Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Just found out

oh_guy, you posted on the wrong thread. Around here, it's called a highjack. Not a big deal, but it can sometimes derail a "discussion" while at the same time not give folks a chance to give you a proper answer.

Mark
How do I make her wonder if this is the right decision? Just agree with everything she says and does?

so what if i tell her this???

"I’m still working on getting to the place where you are right now. I’m going to need some time to digest all of this. I’ve though it over. You know this isn’t what I want, but I want you to be happy even if it is without me, so I’ll sign the papers. I’m sorry that things came to this and I wish it could have been different. I am not going to say that I will always love you because I don’t know if I will after what has happened. I would still love to be your friend though, someone you can call if you need anything. Right now I love you and I know that I must set my love free. There is a saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back then it was meant to be."

Stop at the word "happened." The rest is pursuing.

There are two schools of thought. One says slow the divorce process down and give her a chance to see the 180s and GALs. The other says, don't slow it down, because slowing it down is pursuing, and she will never see that you have moved on if you keep throwing up roadblocks. Plus, what I said about fear above.

I say do both (which is what I did). If you truly are "not there yet," tell her. Acknowledge that she is ready, but you need time to get through this. Then detach. And GAL. And see what happens.

mwel - i don't recall, have you tried speaking with a DB coach? I think it might be a great idea to help you get on the right track here. My honest opinion is that at this point, you can't tell her anything. She won't hear it. Your words, I'm afraid, are meaningless.

Your actions are what have the power here.

It seems that you have put all of your fulfillment "eggs" into a single basket here and, although it happens to a lot of us, you need to recognize that YOUR happiness cannot depend solely on another person or their feelings for you. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you'll be able to do some real work for yourself and for your marriage.

There are no guarantees with DB'ing except for the negatives - the things that will not work have been very well documented.

mcc is wise.

Heed his words.

Okay so I deleted the rest after happened. I am not going to show her that I am afraid, I'm going to be strong. I know that after I say this she is going to file. You said above to slow the divorce process down, how? PLus, with her always gone and never see's me how can she see me do 180's and GAL? If she still goes to Denver I know that she will see one of my 180's, I have been working out and I am starting to get ripped abs. I had them when we first meet and she loved them. I am not there but if I tell what I have above she will think I am and will want me to sign the papers ASAP. I am starting to detach and GAL but since I am really not ready or even close to a place where I can sign the papers then what should I do? If I tell her what I have above she will think I am ready.

mcc
No I have not spoke with a coach. I have been going to counseling but that is really working. Cost for the coach is about $300 for 3 sessions, right now with her not helping me with the finances I can not afford that. I wanted to talk to one since I first found this site.

Once I tell her what I going to say then I will no longer have a marriage. Only memories..

I am confused. I have been reading some eBooks and one said to do this" write her a letter and mail it to her, start with Hello, how are you doing? Then begin with "What would it take to get us back together"? It said that it is important for 2 reasons. First, I need this information so that I can begin to work on making those changes. Second, it establishes that I want the relationship to continue. This helps my W realize that the relationship is important to me and something that I value. It then says that often the spouse needs to hear that I treasure the relationship. Then later is states, Opt to change yourself to become the person you should be. Your spouse is clearly giving you the signal that things must change. This information was found under 2 stages. Stage 6: Your spouse has left, No legal proceedings, No communication and stage 8: Your spouse has left and has started legal proceedings, No communication.

This is telling me to do everything that you guys say not to do..

MWEL,

There is no black and white answer to your question. Everyone here has an input and you need to sift through them and find what works for you.
Sometimes it's as easy as throwing your spouse out on the street to make them realize what they have lost. Other times you need to give them space in your home to "show" them what they may lose.
Your situation is not your Wife’s fault. She did not do this on her own. You both had a part in it.
My W had an affair. Yes the affair was wrong but something drove her to this point.
I had to find out my short comings before I could go on otherwise if we got back tog eater we would be headed right back to the same place.

So yes it is working on you and letting your Wife figure out her issues also.
Hopefully you both can meet someday in the middle.

To rap this up...

There is not right or wrong way in Dbing. What works, WORKS you just need to find out what works for you

Husband

I'm sorry you are going through this.

There are a bunch of different approaches out there. As husband posted, you have to find which one works for you.

That letter mentioned above is pursuing. THe DB approach is do something different than what didn't work before.

I believe that many of us here already did what this letter is designed to do, telling her that we don't want this, we want to stay married, that we'll do anything. For most of us this didn't stop the trainwreck, so doing anything like that again will also not work.

If your previous approach was completely ignoring things and not telling her you want to stay together, then I guess that might be the "different" approach that might work.

I can only say that my STBXW has refused to consider any thoughts of reconciliation vehemently. If I wrote her that letter, it would only drive her further away because she would see it as weakness and pursuing.

The GAL is the "actions speak louder" than words part of the DB approach. Sometimes it works, they like what they see and come back, but most importantly it will prepare you for the worst. It is the only thing that can get you to the place you need to be if she doesn't come back. It is the best therapy you can get.

Be strong.