Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back #12

It is a wonderful feeling to know know that you will be OK no matter what. It is as if we went through a ring of fire and came out OK. A cute man took my hand the other day for a brief minute but I did get that weird fluttery feeling in my stomach. I will not go out with this guy but that feeling, that possibilitythat I could even look at another man was kind of an awakening. Donna is right that we did do everything in our power to keep our family together but Dr. Numan said we have a new family NOT a broken family. Any family can be seen as BROKEN even if they are intact. IT is not ideal but it IS A FAMILY. No one can look at our homes and say that is not a family. I can look at my H's life and say that, but not my home.

Morgan, I just want to say thank you again. We are still in this limbo land. I am not sure if divorce land is any better though. My neighbour has been separated from her H and she feels safe in status quo. For some strange reason neither spouse will even file for legal separation. I guess some marriages are harder to dissolve than others. I have a feeling that is the case with us. For some reason we are all still attached for many reasons. Feeling detached may be empowering. Whew. Let's work out, eat well, make jokes, and kiss a boy, I mean a man. New goals. Kiddiing about that last one.

lwb, yeah, I have lonely moments, too, don't get me wrong. but I have more moments when i really and truly am just fine, happy even, when I am alone.

no, not how I wanted to live my life, but I drew the short straw when it came to marriage partners, so that's that.

saffie, I miss being pissed at my h for no real reason. lol. I do. but even if there is a reason, make sure you tell him why. funny that he was so shocked, but good that you told him.

mk, love the image of the cute man. the other day this euro-type, about 10 years older than me, was at the grocery store and gallantly (I do not use that word lightly, btw) pulled out a produce bag and opened it for me when I was heading toward the pears. he was really sweet, actually, cute about it. hey, maybe I'm not such a troll. not my type, not interested, but nice to just have something nice done, isn't it?

thanks for the broken home stuff. that's why I had the pics done, btw....we are a new family I guess. the kids and I make a pretty good team. are we gilmore girls? no. probably more like dan in real life and his girls...hopefully with me being a bit less overprotective.

hey, and i like the idea of kissing a man someday. I like the idea of those butterflies and that first kiss and all the loveliness of it. someday. with someone who deserves my kisses, not someone who threw me away like garbage.

having a back and forth day. mostly fine, mostly reflective, still find my mind wandering to stuff I need to block for a bit (memories and such). even recent stuff like when he was chasing me around the car trying to seduce me and such and saying maybe this would help bring us closer and such. its all kind of running thru my mind a bit. but I need to stop it for now. can go back to that stuff someday, when I am more detached and such. but for now, well, I need to realize this is who he is and what he wants, and enough about him anyway, lets concentrate on me.

its been a busy day here, and obviously will only get busier. the twins and I made a pumpkin pie while S5 was in school (a halloween tradition). costumes are pretty much ready to go, think we're going to head outside now for a bit and run around for a bit. its gorgeous out, and actually warmer outside than in (my house stays really cold when it gets cold...too much open space, too much hard flooring). I'm going to be useful and clean out the shed. normally h's domain. I'm going to pull everything out and make sense of it finally once and for all.

hey all,

spent the afternoon outside...what a stunning day. I released my masculine side and cleaned the shed out...rearranged things so they were in better order, got rid of some stuff that got ruined (we have a bit of a roof issue), used a tarp to prevent any other issues. I'm pretty proud of all I got done, actually. and got the garage in good enough order on top of it that I can pull my car in again. woo-hooo! and, gee, I didn't even break a nail doing any of it.

the kids are biding their time right now, very excited. I have a turkey breast in the oven and will hopefully get a decent meal in them before the sugar overload. lol.

h and I are taking them together. guess I'll just leave a basket of candy on the porch while we go, since neither of the grandmas are coming this year. sad that they aren't, but honestly its probably for the best this year. next year will be different. hopefully will get lots of pics to share at least.

not much else going on. h is coming and hopefully it will be fine between us. I still feel like I did last night, so hopefully it will hold over. of course, I'll want to wipe the smug/happy as a clam look off of him, but I'll try to redirect that energy into something else. doubt we'll be out for more than a dozen or so houses (kids are still so young), so shouldn't be all that long, anyway. I doubt he'll hang around to answer the door, anyway.

hope you all have a great night! will pop on later and try to catch up with threads tonight.

Happy Halloween! I love Halloween. I will try to remember that. We do what we do for our kids. It makes us happy to make them happy.

I remeber a line from the Color Purple. Sug Avery, the OW, was teaching the Ugly Wife about loving the H. She said that women and men can never be in love because Women can only give love and men can only take love, that is why they can never be in love at the same time.

I don't believe that, mk. I know men who are more than capable of giving great love. just look around this board. it gives me hope, actually. I think we both just drew the short straw.

halloween was good. S3 balked at wearing a costume, like I knew he would. by around 4 he was really, really scared. last year he didn't trick or treat at all, it all just freaked him out, I wasn't surprised that he started getting a bit worried about it this year. I finally talked him into trying 3 houses, and he could hold my hand and just stay on the sidewalk with me if he wanted, and i wouldn't make him wear a costume if he really didn't want to. poor baby, he was just shaking with fear, and that is not what this is about, not at the age of 3.

h came over as the other 2 were getting in their costumes. he asked what we had for dinner, and asked if he could have some...told him to help himself. all very civilized. he helped himself to dinner, and then to pie (yeah, wonder if ow bakes for him or if everything is store bought? not that it matters, really, he still chose her, so blech). he didn't think s3 should be allowed to trick or treat w/o a costume. if he was 8, yeah, I would agree, but 3, hey, cut the kid some slack.

then it was time to head out, and it was so much fun! s3 got the hang of it rather quickly and instead of turning back for home after 3 houses, he wanted to keep going. he turned to me at one point, huge grin, and said, "this is fun!!!" I was soooo happy. after about a dozen houses, I went back home to hand out candy here. worked out great, I got to see them at some houses/take some pics, and still was able to limit my time around H. It was fun seeing all the costumes on the kids that came by....I just love halloween.

he brought them back and helped me put them to bed. I tucked them in, then came down to hand out candy while he went up to kiss goodnight. I hopped on the phone while he was up there so I was "busy" when he was ready to leave. he looked like he wanted to talk, I told my sister to hang on and looked inquiringly at him, but he realized I was holding firm on the "I don't want to talk to you except about business/kid stuff" so he said bye and left.

I think part of me wants him to miss me. I do. I'll admit it freely. but mostly its just what I need to do. like OT tells donna, talking/joking with him is like a nip from a bottle for me...makes me want him again, remember who he used to be, and all that I have lost. it just perpetuates the pain at this point. I am not hostile, just distant. like he was a stranger, pretty much. I'm polite, but no more.

anyway, such was our night. have to go look at their loot again before the school run.

hope everyone has a good day.

He does miss you. He wouldn't loiter after the kids were asleep, or things like that. You did so well last night and you managed to enjoy yourself. Very proud of my morgan this morning.

They don't miss "us", they miss the interaction with us. They will miss the friendship and wonder what has changed to affect that portion of their relationship with us. I know, very weird, but they are narrowly focused and don't see the "cause and affect" of their actions. Every interaction with them is affected from our standpoint, but they don't understand that.

My stbx told my Sister she missis her friendship with me and doesn't understand why I'm so indifferent to her. She actually told my Sister.. "I was a stranger to her anymore"... WTF, I'm not the one who's behavior and personality took a complete 180 in a short period of time.

I'm sure our future relationship will take some sort of shape, but it will be based on getting to know each other again. I don't have any expectation of what that relationship will look like. It's really like meeting a stranger. Sure you can sense a foundation for some type of friendship, but you have to get to know the person first to see how involved that friendship will be. At this point, she just feels like an acquaintance to me.

atgo, I think that's it. he misses the interaction and doesn't understand why I can't just put the past behind me and be friends. he also is someone who is well liked and likes to be liked, so the fact that someone out there doesn't particularly like him, well, that grates at him (yes, he did tell me that once).

not too worried for him...he has her to comfort him. she'll help him get over any residual sadness, if there is any.

must be nice.

lwb, can I just say, for some reason I love it when you say my morgan. I think because I really feel so alone right now. its a silly little thing, but it makes me smile every time you write it.

Hey there M.
So happy to hear the S3 got over his initial fright of Halloween and was able to go trick-or-treating. Definitely something to put in the baby book!

Regarding H wanted to hang with you after, I have something to add to that. At one point when my H was still distant, in his own world, he would occassionally come out of his shell and talk a bit. Then he'd crawl back in. I once asked about this and his response was something along the lines of 'I still think of you as a friend, the mother of my kids. Why can't we just hang out and talk?'
He so didn't get that I didn't want to be just the mother of his kids and that just talking when there was this huge issue between us seemed trite. What was the point? Yeah, I know. Friends first. But that wasn't working for me.
I had to step back to protect how I felt. I wasn't too concerned about his feelings at the time. I needed to feel better about me.

You do the same. Whatever works for you and helps you heal and process things on your own time line. Not his.

Something to think about:

Speaking only for myself:
I think I'm a lot better at actually giving and showing love now, than I was 10 years ago.

It's not always about finding "the right guy". It's more about finding a guy who wants to be a better man.