Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

Heim, if you have a home church, that's a good place to start. Many already have ministries outside the church, either giving to the poor, or whatever. That is great that you want to start giving your time to those in need.


Puddle, I agree that you are in a good position right now, for the most part, taking care of yourself, enjoying life etc. This IS usually when the WAS starts to take notice and possibly getting confused or reconsidering. I just want you to stay open to possibility. I would hate for you to be so focused on yourself and so focused on how bad the M really was that you decide it's too much work to work it out (just like the WAS did however long ago). It sounds like your not THAT far there yet, it was just your comment of "I'm hoping he doesn't change his mind". I think just looking forward to a great man that you will find (which could possibly end up being your H) is okay.

Let us know how the volunteer thing goes, and I'm glad you got some good info from the judge.

Hi Puddle,

This post hit very close to home for me. Even though it has only been a month, I am starting to feel this exact way. Maybe because we are not burning energy (bad, negative energy)on it like we were before it seems as if we've lost the will to fight.

And I feel like there is a point where we get detached and it feels very strange. Perhaps also something we have never felt before. Maybe you're not really letting it all go, but getting to a point where you realize you cannot control this and make it instantly better. Probably also it feels very strange to not be sharing your every feeling with someone who you used to do that with. And if you know me...that was ALL the time, lol.

I think the judge's cautions are wise only to the point of, you never really know what is going to cause someone to snap and make them do things they might not have done before. For example, I just found out my younger brother is going to jail for a long time because he has been molesting his own 13 year old daughter!!!!! (yes another major life issue I have) You never would have ever guessed that about him...he's sweet, loving beautiful gentle soul, but something went terribly wrong inside his head. I guess my point is, you just never really know (hence the mindreader thing we are all guilty of).

I have been cautioned about what my husband may do to, especially since I make more $$$ than he, but he swears he wants to make this all as amicable as possible. But you can only believe half of what you hear...

Oh and Heim, I believe there is a website, called of all things, volunteers.org.:)

Puddle,



I agree that is does feel good. It's like getting an added layer of hide one you -- you're tougher now. However, for me there is still a lingering disappointment in that we didn't try everything and whether the storm together and come out with a stronger, healthier R. It's unfortunate.



Now that is interesting to me. No sense in trying if you don't want him to come back. Do you really feel that way? At this point I wish I did!



Have you reflected on what you contributed to the M that caused H to leave in this first place (and do you feel they were justified reasons for H to leave?). If so, have you done 180s on these "more of the same" behaviors, and have you kept them consistent? Also, have you worked on being more physically attractive (new clothes, working out, hair style change, etc)? Have you read the 5 LL and have you determined what his primary LL is and have you attempted to meet it in any subtle ways that don't suggest pursuing? I guess none of this really matters if you don't want him to come back, but since you brought it up I thought I'd address it.



AMEN!

GD

Puddle and Heim --

(Sounds like some bizarre law firm or something... )

Since heim asked the question about volunteering over here, thought I would go ahead and mini-hijack... ST is right about church being a good spot. However, the ole' internets ( ) can provide good info, too. I would suggest just googling a field of interest for you and checking it out in your area....being just outside the Beltway there ought to be just about anything you could be interested in.

OF course, there's also political campaigns getting fired up right about now. Help, especially at the grass-roots level for smaller campaigns, can really make a difference for a candidate you believe in. I'm starting to get involved a little in a very uphill campaign to unseat our 'global warming is a myth' senator (I seem to recall you commenting on this topic earlier!!)

And Puddle, I hope you didn't read any sanctimony in my earlier comments to you, 'cause I question my own feelings and choices weekly, if not daily... I can't remember whether you and H have talked about what your kid-sharing may look like once he moves out; will that be complicated by your homeschooling, or does it actually simplify things by them being with you most of the time?

Happy haunting!!

L2

L2,

The problem with the Internet is just that, it's a big ol' Internet.

I've been thinking of looking into non-denominational churches in the area. Probably will do when I get back from Louisiana. Big duh for me. Of course lots of opps through there.

How about: Puddle and Heim, L2

Puddle, FWIW, I think you've hit detachment and your H's actions are allowing you to bury, like someone mentioned above, a lot of the good in your M. That's a good thing. Just if he does a 360, in a reasonable amount of time, and realizes what a doofus he's being, I hope if you're well and truly moved on, it's because you've well and truly moved on and not just "shut down."

BD

Now, wouldn't that just mean his head was spinning??? Kind of like Ragan in the Exorcist??

L2

Thanks, everyone! I'll get back to your posts in a bit.

I'm just sitting here thinking I have a lot of thinking to do. What changes have I made? How have I shown H my big 180s (emotional vulnerability and physical intimacy---tough one)? Have I even really made them?

Time for some serious self-evaluation.

H just emailed that he's signing a lease on a house Saturday.

Take care.

Hey everyone,

This is just so ridiculous. We just back from t-o-t-ing with the kids. I was cheery, gave the kids most of the attention, pointed out funny kid things to H, etc. He walked along like a robot (to me---he was fine with the kids), would grin a bit at the funny stuff, but didn't offer a word first at all. The two of us both taking pictures with our respective cameras---now that says something.

Now, this is all normal stuff, I guess, but as I'm sitting here thinking about all the questions I have re whether I'm giving it my all, etc, I think, who needs this? The holidays are going to be excruciating, I'm afraid.

Then I get home to a message from the guy saying, "Have fun with [kids' names] tonight," and I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. A simple gesture, certainly, but just some human kindness.

My duck's back needs some waterproofing.

Take care.

sorry for the alienation feeling tonight. Just remember don't expect anything from him. You definitely CAN get kindness and encouragement from other people right now. Your H is "sick", so we won't be expecting it from him.

Did the kids have a good time? What did they dress as?

Hey ST, Heim, L2, pm, and GD!

The kids had a *great* time, went as Darth Vader and Batman. We have some crazy neighbors who turn their front yard into a pirate ship, don these opera-worthy costumes, have a 12-foot octopus hanging over the gate, and fire candy at the kids from a cannon while haranguing them with pirate lingo. We always go there last---it's amazing.

Hey Heim,

Hope you had a fantastic time with the girls and aren't lying there in a sugar coma.



I think I know what you're saying, but what I'm wondering is whether my apparent hope that H does not change his mind is affecting him, pushing him away. I think it's a little different.

ST:



I'm trying very hard to keep the focus on me, and I don't think I'm focusing on how bad the M was. In retrospect, there are many things I would've liked to change myself and for H to have done differently. But none of those were so awful that I would've ended the M over them. The question about whether it would just be too much work is one I haven't spent a lot of energy pondering, but at first consideration it does feel totally overwhelming.



I think that's a combination of the overwhelming thing and the fact that H is someone I don't like very much right now---a powerful cocktail.



I think I'm going to focus on looking forward to a great new life by myself, maybe with an attractive cabana boy on the periphery.

Hey pm, thanks for stopping by! Man, I'm sorry to hear about your little brother! That's horrendous.



Wherever I am right now does feel a bit strange, and definitely nothing I remember feeling before.

Hey GD!



That's my biggest disappointment in H, I just wish I could be sure that *I'm* willing to give it everything---or that at least I was for a while---and all the DBing in the world won't tell me that for sure. He'd have to throw the ball back in my court, and he hasn't. In a sense I get the easy way out, know what I mean? I get to say to myself, "Hey, I was willing, but H wouldn't give it a go..." Weathering the storm is an experience I'd like to have in my hip pocket for the next R, but I'll have to learn that one next time around, I think.



Right now I feel that way, though I recognize that that could change. And again, not sure how not trying would look any different than trying. I think I'm wondering whether not wanting him affects what I'm doing/projecting, etc, that then reinforces the not wanting.

Can I *choose* to continue to want him?



Thanks, GD, this is all good stuff. Getting back to the basics is probably where I should be right now.

I'm going to go back (for myself) to reexamine my contributions. I don't think H was justified in leaving, but I completely understand how he reached that conclusion.



My big issues, as I see them, revolve around emotional vulnerability (I've shown H more of this here and there, especially recently, and will continue to do so) and sexual intimacy (haven't had a chance regarding that one; working on it for the next R---difficult without a partner!).



GD, you have no idea how good I look. But seriously, yes to all the above, and I'm feeling pretty attractive these days.



I'm pretty sure he's a physical affection guy; see how we got here? And no, I haven't figured out how to fill that cup without actually touching him. Any suggestions?

Hey L2, nice to see you back!



I didn't, but I'm going to go back right now and read it more carefully!



We've discussed it a bit re: S but not legal D. Right now we're talking about H coming here to spend time with the kids on the weeknights I usually am out and taking them one weekend day, either here or going out somewhere. We've never talked about them spending the night with him, though he may want to. That's all yet to be determined.



Funny, H just came in to have a big talk about all this exact stuff. I'm too tired to even think about it right now, but it looks like the kids will be with me all week (physically, though I'll go out a couple of evenings while H stays here) and maybe with him a weekend day or even a weekend. Homeschooling means that there's no school to take them to, so weekday nights with H don't make a lot of sense. Oh, who knows.



Heim, this is exactly it---exactly my concern. I want to be sure I've gone through, not around, all the stuff I need to figure out for me.

Of course, whether or not I'm "shut down" in regards to just him or everyone is another question...and one I'm too tired to contemplate.

You know, H was curled up at the bottom of the bed just now as we were talking, and I was thinking about reading posts here that say things like, And I just wanted to reach out and touch her! Tell him I love him! Hold her! etc etc, and I thought, nope.

G'night all. Take care.