Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hello... New Guy

Hey Everyone.

Well, I did it... I spoke to a coach yesterday.
It was, to say the least, the most important thing I've done in the past 5 months.
Geeze... it was crazy. But it was a great experience.

It was what I needed at that point. Someone to say, take a deep breath and just relax.

I found out my wife "has feelings" for a co-worker.
Someone I've met, had a beer or two with. Someone that was "her friend" a guy she
could just talk to about work.

Well, I saw that there were a lot of text messages, and phone calls at weird hours, while I was away for work, or out of town at family reunions that she didn't want to go to because she felt she needed some "alone time"....

She admitted at first for liking him. Then she admitted to kissing him. Then she admitted to sleeping with him. Just once. I want to believe her.

She says she loves me. She hasn't come out and said, I love you, but I'm not IN love with you yet.

She says she loves me, and she's going to try to make this work... but she's confused. What made her do it, she asks? That's not like her, she says. She's never looked at another guy, let alone go that far. Why? WHY????

We are really close. We know each other so well. We complete each others sentences. I thought this was the girl I would walk down the beach with when I was 80 years old and retired in some warm part of the country. I thought it was me and only me. WHY?

So many thoughts go through my head. I want this to work. I want her to want it to work. It just sucks.

Why?

Well, I'm starting to apply some of the principles that my coach recommended. But I worry that it will hurt the relationship... BUT they make so much sense. But then I think, do they know who I'm married to?

Well, it was a great thing... and I strongly recommend it to anyone out there needing to talk to someone.

I hope to keep you posted, and if I can be of any support to anyone - not like I'm an expert, but I'm probably in the same boat as a lot of you, just let me know.

Here we go. I'm crossing my fingers and praying for some normal life again with my wife and kids.

Hope to hear from you all soon.

Peace.

Welcome to this rather unpleasant existance. Most of us here have been through what you are now living. We are willing and able to help you. In fact, there is so much help available, that I have not used my DB coach in several months, in spite of the fact that I have three sessions "banked."

The thing that you wrote that stood out for me the most was this:



Now, I don't know exactly what your coach told you (though I have a very good idea). However, I can say with a great deal of confidence that the stuff that is preached about here absolutely works. Is it counter-intuitive? You bet. In fact, after a few months of DBing my (cheating) wife actually told me, "This response of yours is not a typical response to this kind if situation."

Um, what was your first clue?

Seriously, though, you have a lot going for you. Your wife says she loves you. The danger for you here is hanging your hat on this. Your work is not done.

Stick with the program. Post here. Read here. Help others while you get help. And don't worry about "getting" more than you give. Your time will come...

Not that I in any way can be called an expert or one who can say he practises what DB or DR preaches consistently. What I have learnt is exactly what you fear, that what seems logical and loving will back fire and that odd methods are needed. I guess what is it, is that the other persons head space is so far removed from what we think of as a loving home environment. It also as my doctor pointed out very hard for the person having the affair to deal with all of the "re-wiring" they have done in their mind to go through with it all.

In my case we do not have kids, though we tried for 3 years, but still it is an odd dynamic.

Thanks also for the coach endorsement, I have been thinking about it so maybe I will give it a try.

All the best and have a strong heart and mind,

Henrik

Everything Mark said is on the money I think. Especially about the support you'll find here.

Keep posting and keep working at the principles you've learned through your coach.

Stay strong and remember that the work is just beginning.

wow. you guys. just wow.
this helps so much.

i'll be here... this is awesome.

thanks.

I really am happy that I did the coaching.
As Mike mentioned, this board is also so helpful... but it really has an impact when you tell another person, and they guide you through the steps... one-on-one.

You can do the sessions one at a time, or buy three sessions and save a few bucks.

All the best, and many thanks for your response.

oh guy, welcome. Sorry you have to join us, but its a tremendous help being here, that's for sure. Take care! I think all the 'boys' on the board have really helped you out, I have nothing brilliant to say.

Hey Guy,

This is my W.I couldhave filled this in for ya. you are in the right place.

Watch out for Red though. She won't let ya get away with anything.

Husband

I would just like to add that I believe the Great State of Ohio has now taken first place for representation... (nice state, been through it a few times)

Where / in what?

If you are talking about on this board it may be becase in calif it is so easy to just say Fu(k it and not try to fix your marriage. Ohio then is a proud place to live..

Husband