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(((Penny)))

Penny,
Your H is a very sad and mixed up man. I don't know much about MLC but it definitely seems that is what he is experiencing.

It sounds like the OW is a real winner. Let them move in together, let him see how green the grass is. I think he will find out soon that it is very brown and full of weeds. It's amazing that he can't see OW's faults. Come on, what kind of mother has 4 kids that do not live with her? The way our court systems are today, judges hardly ever grant custody to the father unless the mother is very very unfit.

I'm so sorry Penny, but right now it's seems to you that you are the loser, but believe me, you are the only one who thinks that. Your H is definitely the loser.

((((((((Penny)))))))))

How are you now?

Thank you guys for the (((HUGS))))you don't now how much I needed them. I am doing OK. He was here at my house at 7:00am this morning to go over the books. He fell asleep in the chair for awhile. I am trying to get sll yhr books caught up. He wanted me to come in and talk to him about what is going on. It is amazing how you let things get so complicated during your marriage. He has been unhappy for a long time. He says he loves me but can't live with me that we are not good for each other. Tha we don't motivate each other and bring out all the motivation that we need. He is 52 and thinks he hasn't accomplished enough in business. I told him that we had both grown up and saw what we needed to fix but he says it is just over. He said she might not be the answer because it is about him succeeding and she might not fit the picture but she isn't the cause of our problems. I said maybe not but she was the icing on the cake. I am kinda numb and thinking we have drugged this on for to long. Maybe it would be good for him to see what all he relies on me for. I guess time will tell. He left to go to a ball game one of her kids. All of a sudden we are mother of the year and decided to see her kids sports. Her kids at one time lived with her but all went back to their dad and his wife. She really puts on the act. Oh well...I finally realized that is his problem. He called me after he left and said that I am the kindest sweetest most caring person ever and she isn't any where at all as good as person as me. Hard to figure isn't it. Only one way to go and it is to take care of me and the boys. I am glad my boys are old enough to decide what they want to do. They need to stay in contact with their dad but not her.

It was such a beautiful day that I went for a 4 hr drive and stopped and visisted an old friend for an hour or so. It was very nice. I am supposed togo to my sister in laws little bar and dress up but I need to get our books all done so we can look things over.

I wish you guys were closer because the hugs were over whelming and much appreciated . Husband you are right I shouldn't think of it as a failure. I tried and I am a good mother and I have 2 really good boys that are all you can wish for. We had good years to but it is amazing how much the bad comes up instead of the good.

I guess back to tht grind. Thank you so much....Have a good nite.

Mattie,

How are you doing? I haven't saw where you have posted much. Are you making it ok?

{{{Penny}}} - I'm about where you are in the D process, so I understand what you're feeling. Also, we both have spouses in MLC. Re your H, seems that every WAS in an A says something to the effect that, "[OP] didn't break up our marriage, you and I did." Sorry, but that's utter bulls**t! If they didn't have the euphoria from the OP, they wouldn't have the motivation to go for the big D. You need to separate from him, give yourself space, and focus on GALing. Only then will time be on your side. It ain't over til it's over (and even then it's not over). In the end, he'll find that he won't be able to throw away 28 years that easy.

In addition, Yoyo is right about the OW. Let him get a full dose of her. He'll find out.

Stay strong, work on yourself, and give it time!

LL

Penny,
What your husband said sounds so much like mine! I knew the ow wasn't the cause of the failure of our marriage, but I always told H that there was no way we could fix things while she was in the picture. Interesting that all my anger has been directed at the ow instead of at my H. THe one counseling session I went to made me realize that. Guess that is easier than being mad at the person we have loved for so long!

If I could recommend one thing based on my experience these last 6 months--hire a lawyer! Then USE the lawyer!!! As you recall I had a lawyer, but H and I were doing negotiating on our own (to save money). H continues to try to make me feel guilty (and he does that very well!). His latest was "It's immoral of you to ask for any of my retirement account." I was very firm and said that our lawyers would work that out. I haven't cried in front of H for the last month so I am making progress. Even if you never go through with the D, make sure you don't get bullied!

My heart goes out to you! Remember that we both deserve someone that will cherish us! We did the best we knew how as wife, mother, and friend! My sister has been divorced for 15 years and has just met a wonderful man. It wasn't an easy journey, but it gives me hope for a future of happiness.

(((PENNY)))

Matilda

I am exactly the same and have remained this way. For me, I guess, if I had directed more of my anger at my H I may have ended up hating him and then been unable to reconcile,. That said, OW in my case, was a mean coniving b!tch. She left her H AND children to try to get my H to leave me - what mother can do that!!! I can understand if the mother is being abused that she may need to make a hast exit but this OW was the main breadwinner in her house and totally in command there!!!

Saffie

Hi guys,

Mattie you are so right. It still amazes me that your m and mine and so many others can sound so much a like. My H was from a family of 9 (8boys and 1girl) They are very strong and have always been successful in what they do. But they are competitive and when they were growing up there wasn't much money and not a lot of love in their family. I think as a one of the middle ones that has a lot to do with it. He has turned into his dad and it sounds like his Grandfather. They both ended up with no friends and just not happy people. He always tries to make you better. YOu need to loose weight, you need to get on top of things more. I think now knowing what I do I think he would have wanted a divorce along time ago but couldn't face not having the boys and I would not let anyone else be around my kids. I almost wish we would have now. We had a friend one time I would have married in a heart beat but as all good married people I kept all my thoughts to myself. I just always thought that I was married for life. I knew my h was the one I wanted. That friends wife left him for a scum bag guy and then dropped him but he has found a lady now that makes him happy and we are still very good friends. H is not best friends with him because he has given up all our friends because they don't serve a purpose in his life. That friend has been like a brother to me which as had helped tremdously. ONe thing I do have is a great bunch of friends and some of them are actually my H family. Mattie (((HUGS) to you. YOur H does not know what he is loosing

I am keeping up with H's family, too, although things have changed since H's ow is BIL's friend. SIL still keeps in touch, but she has gotten "colder" this past month. I think they do things as couples with H and ow now so it's probably more uncomfortable being around me. (at the beginning they were not condoning that relationship and refused to do anything with H if he was with ow for respect for me). Guess they are accepting it now!

I just returned home froom taking my MIL out for dinner. H would NEVER think of doing that! MIL is also expecting ME to cook Thanksgiving dinner for her and out of town relatives. Tonight she was concerned whether H would be there. She said it just wouldn't feel right if he wasn't there. CRAZY!!! (I will invite him, of course, but MIL isn't that a wierd thing to say to me?)

Penny, thanks for letting me vent here. Guess I should start another thread instead of hijacking yours!
Matilda

I think that will happen in my life too. There will be some of his brothers and sisters that won't like it but will put up with it and others might not. The OW brothers and her mom don't like it and disagree with it but are putting up with it. I have one SIL ( who is H sister) we have been really close. I don't think she will ever allow her in her House. My H told me yesterday that he would never marry her and would probably never get married again. He said he wasn't made out to be married and that if he couldn't live with me he couldn't live with anyone. He came and went over the books again yesterday all day. He was here Saturday to for a while. We had some serious conversations we cried and talked and remained civil. Its just a tough old road and who would have ever thought this would happen. We were the last ones that anyone thought would get a divorce. You just never know. He told me that he couldn't work through all the stuff and just needed a clean start. That I needed to take the settlement and become a business person and turn it into more. Thats his big deal now is moving a head and making more money and becoming stronger business wise and that I need to step up to the plate more. Not that I am running our business and working too. Its amazing that they don't see the whole picture and just what they want. Maybe I don't either. My MIL told me that I had held a grudge for him on his first A and didn't allow us to get better. Who knows!!! My FIL has cheated on her all their married life and she stayed and turned in to a cold woman. She is not a Happy person either. It must run in their family.

You just stay and vent here all you want....It is nice to vent to you. Hope you have a good day.