that through all of this you've been completely in control of him. His fear of

losing you has allowed you to manipulate him at every turn. However, what you've

failed to realize is that your husband has that same potential to control you because you

are both in limbo now.

Your indecision has led him into a state of indecision. Limbo is an unconscious state.

When people are in limbo they believe they have no control over their feelings which is

why their feelings can be so easily manipulated. This is why so many women who have

zero interest in their husbands miraculously want their husbands back when they begin to

move on and/or meet someone else. Like a child, they declare "that's mine" because they

don't want anyone else to play with their toy even though they have no interest in playing

with it themselves.

Does this sound familiar to anyone??

so you would recommend the download?

did you get your wife to read it? if so, what was her response?
let me know if you think it's worth the $. I'm so confused right now,
and i feel like i'm looking for every little piece of information that will help.

let me know!

thanks man.

I would like the W to read, but don't know if now is the right time. Understand that anything you give them is viewed as pressuring. I've been doing to much of that by suggesting a whole load of books for her to read. Might just keep this info to myself.

If you don't mind posting your email address, I could maybe set you up.

Hi oh_guy,
I haven't read the book, so I can't comment on it. But I will say that your questions make me wonder, are you still approaching your relationship in terms of "fixing" your wife's unhappiness? If you are, I would recommend that you let that go - it just doesn't work that way.

Instead, focus on yourself - what can you do to be happier, stronger, healthier, and more engaged in your life APART from your marriage? I know this seems counter-intuitive, but believe me, when people tell you to Get A Life and work on your PMA - that's exactly what you need to do.

Rob

P.S. Where in OH are you?

The advice Rob has given is the exact advice your DB coach would give.

Dude, you are not gonna change her. As Rob said, begin to act as if you are preparing to be on your own. Do stuff without involving or inviting your wife.

I sense that you want to see change. That's fine. But start by looking in the mirror, because she's not gonna change until you do.

I agree with Rob and Mark.

The book I referred to helped me see why she did what she did, so I think it is worth the time to read. There is a section on how to break out of the limbo, but would probably be a better read for the WAS after they have fully committed to trying to fix things.